Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Sup Torpedo

A full bull penis (Sup Torpedo)

Oh Hameed, what did you do?
Took my thing and made Sup Torpedo

Now Daisy the cow is all upset
I was all ready to make her nest

Now calflings there'll be none
No more Happy Hour under the sun

Oh Hameed, you horrid rascal
Took the thing that let me bustle

So an unusual sup you could make
People thinking "Is that snake?"

Now I wander the prairie alone
Staring mournfully at the moon

A ghost of a limb cut from me
Still hinting strongly between my knees

So then, what now brown cow?
That I'm turned from from stud to sow

Farmer John is not a happy man
Seeing his prized bull kenna maimed

So he sought to maketh me whole again
And visits the barn 50 Shades of Jane

A dildo it is called 
And mighty its size and all

Studded here, studded there
Glows in the night like some neon bear

When Farmer John strapped me on
Daisy sweetheart gasped and swooned

I found I could bellow loud once more
Waking creatures from here to Singapore

Hameed I did chase and he stumble
Over him I did stand and angrily rumble

"Hameed, here comes your due!
For turning my sausage into stew!"

Hameed let out a mighty scream
A four-foot dildo making his assacream

From that day onwards no more sup
Just Hameed opening durians selling pulp

For now he has seen the light
Never make sup with a bull's delight

What I now have you cannot eat nor chew
But I could still give Daisy her wanton due

And Farmer John he be praised
For returning this bull his bedroom mace

As for the barn Fifty Shades of Jane
Everybody cast off their bedroom shame

Bought a whip, a harness or a pitchfork
Started masking in overtight Batman frock

Quite a sight to see you will agree
I'm glad I am a bull and not some bedroom sickie

The end (Sup Hameed, Penang Rd, Penang. Photo credit: Peter Yeoh)

Note: No animals were harmed in writing this poem. But I did find a 4-ft dildo in a shop somewhere in Hannover. Lost my way and found myself in a red light district in a green-lit shop. This monstrosity can only be a farm implement, right? Even my Aussie host who lived on a farm was astounded. Afterwards, we did manage to find the Irish pub we were looking for to celebrate St Patrick's Day. In any case, Roald Dahl's My Uncle Oswald is a hoot to read and rather related to bulls and reproductive stuff.  Enjoy! (Sup is Malay for soup.)

Monday, 23 February 2015

Nian Gao Hao (年糕好)

A sweet note to go with the nian gao:

You are my nian gao
Good enough to eat
You are my nian gao
To you I'll always stick

You are my nian gao
"Nian nian dou hui hao"
You are my nian gao
"Ren sheng mei de liao"

You are my nian gao
Other things "bu yao"
You are my nian gao
"Mei ni wo bu de liao!"


You are my 年糕
Good enough to eat
Your are my 年糕
To you I'll always stick

You are my 年糕
You are my 年糕

You are my 年糕
Other things 不要
You are my 年糕

You Are My Nian Gao
(or Ten Hours Steaming Up In The Red Room)

(Sung to Your Are My Sunshine)

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You make me happy when I frown
You have a Red Room and some odd 'brooms'
You are truly 50 Shades of Brown

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
You were in leather that's so tight
You hooked a finger, say "Come on lah, dear"
And you kept me in handcuffs all night!  

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked naughty and I got snookered
Sometimes you whipped me, at times you slapped me
You surely don't follow the Missionary's book

The other day, dear, as I lay in my tighties
And wondering who was in that mask
Is it my nian gao, or is it that chwee kueh?
Who likes to lick my toes and laugh

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked creepy and I got spooked
So please my darling no more surprises
I like my nian gao the way it is cooked

I like my nian gao the way it is cooked

The end - By TC Lai
Note: Do you know that it takes 10-12 hrs of streaming to make nian gao??? Wow.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Of Leeks, Geeks, and Plumbers

There was a geek who loved leeks
And went to inquire some
A man sent him to the market
And said, "Geek, you be discreet
"Or leeks you will get none!"

Now it is CNY

And everybody knows
A leek here a leek there
And soon the price of leeks blows!

The geek was glad for he so loved leek

And to the market he went
When the man he sought
Was surrounded by cabbages of sorts
He asked, "Er, I'm here for the leaks?"

The man, he looked an Assange

Hair flopping to one side
"You want leeks or leaks
You better be sure
For there is no return
When a goverment is out to censure!"

"I've been stuck in that embassy

For God knows how long
Started talking to typewriters
Like that Castaway 'Volleyball' Tom"

"So my advice is to forget leaks

And take instead this pomelo
It will ward off all evil
That can turn you into a much hated fellow"

"Hiaz, I wished my guys hadn't leaked

But instead made a big deal with leeks
At least we could still sit around
Play online games like a bunch of geeks

Just then a plumber passed by

"Hey, I hear there are leaks.
Can you point me the way?
A leak to mend is all I seek!"

Assange Man was livid, he was red

And off he stomped to his hideaway nest
"What's his problem?" the plumber asked
Isn't he the master of leaks, the best?"

The geek he picked up some leek

And shook his head quite sadly
"Yes, he's that geek with the leak
But now he's forgotten rather badly"

"Here you go, Plumber Man

Take some leek and head on home
Forget you've seen Assange Man
His leaks, geeks and hacking tome"

"Hang the leeks up the eaves

And say a silent prayer
Count long your blessings 
That you are a plumber and not that fella!"

- by TC Lai, 16 Feb 2015

Got this for my mom to cook and hang. Auspicious for CNY. wink emoticon Apparently 蒜苗/大蒜 is like 算, which is "count" in Chinese. Count wealth in the new year. wink emoticon Some call this Chinese leeks.

Bag with amalgamated word of 招财进宝 (Hailing Wealth, Enter Treasures) 

Pomelo are displayed during CNY and Mid-Autumn Festival. They 1) Ward off evil (yau); bathe with pomelo leaves infused water to cleanse oneself.2) Pomelo round, as a symbol of reunion 3) Shaped like a women's derriere, so symbol of fertility (many children).

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Eyes Got Stamp

When you are near
I walk into glass
Step into poo
I stutter
Like in King's Speech
Befuddled like Mr McGoo

Why is this so
When you are near
I am all "seven-hands-eight-legs"?
Can't hold a glass
Grip with chopsticks
I am sure to act
Like a nerdy dick

Oh, why oh why
When you are near
I almost lose my life
Crossing the road
When traffic I should be watching
Instead it's you I am admiring

Oh, why...
When the sun shines bright
There's a halo I see 
Angelic above your head
When it is dandruff fluttering up
I imagine it to be fairy dust

It must be 
Bak jew tak stamp*
Bak jew tak stamp

For when you are
Bak jew tak stamp
There is but one cure

Bite the bullet 
Profess your love
Then follow her after the loo
That's when you'll know
She's like the rest of us
Depositing stinky stinky poo

Unless it is wrapped in ribbon
Then she is a rare rare find
Probably Elvish in her blood
All fair, noble and clean
For elves visit no toilet
As Tolkien has let us to know
Only Dwarves stink up the world
With their yellowed pee snow

So, this Valentine's Day
Be wary of her presents
If it comes in a box
With stuff tied up in ribbons
Even if it looks great like chocolate
Even if it looks great like bonbons

Run away, run away
But since you are 
Bak jew tak stamp
You'll probably think them 
Gold like Ferrero Rocher
Gulp them down mightily
Without shame, without care

Mighty is the veil of ardent love
Mighty is the dart of First Love
For bak jew tak stamp
Is bliss to be enjoyed
A bliss to wish
A stamp you'll never have to courier off 

- by TC Lai on Valentine's Day 2015 *"Bak jew tak stamp" is Hokkien for eyes stucked with stamps, i.e. to be blind with love. ;-)

When You Are Near

Liked the picture, got inspired to write this poem. Is it about a challenging love? Or is love blind? Heheh. ;-)

You can just send this picture and say, "You make my heart bright bright!"

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

A Birthday Wish

On this day I wish
For lesser violence in this world
For men to embrace humor
And none of that at Charlie Hebdo

What's a god if not godliness
In every human heart
What's a religion
If not dedication to a light

That shine a path of goodness
when evil abounds
That radiates kindness
to those fallen on the ground

It's easy to scream and shout
It's easy to stamp everything out
A man stubborn with his beliefs
Is like a cactus sitting proud

A desert barren of others
Is unlike a garden of hues
Where birds and bees frolic
Where the world constantly renews

Love is not easy
Love is not hard
One just has to open up
A stale, malnourished heart

For it is better to May-pole
Round and under we go
We're not so different after all
When we laugh and sing songs of old

Instead of bullets and knives
Instead of blind ambition
Let's just feel like family
And build a better global nation

- by TC Lai, 14 Jan 2015

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

The Late Goodbite

(A parody song of The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd. Enjoy! (Note: There's a bit of Singlish!)

I saw a pie fall from the sky
A saucy meatball rolling by
As my tummy grumble a missed-out dinner
I go crazy in my mind's eye

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Maybe I drink tauhuay
At Redhill or Clementi
To hawker stalls that never close
By big smelly lonkangs that run down to the sea
Under tents at East Coast beach
In jungles and NS morn
I turn, bohbian, to instant noodles at home

But, oh wait, what's left in my fridge
I cannot tell
Shud have thrown away
They're still in my tray
You dare to eat, really meh?

Many FCs I have been
Many roaches I have seen
But I don't regret
No complain no free get
All the hawkers now scared of me

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Must I drink tauhuay
At Changi Rd or Holland V
To kopitiams that never close
By big lonkangs that run down to the sea
Of these hawkers I was told
Never mind ratings you have to go
To eat like siao before heading home

And, oh, where the calories hide in me
I sure can tell
If not the chin, then the waist
But now comes the day
To diet like siao!

Eat first lah, then diet diet like siao!

Link to the original The Last Goodbye (that The Hobbit movie end-song)