Tuesday, 26 May 2015

My Name Long. Ba-Long-Long



The old dog walks He is not at all shy His balonglong swinging Like churchbells in the sky My ah gong is skinny old Like most aged gents I know And his khaki shorts like umbrella His balonglong macham wayang show Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong My encik in camp will always shout When he see us very free "You guys balonglong never salute Drop and give me twenty!" When I was a child I like to hang out at the mamak shop For that yellow fruit in a preserve jar That "Eat too much your teeth will rot!" Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong Many fanciful names you have From 'balonglong' to 'kedondong' You are indeed an international agent Better than "My name is Bond. James Bond." Have songs been made of you A play, movie or two? Have girls held you tenderly And be reminded of a sweetheart too? Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong So next time you see a friend" So free bo dai chi jor" Ask him why he so balonglong And invite him out for kopi-O The end - by TC Lai, 26th May 2015 Note: Balonglong is slang for cocky (same as yaya papaya), hanging loose and easy. Other spelling: Buah Longlong.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Five Prawns Arising

From a picture of five standing prawns comes this parody of a National Day song (Five Stars Arising, based on the National flag). ;-)


Wednesday, 8 April 2015

I Am Wanton Mee



I am Wanton Mee
It is obvious to see
I am QQ
If you hug-hug me

I am Wanton Mee
Can't you see?
Those wrinkly lumps
Defining the sex of me

I am Wanton Mee
You think I'm healthy?
Not by much
From those chye-sim veggies

I am Wanton Mee
Often a complex mystery
Got flavours of things
Cloaked in soupy invisibility

I am Wanton Mee
Fleshed and not bony
I am char siew white
Red from you teasing me

I am Wanton Mee
And you so desire me
Tired of Mee Pok Man
You come to like the wanton me!

- by TC Lai

(Inspired from the question "Which hawker food are you?" ;-) (Mee Pok Man is a local movie from eons ago!)

Chilli, My Luv



Chilli, my luv
You add spice to my life
Oh Chilli, my luv
You are hotter than my ride
Oh Chilli, my luv
You are too good to hold
Oh Chilli, my luv
You rock me today, tomolo
Oh Chilli, my luv
Without you life is bland
Oh Chilli, my luv
You make me become man
Oh Chilli, my luv
I won't share you with anyone
Oh Chilli, my luv
I'll have you anywhere under the sun
Oh Chilli, my luv
I'll even lay you on fruit
Oh Chilli, my luv
My frens call me "toot"
Oh Chilli, my luv
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not
Oh Chilli, my luv
I become stupid with you this hot
Oh Chilli, my luv
Can anyone make me stop?
Oh Chilli, my luv
Die die also I rather not!

- by TC Lai

Tiger's Plight

Tiger, tiger burning bright
Serially, serially cheated on his wife
Came back strong
But back was weak
Adapted his game
Making several tweaks
All in vain
As back came the pain
But he played some more
Sadly no more Tiger's roar
Sunk he has into the pits
Now suffering from the dreadful yips
Or so said Hank
The man who kept Tiger at No.1 rank
For so long, till the confession came
Then the Tiger became rather tame
Tiger, Tiger yearning bright
When oh when will you get it right? 
- by TC Lai



Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Sup Torpedo

A full bull penis (Sup Torpedo)


Oh Hameed, what did you do?
Took my thing and made Sup Torpedo

Now Daisy the cow is all upset
I was all ready to make her nest

Now calflings there'll be none
No more Happy Hour under the sun

Oh Hameed, you horrid rascal
Took the thing that let me bustle

So an unusual sup you could make
People thinking "Is that snake?"

Now I wander the prairie alone
Staring mournfully at the moon

A ghost of a limb cut from me
Still hinting strongly between my knees

So then, what now brown cow?
That I'm turned from from stud to sow

Farmer John is not a happy man
Seeing his prized bull kenna maimed

So he sought to maketh me whole again
And visits the barn 50 Shades of Jane

A dildo it is called 
And mighty its size and all

Studded here, studded there
Glows in the night like some neon bear

When Farmer John strapped me on
Daisy sweetheart gasped and swooned

I found I could bellow loud once more
Waking creatures from here to Singapore

Hameed I did chase and he stumble
Over him I did stand and angrily rumble

"Hameed, here comes your due!
For turning my sausage into stew!"

Hameed let out a mighty scream
A four-foot dildo making his assacream

From that day onwards no more sup
Just Hameed opening durians selling pulp

For now he has seen the light
Never make sup with a bull's delight

What I now have you cannot eat nor chew
But I could still give Daisy her wanton due

And Farmer John he be praised
For returning this bull his bedroom mace

As for the barn Fifty Shades of Jane
Everybody cast off their bedroom shame

Bought a whip, a harness or a pitchfork
Started masking in overtight Batman frock

Quite a sight to see you will agree
I'm glad I am a bull and not some bedroom sickie

- by TC Lai

(Sup Hameed, Penang Rd, Penang. Photo credit: Peter Yeoh)

Note: No animals were harmed in writing this poem. But I did find a 4-ft dildo in a shop somewhere in Hannover. Lost my way and found myself in a red light district in a green-lit shop. This monstrosity can only be a farm implement, right? Even my Aussie host who lived on a farm was astounded. Afterwards, we did manage to find the Irish pub we were looking for to celebrate St Patrick's Day. In any case, Roald Dahl's My Uncle Oswald is a hoot to read and rather related to bulls and reproductive stuff.  Enjoy! (Sup is Malay for soup.)

Monday, 23 February 2015

Nian Gao Hao (年糕好)



A sweet note to go with the nian gao:

You are my nian gao
Good enough to eat
You are my nian gao
To you I'll always stick

You are my nian gao
"Nian nian dou hui hao"
You are my nian gao
"Ren sheng mei de liao"

You are my nian gao
Other things "bu yao"
You are my nian gao
"Mei ni wo bu de liao!"

*****

You are my 年糕
Good enough to eat
Your are my 年糕
To you I'll always stick

You are my 年糕
都会好
You are my 年糕
人性得了

You are my 年糕
Other things 不要
You are my 年糕
没有你我不得了

*****
You Are My Nian Gao
(or Ten Hours Steaming Up In The Red Room)

(Sung to Your Are My Sunshine)

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You make me happy when I frown
You have a Red Room and some odd 'brooms'
You are truly 50 Shades of Brown

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
You were in leather that's so tight
You hooked a finger, say "Come on lah, dear"
And you kept me in handcuffs all night!  

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked naughty and I got snookered
Sometimes you whipped me, at times you slapped me
You surely don't follow the Missionary's book

The other day, dear, as I lay in my tighties
And wondering who was in that mask
Is it my nian gao, or is it that chwee kueh?
Who likes to lick my toes and laugh

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked creepy and I got spooked
So please my darling no more surprises
I like my nian gao the way it is cooked


I like my nian gao the way it is cooked

- by TC Lai
Note: Do you know that it takes 10-12 hrs of streaming to make nian gao??? Wow.