Monday, 23 February 2015

Nian Gao Hao (年糕好)

A sweet note to go with the nian gao:

You are my nian gao
Good enough to eat
You are my nian gao
To you I'll always stick

You are my nian gao
"Nian nian dou hui hao"
You are my nian gao
"Ren sheng mei de liao"

You are my nian gao
Other things "bu yao"
You are my nian gao
"Mei ni wo bu de liao!"


You are my 年糕
Good enough to eat
Your are my 年糕
To you I'll always stick

You are my 年糕
You are my 年糕

You are my 年糕
Other things 不要
You are my 年糕

You Are My Nian Gao
(or Ten Hours Steaming Up In The Red Room)

(Sung to Your Are My Sunshine)

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You make me happy when I frown
You have a Red Room and some odd 'brooms'
You are truly 50 Shades of Brown

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
You were in leather that's so tight
You hooked a finger, say "Come on lah, dear"
And you kept me in handcuffs all night!  

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked naughty and I got snookered
Sometimes you whipped me, at times you slapped me
You surely don't follow the Missionary's book

The other day, dear, as I lay in my tighties
And wondering who was in that mask
Is it my nian gao, or is it that chwee kueh?
Who likes to lick my toes and laugh

You are my nian gao, my sexy nian gao
You liked creepy and I got spooked
So please my darling no more surprises
I like my nian gao the way it is cooked

I like my nian gao the way it is cooked

The end - By TC Lai
Note: Do you know that it takes 10-12 hrs of streaming to make nian gao??? Wow.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Of Leeks, Geeks, and Plumbers

There was a geek who loved leeks
And went to inquire some
A man sent him to the market
And said, "Geek, you be discreet
"Or leeks you will get none!"

Now it is CNY

And everybody knows
A leek here a leek there
And soon the price of leeks blows!

The geek was glad for he so loved leek

And to the market he went
When the man he sought
Was surrounded by cabbages of sorts
He asked, "Er, I'm here for the leaks?"

The man, he looked an Assange

Hair flopping to one side
"You want leeks or leaks
You better be sure
For there is no return
When a goverment is out to censure!"

"I've been stuck in that embassy

For God knows how long
Started talking to typewriters
Like that Castaway 'Volleyball' Tom"

"So my advice is to forget leaks

And take instead this pomelo
It will ward off all evil
That can turn you into a much hated fellow"

"Hiaz, I wished my guys hadn't leaked

But instead made a big deal with leeks
At least we could still sit around
Play online games like a bunch of geeks

Just then a plumber passed by

"Hey, I hear there are leaks.
Can you point me the way?
A leak to mend is all I seek!"

Assange Man was livid, he was red

And off he stomped to his hideaway nest
"What's his problem?" the plumber asked
Isn't he the master of leaks, the best?"

The geek he picked up some leek

And shook his head quite sadly
"Yes, he's that geek with the leak
But now he's forgotten rather badly"

"Here you go, Plumber Man

Take some leek and head on home
Forget you've seen Assange Man
His leaks, geeks and hacking tome"

"Hang the leeks up the eaves

And say a silent prayer
Count long your blessings 
That you are a plumber and not that fella!"

- by TC Lai, 16 Feb 2015

Got this for my mom to cook and hang. Auspicious for CNY. wink emoticon Apparently 蒜苗/大蒜 is like 算, which is "count" in Chinese. Count wealth in the new year. wink emoticon Some call this Chinese leeks.

Bag with amalgamated word of 招财进宝 (Hailing Wealth, Enter Treasures) 

Pomelo are displayed during CNY and Mid-Autumn Festival. They 1) Ward off evil (yau); bathe with pomelo leaves infused water to cleanse oneself.2) Pomelo round, as a symbol of reunion 3) Shaped like a women's derriere, so symbol of fertility (many children).

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Eyes Got Stamp

When you are near
I walk into glass
Step into poo
I stutter
Like in King's Speech
Befuddled like Mr McGoo

Why is this so
When you are near
I am all "seven-hands-eight-legs"?
Can't hold a glass
Grip with chopsticks
I am sure to act
Like a nerdy dick

Oh, why oh why
When you are near
I almost lose my life
Crossing the road
When traffic I should be watching
Instead it's you I am admiring

Oh, why...
When the sun shines bright
There's a halo I see 
Angelic above your head
When it is dandruff fluttering up
I imagine it to be fairy dust

It must be 
Bak jew tak stamp*
Bak jew tak stamp

For when you are
Bak jew tak stamp
There is but one cure

Bite the bullet 
Profess your love
Then follow her after the loo
That's when you'll know
She's like the rest of us
Depositing stinky stinky poo

Unless it is wrapped in ribbon
Then she is a rare rare find
Probably Elvish in her blood
All fair, noble and clean
For elves visit no toilet
As Tolkien has let us to know
Only Dwarves stink up the world
With their yellowed pee snow

So, this Valentine's Day
Be wary of her presents
If it comes in a box
With stuff tied up in ribbons
Even if it looks great like chocolate
Even if it looks great like bonbons

Run away, run away
But since you are 
Bak jew tak stamp
You'll probably think them 
Gold like Ferrero Rocher
Gulp them down mightily
Without shame, without care

Mighty is the veil of ardent love
Mighty is the dart of First Love
For bak jew tak stamp
Is bliss to be enjoyed
A bliss to wish
A stamp you'll never have to courier off 

- by TC Lai on Valentine's Day 2015 *"Bak jew tak stamp" is Hokkien for eyes stucked with stamps, i.e. to be blind with love. ;-)

When You Are Near

Liked the picture, got inspired to write this poem. Is it about a challenging love? Or is love blind? Heheh. ;-)

You can just send this picture and say, "You make my heart bright bright!"

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

A Birthday Wish

On this day I wish
For lesser violence in this world
For men to embrace humor
And none of that at Charlie Hebdo

What's a god if not godliness
In every human heart
What's a religion
If not dedication to a light

That shine a path of goodness
when evil abounds
That radiates kindness
to those fallen on the ground

It's easy to scream and shout
It's easy to stamp everything out
A man stubborn with his beliefs
Is like a cactus sitting proud

A desert barren of others
Is unlike a garden of hues
Where birds and bees frolic
Where the world constantly renews

Love is not easy
Love is not hard
One just has to open up
A stale, malnourished heart

For it is better to May-pole
Round and under we go
We're not so different after all
When we laugh and sing songs of old

Instead of bullets and knives
Instead of blind ambition
Let's just feel like family
And build a better global nation

- by TC Lai, 14 Jan 2015

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

The Late Goodbite

(A parody song of The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd. Enjoy! (Note: There's a bit of Singlish!)

I saw a pie fall from the sky
A saucy meatball rolling by
As my tummy grumble a missed-out dinner
I go crazy in my mind's eye

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Maybe I drink tauhuay
At Redhill or Clementi
To hawker stalls that never close
By big smelly lonkangs that run down to the sea
Under tents at East Coast beach
In jungles and NS morn
I turn, bohbian, to instant noodles at home

But, oh wait, what's left in my fridge
I cannot tell
Shud have thrown away
They're still in my tray
You dare to eat, really meh?

Many FCs I have been
Many roaches I have seen
But I don't regret
No complain no free get
All the hawkers now scared of me

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Must I drink tauhuay
At Changi Rd or Holland V
To kopitiams that never close
By big lonkangs that run down to the sea
Of these hawkers I was told
Never mind ratings you have to go
To eat like siao before heading home

And, oh, where the calories hide in me
I sure can tell
If not the chin, then the waist
But now comes the day
To diet like siao!

Eat first lah, then diet diet like siao!

Link to the original The Last Goodbye (that The Hobbit movie end-song)

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

The Sound of Music Songs

These songs were written on a whim from some SBM FB posting request. The titles were actually made up in jest but since they was requested as songs, I wrote them out just for fun (thanks, Lay Lian). Hope it resonates, and have fun singing along. ;-)

(Sung to Edelweiss)

Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Every lunchtime you''ll see me
Sweet and sour, heavy or light
Just one dish won't fill me
Kung pow chicken, you are nice to know
Nice to know forever
Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Stay good-and-cheap forever!

Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Many dishes to choose from
Steamed or fried, stewed or diced
Stacked so nicely with white rice
Tapow or eat there, whatever the choice
Don't forget the chilli
Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Save money to marry!

- by TC Lai *Chap chye is mixed rice, or "geng jai fun" - economic rice - in Cantonese, a popular kind of food stall in food centers or kopitiams in Singapore where many dishes are cooked up for selection, often eaten with white or brown. Cost? Between $2 - $3. Some serve up plain white porridge as well. The vegetarian stalls would also have fried beehoon as an option.

So Long, Kway Teow
(Sung to So Long, Farewell)

There's a sad sort of clanging from the wok in the stall
And the plates from the kitchen too
And there at the tables is a sad customer
That's getting up to say, "Mai retire, eh sai bo, eh sai bo?"
Fed-up Ah Pek he tells us but firmly he's decided so
To say goodbye to you

So long, farewell, I won't fry your stupid kway teow
I love to go and sit down for awhile
So long, farewell, you and your phototaking
Shoo shoo, siam siam, mai come and charp me
I'm glad to go, find a retirement home to die
I'm stiff, I cough, I always have to pee
My son, he say he doesn't want to take over

So long, farewell, I won't fry your stupid kway teow
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

- by TC Lai *some words are in the Hokkien dialect. Kway teow is thick/flat, white vermicelli noodles.

(Sung to the tune of Do Re Mi)

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
What you need is Indo-mie
What you get is go-reng-mi
Go-reng-mi, go-reng-mi
The first three things just happen to be
Indo-mie, sauce chilli
Cook for three minutes till ready!
Let's see if I can make it easier

Zhou, is rice, a very wet rice
Muay, is you crying into zhou 
Mee, is tame unless with gems
Far, is a stall you never tried
So, is pastry with charsiew
La, is spicy till can cry
Teh, a drink with prata bread
That will bring us back to... 

Dough, is bread, to make your own
Deh, you eat you never pay
Mee, again, you'll put on weight
Fart, is you not giving me face
Sow, is trotter in vinegar
La, is lala that you joot
Teh, a drink you must tarik
That will bring us back to dough! (Dough, dough, dough...)

Dough leave me fart so loud till dog smell me, so don't!  

- TC Lai *Note: Zhou is porridge, muay is plain watery porridge