Sunday, 14 February 2016

Poem For An Old Love

To my darling:
When the love has grown old
And ardent kissing has stopped
What is there left to say?
When misshapened bodies in bed
Make spooning awkward
What is there left to say?
When a touch of the hair
Feels coarse and strange
What is there left to say?
When the starlight in our eyes
Has faded and dimmed
What is there left to say?
There's plenty I want to say
And I will say it with a hug
A hug that's long and silent
A hug that burns with the
warmth of my love unsaid.
For today and perhaps....
Till the next bad fart in bed.
- Much love (and advance apologies accepted!)
- by TC Lai

Monday, 21 December 2015

So This Is Christmas

(sung to the tune of So This Is Christmas)

And a so-so New Year Then when it gets better There's plenty to cheer It's already Christmas What have you done? Set up a half-assed tree With leaves aledy turning brown? Have a happy Christmas Be on your best show When toes are stepped on Rmbr, you've five more to go! A very merry Christmas Western food's a big deal From sweet honey-baked hams To cornish hens and oxtail tail stews Have a happy Christmas There's a new Force in town The war is not over And the old rebel gang is still around! And this is Christmas So drink up and sing Or stay plastered in a corner And snore till New Year rings

- by TC Lai

Monday, 7 December 2015

My Banglatime

Part-time lover? Maids and their Bangla construction worker BFs.
[Sung to the tune of My Valentine, by Martina 'Pinoy' McBride and Jim 'Bangla' Brickman] ;-)

My Banglatiine

If there was no work
Free on rest day
I would want to see you
And if there were chores
Madam want to pay me more
I'd give that up for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would hold your hand
Until the end of my Maids Free Time
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

All of my dusting life
I have been waiting for
Your calloused hand on my calloused knee
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to enjoy Bangla hospitality

I've dreamed of this in my small bedspace before
But in my dreams you're a Bangla hair so blond
I will give you my heart
Until it's back to Madam Time
You're all I need (for now), my love, my Banglatine

[piano solo:]

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would still hold your hand
Until the end of Maids Free Time
'Cause all I need is you, my Banglatine
Oh oh oh...
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

The end. - by TC Lai

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Malaysia Really Boleh-sia

"Malaysia Boleh" means Malaysia can...
Have a premier that walks crooked/slant
Hiding state funds right under our noses
In his own accounts like fed by hoses

How come a prime minister can act like that
He can, becoz we stupid let him wear two hats
As Finance Minister he signs all the cheques
It's like giving a fox, key to the turkey nest

"Suka suka pocket a few millions
What, wife, did you say "billions"?
Oops, I must have heard so very wrongly
For a colored diamond does cost quite aplenty!

"Nebermind nebermind if people ask
We'll just say it's from the land of dust
For what is a billion to those folks
when they have been longtime oil-barrel crooks

"So what if it ends in my bank account
One name is better than two names down
Like this I can spend at will
Keeping people quiet so secrets are not spilled!"

The shenanigans have long been going on
The 1MDB, vote buying, defence funds gone 
But hey, we are the ruling elite 
It is our birth right to make "subjects" bleed

But not so much that they will revolt
In little, little bits so they'll continue to work
In Boleh Land, in Boleh Land
Where promises are porous like shifting sand!

A prime minister stealing funds 
An AG lapdog spreading cow dung
To mask the putrid smell from Putrajaya
Blaming foreigners as avid government topplers

Who are they trying to kid?
Telling fantastical stories to 3-yr-old kids!
Oh yes, they prefer loyalty to smarts
No wonder they are closing ranks like mafia retards

Alright, so they'll keep up with the pretences
Causing you to question your senses 
If I slap you you look the other way
I raise my hand again, YOU better walk away!

This is getting from ridiculous to sublime
A whole nation sanctioning a national crime
Now the doors are opened and thieves let loose
All wanting to be Blameless Najibs and Ninja Jho Lows

For if the beam of the house is not straight
Can you blame the doorway being crooked?
It's a Chinese proverb that says it best
This premier will put upstanding Malays to the test!

The end - by TC Lai, 4 Aug 2015

Monday, 3 August 2015

Little Vase Little Dot

Lao Lee went to Lao Beijing

And met the Little Vase
He was old and ashen 
And smoking very fast

But Lee kept quiet
For he was but a guest
Knowing that a Little Dot 
Will one day put China to the test

"You speak of people owning homes
Of supermarkets full and fresh
Of flushing toilets with hinged doors
And people wanting to be their best!

"This I've got to see
How Communism is not Communism
How one party is not one party
Yet it succeeded without any Maoism!"

So Little Vase flew to Little Dot
And was offered a drink
It had lemon and sugar cane
Indeed on a warm day, truly a splendid thing

"My, my what is this terrific stuff?
Cane we surely have, but isn't it for walking?
Or smacking naughty children's behind 
When they cannot behave or stop talking?"

"Ah," said wise Old Lee, somewhat wise
"Children we have and talk they can
But not anyhow about the Thunder Folk
Or they get sued, no need any re-education camp!"

Little Vase nodded in agreement
Of how that is truly magnificent
Nobody yearns to lose money
That's hard earned and without malfeasance

"Ah, now I see, the fines and laws you have
Is to let the people understand
That what you have earned and built
Shouldn't be destroyed by some silly rant"

"It's a good way to keep loudmouths in check
Without imprisoning nor exiling them
For when the tummy is full
You are contented and not want to play the fool!"

And then Little Vase was offered
A rather rich and spicy dish in laksa
It reminded him of a troublesome place
Faraway in Tibet with a township called Lhasa

"Hmm, they are both quite the same
Making me bothered and sweating at the brow
But it is a colorful and different dish
Can China embrace this and not be selfish?"

"Heheh," smiled wise Old Lee smiling
"That has Peranakan and Indian flavors
"Of Malay and Chinese tastes...
Quite a good symbol of our struggles and labours!"

Just then an epiphany hit Little Vase
He rocked a little, lambasted by indisputable truths
"My, my, isn't this what China needs
A people together giving the dragon back its tooth?"

And so when Little Vase returned home
He threw his little red book aside
For long it has been about one man
Who had starved millions like some genocide

Who was vain and power mad
Destroyed folks in his decade-long cultural rage
When what he should have done
Is engineer a New Economic Age 

To let people work for their just rewards
Dictated not by state nor ideology
For people are best when put to the test
To make beautiful a future for their progeny

"We'll tax them and China will rise
From poverty and backwardness
To a nation of fast workers and makers
Producing hand phones to that Prada dress

And so Little Vase boarded his plane
And took one last look at Little Dot
Sometimes a mole on a face
Can indeed change a person's fate a lot!

The end - by TC Lai

Thursday, 30 July 2015

The Courtship of Jibby and Rosmah

[Sung to the tune of Don't Cry Joni - By Conway Twitty and Joni]

Najib (in earnest):

Rosmah, Rosmah will you marry me?
I'll be rich some day you'll see.
Using all my cunning just for you.
On your fingers a colored diamond or two

Rosmah (delighted):

Jibby, Jibby is that really true?
You'll work that hard till face turn blue?
Easier if you're Prime Minister
or sign the cheques as Finance Minister too.

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah you are really great
Give me ideas so I won't have to sweat
The first million I will give to you
And some commission to that fella Jho Low

Rosmah (curious):

Jibby, Jibby who is that fellow?
He always want to go shopping too
Aiyah, I buy women undies he also want to see
He always say never mind, he is your buddy! 

Najib (assuring):

Rosmah, Rosmah oh please don't fret
Jho Low's the guy who will make us set
A life of luxury beyond anyone's belief
Coz we both wear the same pair of briefs!

Rosmah (relieved):

Jibby, Jibby now I rest easy
Not many people get to see my huge panties
If Jho 'Moonface' Low is truly your pal
Anything you both do I shall not tell. 

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah now that's my girl
Stand by me and the world's a whirl
Of parties and cruises with Hollywood guys
The rest of Malaysia can go and die!

Rosmah (with caution):

Jibby, Jibby you must refrain
Let the world think you're an incorruptible saint!
The billions you'll take is for society
The in-bred fellas at the UMNO Party

Najib (grateful):

Rosmah, Rosmah again you speak of truth
How can I be PM without your tikus tooth
To bite and chew those who are against me
You must certainly be my First Lady!

Rosmah (shyly):

Jibby, Jibby you make me blush
I shall marry you but let's not rush
I still have a divorce to settle you know
With that Farid Emir who is so very poor

Najib (agreeing):

Rosmah, Rosmah I also same boat lah
We shall ditch our better halves and be ringgit gila
In this world of fast cars and personal jets
Who wants to remain a "kampungyet"

Rosmah (agreeing):

Jibby, Jibby you speak the truth
Having money means no aching tooth
Let's go all out to make a life for ourselves
And with this Jho Low boy who says he's the best!

(Najib and Rosmah hold hands and walk into the sunset. Jho Low, barely a toddler, follows in his diapers. That guy's a prodigy!) The end. - by TC Lai ;-)

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Any resemblance to anyone is pure coincidence.

- kampungyet - kampung monkey (literal/derogatory; meaning poor/backward folk); 

- tikus: rat - Rosmah's nickname, for when she has this mean look; 
- "share his briefs" - Cantonese saying for to be in the same boat/co-conspirator.


I think the question on everyone's mind right now in Malaysia is, what now brown cow? With Muhyiddin removed, the AG dismissed, and the media clammed down, the probe into 1MDB is pretty much dead. Najib has surrounded himself with party minions and is carrying on as if the 1MDB hoohah was nothing but a foreign stir-up. Najib is doing the "Let's carry on and not get distracted" strategy, hoping that with time (and other distractions, like another plane disappearing?) the 1MDB debacle will slowly fade from public interest. "Hey, trust me, the billions in my account is there for some good reason!" he seems to be telling his people. But if accounts of insider trading is true (the RHB takeover, with $300M pocketed), then Najib has to worry of being hauled to court once he is no longer in power. When that happens, the cards will really fall for those close to him, and the whole 1MDB affair will be laid bare. Najib can never let this happen. He and his family will have to flee Malaysia to avoid jail time! So, more the reason for him to cling to power.

Besides the "let's carry on as usual" approach, what can Najib do? Continue to be a Robin Hood to the poor and uninformed masses? Continue to give out handouts and subsidies? It has worked in the past, and this time round, with a couple of billions at his disposal, he can say, "See? I did it all for you." After all, he is the PM, FM all rolled into one. There's no accountability to hold him back. And it is a good excuse to use on the gullible. And Najib's stoic behaviour exudes that hey, I've been wronged and doing the best I can! Certainly he has shown that he is not the sort to jump up defiantly and say hey, I'm innocent! Najib has said he is a transformational leader. I bet in his private moments, he knows what is at stake and is wondering how to transform this horrid situation into something long term.

At the moment, he, Jho Low (and others) are the criminals. His party is backing him despite this fact. How long can it last, one wonders. AS LONG AS HE IS IN POWER. In some ways, it bears semblance to Saddam Hussein's rule. It's tribal, it's personal.  

But what can any right thinking politician do? Keep quiet and let things be. Najib keeping mum about 1MDB is better than seeing UMNO self-destruct and lose the next election. So the preferred line will be: the govt is under siege from forces bent on bringing it down. Close ranks and defend it. We'll sort out the 1MDB when Najib is ready (though not likely to happen). Najib has to be indicted for 1) Mismanaging the 1MDB; 2) Party to siphoning money from 1MDB to God knows where!; 3) Receiving questionable and large sums into his own private accounts (he is a civil servant, so why is this allowed? In China Xi Jinping would have him arrested already.)

But I think a HUGE moment has arrived for Malaysia. For long the bumiputra policy has not worked, the racial lines remain deep, the education of the young a misguided mess. More than ever, Malaysia needs an LKY-esque leader. Malaysia needs rebuilding, reforming, and resensing. But who will stand up? Who is capable? And in late LKY's words, Who has the gumption? - TC Lai

Additional note: The other question that begs answering is: Is Najib corrupt? Or better yet, is he corruptible? On the surface, he seem quite naive to have millions deposited in his very own name. Did he think all bank transactions are secret? Or was he thinking of just parking those millions in his account to earn temporary interest before the funds are used. If you read the reports carefully, there's been money laundering, there's been insider trading. Did he think Jho Low his "fixer" - able to move funds here and there at will? Don't forget, with someone controlling those funds, it can disappear over night, siphoned off to God knows where, converted to paper value. Maybe Najib is just one dumb thief. If he wasn't Finance Minister, I don't think this would have happened, at least not with such ease and swiftness. - TC