Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Tsai Chin - A Lover's Tears (parody)

The song:


Here's my lyric parody of Tsai Chin's Lover's Tears. Enjoy!

A Lover's Tears (Ironic)
- by Tsai Chin (translated)

My lover boy he took my eye
He took my eye
My lover boy he took my eye
He made me cry
And now I cry without my eye
Without my eye I cannot cry
My lover boy he took my eye
So glass eye now I must buy

My lover boy he took my sigh
He took my sigh
He took it whilst he was
Rubbing my thigh
I burp when I should sigh
My lover boy he took my sigh
Without a sigh
Heck, where's my sex life?

Oh, how cruel is he
Oh, how patient must I be
Should I lop off a ear
To be his dear?

Oh crap is this love
Is this love
Like Juliet poison Romeo
Or Ms Piggy hitting Kermit
Or Christian whipping
Anastasia "ka-chern-jio"

My lover boy he took my dye
He took my dye
The dye I use on my hair
So younger men would care
And so now I without an eye
And not so much a sigh
And without my dye
Young men would say bye bye

And me without a sigh
Young men do not want to try
And without a physical eye
I'm always buzzed by a fly

Buzzed by a fly....(fade)

- by TC Lai, 30th April 2018

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

The One Pan Wonder (Revisited)

One Pan To Rule Them All

- TC Lai retouched 2 May 2018
(original date of composition must be some years back!)

In the Land of Odour, 
where a mighty flatulence had soured 
Out came orcs and goblins from their lair
Into a better smelling place called the Shy-air

There lived the One Pan Bearer 
who now looked a lot sicker
He had consumed a can of doubtful beans 
His face a terrible sheen of pigeon-shit green

Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me, Dandruff the Dork!
Or Dork "the Sort" who is wise and all
A wizard who still fiddled under his overalls

"Say, I have here a library book
Tells of your One Pan Wonder and a Martha cook 
says it can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella, Cuisinart

"Ooh, Old Cui panned up something not quite swell
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even The Nine Wraiths gave up on the scent
I must admit I farted out quite the stench
But, oh well, let's go find that larder room
Whence once they forged the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway

"If we do not act LIKE NOW
Souron "the Foul Mouth chef" will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Send up oven flames from that biggen' hill

"And heat up this One Pan Wonder
A non-stick, ceramic-coated killer

"And sift and flap and he'll be a "ya-ya" king
All of us will become his spellbound underlings
And be served makan from his Kitchen's Hell
Until stomachs are upset, minds become swill

"And our desire for fab food bid bye-bye
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

"So quick, come with me on this journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods to Michelin Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called A'Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knife and removing feet corn

"See, he's walked a thousand miles hungrily
Touting Makansutra's new spiritual journey
So he could return to his Condo Land a wise king
Able to instruct his Pinoy maid exotic foodie things

"But not until tested he is with that evil rounded wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under its spell
That owning that One Pan will surely make food sell

"Did not the old songs sing?
That sumptuous meals take practice to wring
Every bit of taste and flavour
To take one's palate to a place of splendour!

"So Prodo, hurry up and pack
We from here must leave like thunder crack
And Pantwise Greedy we will bring
For he who is now outside the window listening

"Pantwise you fool! 
Words of the One Pan Wonder is not cool
Say you deny all that's been heard
That, that...old-style cooking is worth singeing a beard

"A roaring fire, an iron skillet
Is all a chef needs to muster up
What your grandmother fed your mother
And your mother is feeding you and your brother!

"Yes, yes, Dandruff the Dork
I swear I swear I'd never heard your crock
About that verily Ein-Pan-Wunder 
That seems to make meals so much easier

"I swear I'll stick to Prodo
Like an old iron skillet to sizzling bacon
And never leave his side
Just like Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain

"Hey, hey Pantwise
Keep him in your pants if you must
As long as he is far far away
From Souron's Doom and Lust

And so with that and a thunder clap
Dandruff, Prodo and Pantwise left 
And of course they did bring along
Merrycock and Peepen so we could all...

Some day...

Turn their adventure into a One Pan Wonder song 

The end
(A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....Thanks to Matt Tan of SBM for reminding of this silly ditty done on a whim. ;-))

Monday, 13 February 2017

I Remember...

I am happy she is found
But finding doesn't mean meeting

I am terrible when profound
Saying things I don't really mean

I am seldom is the clown
Perhaps one day, I'll come around

I am cranky when down
So you better not hang around

I am here but not around
I much prefer to hang about town

I am senior and not sound
That is what they keep telling me

I am not yet in the ground
And still happy she is found

The end. By TC Lai

Pine Ning

I have a love
She is far away

I have a love
She burns yet very near

I have a love
I can't get to

I have a love
I can only warm inside

There is a love
That sits away

There is a love
I imagine every day

There is a love
But what will she say?

There is a love
And will she slip away?

Love is love
No matter where

Love is love
No one can say

Love is love
Coz I deem it so

Love is love
Coz you made me so

The end. - By TC Lai

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Poem For An Old Love

To my darling:

When the love has grown old
And ardent kissing has stopped
What is there left to say?
When misshapened bodies in bed
Make spooning awkward
What is there left to say?
When a touch of the hair
Feels coarse and strange
What is there left to say?
When the starlight in our eyes
Has faded and dimmed
What is there left to say?
There's plenty I want to say
And I will say it with a hug
A hug that's long and silent
A hug that burns with the
warmth of my love unsaid.
For today and perhaps....
Till the next bad fart in bed.
- Much love (and advance apologies accepted!)

- by TC Lai

Monday, 21 December 2015

So This Is Christmas

(sung to the tune of So This Is Christmas)

And a so-so New Year Then when it gets better There's plenty to cheer It's already Christmas What have you done? Set up a half-assed tree With leaves aledy turning brown? Have a happy Christmas Be on your best show When toes are stepped on Rmbr, you've five more to go! A very merry Christmas Western food's a big deal From sweet honey-baked hams To cornish hens and oxtail tail stews Have a happy Christmas There's a new Force in town The war is not over And the old rebel gang is still around! And this is Christmas So drink up and sing Or stay plastered in a corner And snore till New Year rings

- by TC Lai

Monday, 7 December 2015

My Banglatime

Part-time lover? Maids and their Bangla construction worker BFs.
[Sung to the tune of My Valentine, by Martina 'Pinoy' McBride and Jim 'Bangla' Brickman] ;-)

My Banglatiine

If there was no work
Free on rest day
I would want to see you
And if there were chores
Madam want to pay me more
I'd give that up for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would hold your hand
Until the end of my Maids Free Time
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

All of my dusting life
I have been waiting for
Your calloused hand on my calloused knee
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to enjoy Bangla hospitality

I've dreamed of this in my small bedspace before
But in my dreams you're a Bangla hair so blond
I will give you my heart
Until it's back to Madam Time
You're all I need (for now), my love, my Banglatine

[piano solo:]

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would still hold your hand
Until the end of Maids Free Time
'Cause all I need is you, my Banglatine
Oh oh oh...
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

The end. - by TC Lai