Thursday, 30 July 2015

The Courtship of Jibby and Rosmah

[Sung to the tune of Don't Cry Joni - By Conway Twitty and Joni]

Najib (in earnest):

Rosmah, Rosmah will you marry me?
I'll be rich some day you'll see.
Using all my cunning just for you.
On your fingers a colored diamond or two

Rosmah (delighted):

Jibby, Jibby is that really true?
You'll work that hard till face turn blue?
Easier if you're Prime Minister
or sign the cheques as Finance Minister too.

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah you are really great
Give me ideas so I won't have to sweat
The first million I will give to you
And some commission to that fella Jho Low

Rosmah (curious):

Jibby, Jibby who is that fellow?
He always want to go shopping too
Aiyah, I buy women undies he also want to see
He always say never mind, he is your buddy! 

Najib (assuring):

Rosmah, Rosmah oh please don't fret
Jho Low's the guy who will make us set
A life of luxury beyond anyone's belief
Coz we both wear the same pair of briefs!

Rosmah (relieved):

Jibby, Jibby now I rest easy
Not many people get to see my huge panties
If Jho 'Moonface' Low is truly your pal
Anything we do I shall not tell. 

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah that's my girl
Stand by me and the world's a whirl
Of parties and cruises with Hollywood guys
The rest of Malaysia can go and die!

Rosmah (with caution):

Jibby, Jibby you must refrain
Let the world think you're an incorruptible saint!
The billions you'll take is for society
The in-bred fellas at the UMNO Party

Najib (grateful):

Rosmah, Rosmah again you speak of truth
How can I be PM without your tikus tooth
To bite and chew those who are against me
You must certainly be my First Lady!

Rosmah (shyly):

Jibby, Jibby you make me blush
I shall marry you but let's not rush
I still have a divorce to settle you know
With that Farid Emir who is so very poor

Najib (agreeing):

Rosmah, Rosmah I also same boat lah
We shall ditch our better halves and be ringgit gila
In this world of fast cars and personal jets
Who wants to remain a "kampungyet"

Rosmah (agreeing):

Jibby, Jibby you speak the truth
Having money means no aching tooth
Let's go all out to make a life for ourselves
And with this Jho Low boy who says he's the best!

(Najib and Rosmah hold hands and walk into the sunset. Jho Low, barely a toddler, follows in his diapers. That guy's a prodigy!) The end. - by TC Lai ;-)

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Any resemblance to anyone is pure coincidence.

- kampungyet - kampung monkey (literal/derogatory; meaning poor/backward folk); 

- tikus: rat - Rosmah's nickname, for when she has this mean look; 
- "share his briefs" - Cantonese saying for to be in the same boat/co-conspirator.


I think the question on everyone's mind right now in Malaysia is, what now brown cow? With Muhyiddin removed, the AG dismissed, and the media clammed down, the probe into 1MDB is pretty much dead. Najib has surrounded himself with party minions and is carrying on as if the 1MDB hoohah was nothing but a foreign stir-up. Najib is doing the "Let's carry on and not get distracted" strategy, hoping that with time (and other distractions, like another plane disappearing?) the 1MDB debacle will slowly fade from public interest. "Hey, trust me, the billions in my account is there for some good reason!" he seems to be telling his people. But if accounts of insider trading is true (the RHB takeover, with $300M pocketed), then Najib has to worry of being hauled to court once he is no longer in power. When that happens, the cards will really fall for those close to him, and the whole 1MDB affair will be laid bare. Najib can never let this happen. He and his family will have to flee Malaysia to avoid jail time! So, more the reason for him to cling to power.

Besides the "let's carry on as usual" approach, what can Najib do? Continue to be a Robin Hood to the poor and uninformed masses? Continue to give out handouts and subsidies? It has worked in the past, and this time round, with a couple of billions at his disposal, he can say, "See? I did it all for you." After all, he is the PM, FM all rolled into one. There's no accountability to hold him back. And it is a good excuse to use on the gullible. And Najib's stoic behaviour exudes that hey, I've been wronged and doing the best I can! Certainly he has shown that he is not the sort to jump up defiantly and say hey, I'm innocent! Najib has said he is a transformational leader. I bet in his private moments, he knows what is at stake and is wondering how to transform this horrid situation into something long term.

At the moment, he, Jho Low (and others) are the criminals. His party is backing him despite this fact. How long can it last, one wonders. AS LONG AS HE IS IN POWER. In some ways, it bears semblance to Saddam Hussein's rule. It's tribal, it's personal.  

But what can any right thinking politician do? Keep quiet and let things be. Najib keeping mum about 1MDB is better than seeing UMNO self-destruct and lose the next election. So the preferred line will be: the govt is under siege from forces bent on bringing it down. Close ranks and defend it. We'll sort out the 1MDB when Najib is ready.

But I think a HUGE moment has arrived for Malaysia. For long the bumiputra policy has not worked, the racial lines remain deep, the education of the young a misguided mess. More than ever, Malaysia needs an LKY-esque leader. Malaysia needs rebuilding, reforming, and resensing. But who will stand up? Who is capable? And in late LKY's words, Who has the gumption? - TC Lai

Additional note: The other question that begs answering is: Is Najib corrupt? Or better yet, is he corruptible? On the surface, he seem quite naive to have millions deposited in his very own name. Did he think all bank transactions are secret? Or was he thinking of just parking those millions in his account to earn temporary interest before the funds are used. If you read the reports carefully, there's been money laundering, there's been insider trading. Did he think Jho Low his "fixer" - able to move funds here and there at will? Don't forget, with someone controlling those funds, it can disappear over night, siphoned off to God knows where, converted to paper value. Maybe Najib is just one dumb thief. If he wasn't Finance Minister, I don't think this would have happened, at least not with such ease and swiftness. - TC

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Temple of the Nerd

(Or What's Really Upsetting The Fans!)

Oh Amy, what have you done
Turning these droids into porn-slave chums 
You 'chewing' on a light saber
Didn't know that was quite possible!
Are you insane?
Taking on Disney and its Star Wars gang
You will live on in infamy
They will boycott your films for an eternity
But wasn't that what you were?
A space tripping Playboy Bunny slur?
I take it you ain't all that pretty
Or even alluringly sexy
But you should have taken it slow
Polish up an affectious, angelic glow
Like, what's her name?
Renee Swollenankles Not-Looking-Same?
Yup, that gal in Bridget Jones Diary
The one that got Hugh Grant the Smarmy
But too late now
The Force Has Awaken you crazy cow!
You better run, you better hide
Or hey, do something to Vader the fans might like
Tie him up and spank him hard
Turn him into a porn-addict retard
50 Shades of Grey
Into 50 Shades of Empire Decay
That might score some points
Move you back up at the rebel joint
So, please, no more tweaky dick or finger lick
You'll drive the Star Wars fans more sick
Respect is always earned at the front of lines
With a laser blast that's always so very fine!
Not the sleaze of porn with familiar characters
It's like incest with your bros and grandfather
Cut it out, cut it out
My eyes burn to see that rot
It's not Disney I want
It's the nerd universe minus the whoring cunt
For it is the temple of the nerd
That you have sullied without a word
The Temple of the Nerd
The Holy Grail of all that academic work
So don't give it on a platter
With nerd bros that matter
Androids or not
Or a hairy bear of sorts (Chewy)
The Star Wars universe is sacrosanct
So shall the Temple of the Nerd remain at distance
The end - TC Lai

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

My Name Long. Ba-Long-Long

The old dog walks He is not at all shy His balonglong swinging Like churchbells in the sky My ah gong is skinny old Like most aged gents I know And his khaki shorts like umbrella His balonglong macham wayang show Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong My encik in camp will always shout When he see us very free "You guys balonglong never salute Drop and give me twenty!" When I was a child I like to hang out at the mamak shop For that yellow fruit in a preserve jar That "Eat too much your teeth will rot!" Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong Many fanciful names you have From 'balonglong' to 'kedondong' You are indeed an international agent Better than "My name is Bond. James Bond." Have songs been made of you A play, movie or two? Have girls held you tenderly And be reminded of a sweetheart too? Balonglong balonglong Why you hang there like balonglong So next time you see a friend" So free bo dai chi jor" Ask him why he so balonglong And invite him out for kopi-O The end - by TC Lai, 26th May 2015 Note: Balonglong is slang for cocky (same as yaya papaya), hanging loose and easy. Other spelling: Buah Longlong.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Five Prawns Arising

From a picture of five standing prawns comes this parody of a National Day song (Five Stars Arising, based on the National flag). ;-)

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

I Am Wanton Mee

I am Wanton Mee
It is obvious to see
I am QQ
If you hug-hug me

I am Wanton Mee
Can't you see?
Those wrinkly lumps
Defining the sex of me

I am Wanton Mee
You think I'm healthy?
Not by much
From those chye-sim veggies

I am Wanton Mee
Often a complex mystery
Got flavours of things
Cloaked in soupy invisibility

I am Wanton Mee
Fleshed and not bony
I am char siew white
Red from you teasing me

I am Wanton Mee
And you so desire me
Tired of Mee Pok Man
You come to like the wanton me!

- by TC Lai

(Inspired from the question "Which hawker food are you?" ;-) (Mee Pok Man is a local movie from eons ago!)

Chilli, My Luv

Chilli, my luv
You add spice to my life
Oh Chilli, my luv
You are hotter than my ride
Oh Chilli, my luv
You are too good to hold
Oh Chilli, my luv
You rock me today, tomolo
Oh Chilli, my luv
Without you life is bland
Oh Chilli, my luv
You make me become man
Oh Chilli, my luv
I won't share you with anyone
Oh Chilli, my luv
I'll have you anywhere under the sun
Oh Chilli, my luv
I'll even lay you on fruit
Oh Chilli, my luv
My frens call me "toot"
Oh Chilli, my luv
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not
Oh Chilli, my luv
I become stupid with you this hot
Oh Chilli, my luv
Can anyone make me stop?
Oh Chilli, my luv
Die die also I rather not!

- by TC Lai

Tiger's Plight

Tiger, tiger burning bright
Serially, serially cheated on his wife
Came back strong
But back was weak
Adapted his game
Making several tweaks
All in vain
As back came the pain
But he played some more
Sadly no more Tiger's roar
Sunk he has into the pits
Now suffering from the dreadful yips
Or so said Hank
The man who kept Tiger at No.1 rank
For so long, till the confession came
Then the Tiger became rather tame
Tiger, Tiger yearning bright
When oh when will you get it right? 
- by TC Lai