Row Boat Cop

RowBoatCop

Row row row my boat
Gently down the stream
Verily verily verily
Life is not what I've dreamed

Row row row my boat
I seemed to have another life
Seemingly seemingly seemingly
I had a kid and a wife

Row row row my boat
I also seemed to have a badassed gun
Boomingly boomingly boomingly
It shot up bad guys nicely on the run

Row row row my boat
My bottom's welded to the deck
Chillingly chillingly chillingly
My bionic dick is always cold and wet

Row row row my boat
Here's the unpleasant thing
Rustily rustily rustily
The salt water's getting into my seams

Row...Row...Row my boat
Oh I'm stiffening mightily
Miserably miserably miserably
I'm left stuck with no WD40

Sit sit sit in my boat
All sunbeat and weather toiled
Bobbingly bobbingly bobbingly
I've become an expensive ocean buoy

- by TC Lai, 24th Dec 2018

A poem written in response to that funny image posted to Science Fiction Singapore FB group. 

Friend, Why So Stubborn?

[Sung to The Sound of Silence]

Hello Ho Ching my old friend
I see you're in the limelight once again
Wearing those same old blouse and pants
Dignitaries must wonder about your fashion sense
And it's a vision that's been badly seared in my brain
It still remains
Why, my dear girl, are you so stubborn?

In fashion halls you walk alone
Critics quietly throw a sartorial stone
Cause you are the PM's wife
They cannot criticise with this fake news vibe
To say how they feel and why you must see the light
With the fashion elite
But my friend, you are stubborn

Probably in the naked light you saw
One ah soh thick at waist and more
So a blouse and pants is best option
No need slim figure for a svelte cheongsam
But you know you at times look like an auntie on a sunday stroll
They look better, I am told
So please, don't be so stubborn

I know it's not tattered nor knitted poor
With slippers made by a MINDS affiliated girl
But you must know we've seen it all before
At dinners ONE, TWO, THREE and FOUR
So can you please mix it up so we need not heave nor throw up
At your sartorial sense
When your salary, can buy you a few Mercedes Benzes

You know it is quite insane
To be out always in same garment plan
What if a waitress wears the same exact garb
You gotta run and hide under a tarp
To avoid the shame you need to think more than just a little bit
Not dress like a robotic twit
So, my friend, why are you so stubborn?

Do you see me wear the same old clothes
At work, conferences or meeting my blokes
There's a time for every choice
A suitable design par for any course
So don't tell me Singapore fashion is such an utter bore
We have MOMA fashions galore
But my friend, you are stubborn

- by TC Lai

Note: Apparently the clutch bag she's holding in the pix is made by an autistic child from a Pathlight school. It is a great thing to do, but why not make it a gift to the other First Ladies?

I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I bought a secondhand diary
Because I was just too fuck lazy
To pen down thoughts for the day

What the rain might mean
Running down the window pane
Or wilted leaves dancing in the wind

I bought a secondhand diary
Thinking to be somebody else
Who had lived a life quite extraordinary

A mountaineer who scaled The Seven Peaks
Or a diver who lunged the darkest deeps
Or a prostitute who gave out Veteran Day freebies

Oh, what stories she might tell
Of men who braved bullets in a Man-made hell
Of men who cum and weep and open-eye sleep

I bought a secondhand diary
Wondering who had held the pen
Was it a man or woman or gender-bend?

Wooing a pretty wife or handsome man
Deciding if, indeed, you were born to bend
Forever keeping closet secrets from family & friends

I bought a secondhand diary
It came with a pretty bookmark
Did that person's life ended or upended hence?

To that page I turned
And was greeted by a script
So elegant and poised, and dignity-filled

"I too had bought a secondhand diary
And compared it to my new blank one
I had not a wit, how to write one sweet

"Haphazard was the old, and bunchy
Stuffed with notes and pictures aplenty
Scribbled over lines and margins... as if life on-demand

"It was a fascinating collage
For which my life can never be
Getting messy, crazy and rules-bound free?

"I soon wrote into my new expectant diary
And decided to live my life... A little free"

I did buy that secondhand diary
And bought a new one too
Hoping someday I might give someone pause

That living the lie of a life
Might be pretty quick and easy
Impresses no one but the reader he

But I look at my new diary
With its blank pages beckoning me
Do I still have a life to script and explore?

Though my hair is white
And my nails thick and hard
And veins a little too blue and angry

I need, I need, to forge ahead
To leave this world a thing
Even if it is a half-written diary!

For a reader to continue the journey
Especially one who's thinking...

Of buying a secondhand diary

- TC Lai

Crying Sand - 哭砂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4YkHQrPt2I

Crying Sand
- Translated by TC Lai

You are my most miserable lan-sai
Make me both happy and scared of tomolo
You said you must be free like stardust
Sometimes get naughty and make me boo-hoo

Rather see me cry-cry
Than boss my "bye-bye"
Really you are more like bak sai
Than stardust in my eyes

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What's so freaking great about the ocean
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really really, you must give it a try!"

Aledy hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

Chorus:
Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my teary eyes
Heng ah, I'm Ubering on this highway so I won't die!

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my achy heart
At least can clean out those clotty, fatty plaques

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my foggy mind
Rubbing like sandpaper, an Alzheimer-ridding enzyme

Wind blow come the sand
Oh, how it makes me cry
See, it's been hinted this relationship will never ever fly

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What so freaking great about the ocean?
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really, really you must give it a try!"

Already hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

<Repeat chorus>

We Are Singapore 2018

We Are Singapore (2018 version of the 1987 one)

(or Ngoh Dei Ng Sor  (Cantonese)// We Not Dumb/Stupid)

There was a time when people said
that Singaporeans are smart, and we believed it

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

Singapore our homeland, this is where we belong
All of us united, to deny those Ah Longs
Who have used this bikeshare, so they could then launder
Millions of unmarked dollars, back to gangs in Hong Kong

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

Chorus:
This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

(Read)
We the citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves to not be stupid people
Regardless of fitness or entrepreneurship
To not perpetuate the same indignity
Based on consideration and common sense
So as to achieve orderliness,
natural beauty and no eyesore to our nation

(Repeat chorus)

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I bought a secondhand orphanage
You know, with secondhand orphans
The ones that will wring you with pity
Coz they were leftover butt uglies

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now thinking what I should do
Should I start a clothing factory
Or one that makes branded sporting shoes

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it belonged to an Asian large family
But when sister no look like brother
I knew I was suckered into something funny

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it was property fantastic
A two-storey building and garden of trees
Fruiting oranges that turned out to be plastic

I bought a secondhand orphanage
The pics of which sure looked nice
It was probably taken well before
The war took the kids parents' lives

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where things are not what they seem
The bedrooms have no beds
And the kitchen has no sink

I bought a secondhand orphanage
With no secondhand matron
She had run off with the caretaker
With promise of a Cebu Island tan

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Full of faces that have never cried
Happily they all crowd round me
Happily they too pick my pockets dry

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now missing a wallet and passport
But damn am I not having fun
Chasing kids turning crime into sport

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where we now sit and pant
Butt ugly faces with sweat and dirt
Knowing that I am their only saint

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Plainly now given a second chance
To turn these butt ugly faces
With brains that will someday charm

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That I turned into a firsthand school
Teaching hacking skills to seven year olds
By ten they turn health offical faces blue

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That carries out first-rate hacking jobs
No one is quite safe from us
Behind Anonymous is how we rob

I bought a secondhand orphanage
In a country that was once pretty rural
But the kids fancied themselves Robin Hood
Robbing the rich to give to the poor

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That is now considered Shangri-La
It sits next to a cloud
A center of cloud that is full of data

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That now trades in secondhand info
Data culled by seondhand orphans
Now coldcalling Prime Minister So-&-So

Buy back your data or the info will be sold

I bought a secondhand orphanage, yo

- by TC Lai

One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault - 一个人的寂寞两个人的错

Click for Youtube video:

Here's the somewhat literal translation of this once popular song. ;-)

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault

说好了一起走
风雨相伴不回头
爱你我愿意去等候
那怕再过几年秋

Say aledy we together go
Wind rain come we will not siam
Think of your big dick so I wait
Wait until CB drop you're never at gate

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love I alone fight
Discarding caution suspecting scam in sight
Thot love will last like day long earth old
One GE gone and you still no show

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Love another and me you conveniently forgot?
Is it backside itchy or lanjiao jio?
Alas, why I scratch and get hooked!

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
分手虽然是我先来说
又耐何躲的过心痛的折磨
这么多年生活改变却依然难过

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Break-up I say first but you never nod
Now I  kaobeh kaobu each night to cucumber
Tried a volleyball but better with vegetable

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love alone I fight
Macham like Speaker's Corner shouting my rights
Thot love last long long like ABBA song
What All Is Said And Done, you're gone

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

Someone litter whole block fault
Step outside kenna hit by chopping block
Kaneenabeh see-liao boh nang zai
Close door cry-cry over kopi-O sui dai

<Bonus lyrics>

Stupid me sompah(x2) love forever
Like govt say give back CPF if ever
Got meh? Hiaz, day long earth old
All I get is the emptiness of one big hole

One-person loneliness Internet fault
I hope Interpol find and have you caught
Put back the thousands I TT-ed over
For a dumb locket with a four-leaf clover

One-person loneliness Alzheimers fault
Potting plants, walking dogs
Or did I just walk the plant, potted the dog?
Do me a favour give me an euthansia shot

*Suck (softly)

I mean, Fuck! (surely)

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Kaneenabeh don't let me catch that bloody sod... (fade)

====

Your Perfume is Poison - 香水有毒

Youtube video

Your Perfume is Poison

- 香水有毒

- sung by Hu Yang-Lin
- translated *parody lyrics by TC Lai


Your perfume is poison
Make my tits hard for no reason
Make me cream way down south
And desirous of something in my mouth

Your perfume is poison
Chasing bedbugs onto my pillow
I dream of you as I stupidly scratch
Waking up later to a big bald patch

Your perfume is poison
Lingering over where you've been
And I know you have sinned
Judging by tissues you leave by the sink

Your perfume is poison
Making our neighour dog bark
Getting her all bothered and in heat
And it's not just the four-legged bitch

Your perfume is poison
It has oh--so tainted my nose
I can't even smell my own fart
Can only tell when folks edge apart

Your perfume is poison
No need to get me at "hello"
You got me at first whiff (and sniff)
And now I'm like mourner attached to grief

Your perfume is poison
How am I supposed to let go?
Like totally kenna led by the nose
A morning zombie to coffee and toast

Your perfume is poison
Is there no antidote?
Am I forever tagged your slave
Like that simi Anatehsai gohchap shades

Your perfume is poison
Don't think I will know any better
Take me, take me please
And put me out of my writhing misery

Your perfume is poison
Now my brother wants to know
"Sis, never see you like this before,"
"Can he buy me some from whatever store?"

Your perfume is poison
Is what I tell my brother
It will make even grandmas stalk you
And bak-chew tak star with superglue

Your perfume is poison
The only way to get out is to leave
Buy a one-way ticket to Timbuktu
Find work in some smelly safari zoo

Your perfume is poison
Working thru quantum entanglement
Crossing space-time and orbital ground
You feeling very up, I feeling very down

Your perfume is poison
The only hope is that you drown
In a vat full of wet concrete
And put away like Fukushima radioactive shit

Your perfume is poison
And I'm creaming once again.... (fade)

=======

Tsai Chin - A Lover's Tears (parody) - 情人的眼淚

The song:

Youtube video

Here's my lyric parody of Tsai Chin's Lover's Tears. Enjoy!

A Lover's Tears (Ironic)
- 情人的眼淚 
- sung by Tsai Chin

- translated by TC Lai

My lover boy he took my eye
He took my eye
My lover boy he took my eye
He made me cry
And now I cry without my eye
Without my eye I cannot cry
My lover boy he took my eye
So glass eye now I must buy

My lover boy he took my sigh
He took my sigh
He took it whilst he was
Rubbing my thigh
I burp when I should sigh
My lover boy he took my sigh
Without a sigh
Heck, where's my sex life?

Oh, how cruel is he
Oh, how patient must I be
Should I lop off a ear
To be his dear?

Oh crap is this love
Is this love
Like Juliet poison Romeo
Or Ms Piggy hitting Kermit
Or Christian whipping
Anastasia "ka-chern-jio"

My lover boy he took my dye
He took my dye
The dye I use on my hair
So younger men would care
And so now I without an eye
And not so much a sigh
And without my dye
Young men would say bye bye

And me without a sigh
Young men do not want to try

And without a physical eye
I'm always buzzed by a fly

Buzzed by a fly....(fade)

- by TC Lai, 30th April 2018

The One Pan Wonder (Revisited)

One Pan To Rule Them All

- TC Lai retouched 2 May 2018
(original date of composition must be some years back!)

In the Land of Odour, 
where a mighty flatulence had soured 
Out came orcs and goblins from their lair
Into a better smelling place called the Shy-air

There lived the One Pan Bearer 
who now looked a lot sicker
He had consumed a can of doubtful beans 
His face a terrible sheen of pigeon-shit green

Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me, Dandruff the Dork!
Or Dork "the Sort" who is wise and all
A wizard who still fiddled under his overalls

"Say, I have here a library book
Tells of your One Pan Wonder and a Martha cook 
says it can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella, Cuisinart

"Ooh, Old Cui panned up something not quite swell
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even The Nine Wraiths gave up on the scent
I must admit I farted out quite the stench
But, oh well, let's go find that larder room
Whence once they forged the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway

"If we do not act LIKE NOW
Souron "the Foul Mouth chef" will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Send up oven flames from that biggen' hill

"And heat up this One Pan Wonder
A non-stick, ceramic-coated killer

"And sift and flap and he'll be a "ya-ya" king
All of us will become his spellbound underlings
And be served makan from his Kitchen's Hell
Until stomachs are upset, minds become swill

"And our desire for fab food bid bye-bye
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

"So quick, come with me on this journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods to Michelin Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called A'Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knife and removing feet corn

"See, he's walked a thousand miles hungrily
Touting Makansutra's new spiritual journey
So he could return to his Condo Land a wise king
Able to instruct his Pinoy maid exotic foodie things

"But not until tested he is with that evil rounded wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under its spell
That owning that One Pan will surely make food sell

"Did not the old songs sing?
That sumptuous meals take practice to wring
Every bit of taste and flavour
To take one's palate to a place of splendour!

"So Prodo, hurry up and pack
We from here must leave like thunder crack
And Pantwise Greedy we will bring
For he who is now outside the window listening

"Pantwise you fool! 
Words of the One Pan Wonder is not cool
Say you deny all that's been heard
That, that...old-style cooking is worth singeing a beard

"A roaring fire, an iron skillet
Is all a chef needs to muster up
What your grandmother fed your mother
And your mother is feeding you and your brother!

"Yes, yes, Dandruff the Dork
I swear I swear I'd never heard your crock
About that verily Ein-Pan-Wunder 
That seems to make meals so much easier

"I swear I'll stick to Prodo
Like an old iron skillet to sizzling bacon
And never leave his side
Just like Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain

"Hey, hey Pantwise
Keep him in your pants if you must
As long as he is far far away
From Souron's Doom and Lust

And so with that and a thunder clap
Dandruff, Prodo and Pantwise left 
And of course they did bring along
Merrycock and Peepen so we could all...

Some day...

Turn their adventure into a One Pan Wonder song 

The end
(A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....Thanks to Matt Tan of SBM for reminding of this silly ditty done on a whim. ;-))