Saturday, 26 July 2014

Love Me Blender

Love me blender
Love me treats
Like that ripe mango
You have made my life complete
With all things phyto

Love me blender
Love me juice
All my dreams fulfilled
For that extra kick or two
I will add a dill

Love me blender
Love its song
That sings to my heart
It is quite the art

Love me blender
Love its truth
Fruits are Nature's gift
Just like Darwin he observed
Evolution's neat! 

Love me blender
Love it near
I will not lend out
Can't chance it getting spoilt
I will then freak out

Love me blender
Love its spout
Pouring out good stuff
I hope it will last the years
I haven't juiced enough!

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Durian Party Girls

I met a girl called Ang Hae
Her face always red and angry
And then there was Ho Lor
She was pretty but rather 'chor lor'

Along came Cheh Phoay Kia
Macham sam seng kia
Her real name was Chow Ah Lian
But we also called her Chow Lew Lian

I spent a week with lovely Gan Ja
Can't really remember what we did
We just smoked, and ate durians
And played siao Jenga with the seeds

But guess who walked in on us?
A girl we called Chup Yit Lao
She's skinny like two bamboo poles
Cause she's having ganja and nothing else

And who can forget Ka Pi Li
She was rather well endowed
But one side big, one side small
Pai kuah like ION Orchard Mall!

Her sister Xiao Hung was much better
Not too big, not too small
Sometimes cannot be too greedy
Mouth not big why ask for more???

D2 was a girl we met at disco nite
Shakes her head like on Ecstasy
Also make that "deetoo deetoo" sound
Wah lau eh, like that sibeh scary!

Ms D24 no need to say
Was a girl who blocked our view
Serving beer when we watched football
No Messi, only got mountain view!

Every drinking nite we meet Ang Bak Kia
Who, I think, never sleeps
Walks around with her eyes red red
I think she shud star in The Walking Dead!

My fave companion is Kan Bao Hung
But she can seldom sit beside me
You see, she is hot hostess at KTV
All the lao uncle chope, I sibeh envy

So I settle for Ms Cheh Phoay 15
Ms Kan's somewhat pretty colleague
She's rather green and inexperienced
But she worships me as her 'tuition' king


Glossary: (Mostly Hokkien)
- Ang Hae: red prawn

- chor lor: not graceful
- Cheh Phoay Kia: green skin kid
- macham (Malay): behaving like
- sam seng kia: gangster kid

- lew Lian: durian
- Chup Yit Lao: eleven storeys  - ganja: Heroin (drug)
- pai kuah: ugly (lit: don't look nice)
- Ang Bak Kia: red flesh kid (durian); also 'red eye kid'
- Kan Bao Hung (Cantonese): sure kenna booked
- lao: old
- sibeh: very 
- chope: to book before
- Cheh Phoay 15: Green skin No. 15 (as in KTV Girl No.15)

Working in Singlish can really mess up the grammar! ;-)

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

An Apron Gift

My apron is new
I've yet to wear
It's given of love
And I'm afraid it will tear

So I cook without one
Mindful of spills and leaping oils
Wondering when's a perfect time
To put it on and have it spoil

Then junior came
After a fantastic meal 
Turns me on
Turns my missus on, better still

Still the apron hangs on
Like a new suit in the wardrobe
Or like a silent mother in law
Reminding of how a husband could

Make his darling wife feel loved
Make his growing son feel safe
Make his pretty home a refuge
Make his Private Kitchen a slave

For home's not a home
Until the kitchen is broken in
For home is only a home
When folks start to dine in

I love the banter
I love the food I cook
Better yet I love
The people who enjoy my food

So, apron or not
Whatever it may think
I will pare, chop and sous vide
Embrace my cooker to the kitchen sink

For when the apron is new
The recipes will never grow cold
So that's the gift my true love gave
Our love to remain new till we are very old

- by TC Lai (a poem inspired by a D Woo clamour, SBM member)

Sunday, 18 May 2014

An Ode To Panty Hoses

(Onions last for eight months when placed in a panty hose?)

Panty hoses are plenty useful
Girls roll them down to catch a man
Guys would put them on their heads
And roll them down to rob a bank

Others might be more conservative
Stretching over a cup to strain tea
Or bag a few mothballs in the cupboard
To keep away the creepy crawlies

My neighbour he uses one
On the backrack of his bike
To tie things down to prevent
Them from falling out of sight

Kidnappers buy them in the dozens
When they are on a crime spree
Coz panty hoses make excellent knots
And also helps to hide their identities

Secretaries use them after hours 
To tie their bosses down
To make a point about sexual harassament
Or to encourage another bonu$ round

My own uncle he uses one
In the bathroom like a circus fool
"A panty hose swings-dry veggies
Better than any Tupperware spinner tool!"

My kopitiam aunty uses them
To bag coins from her till
"Heheh, I used to use plastic bags
But these won't punchek and spill!"

Navy frogmen are not immune
But they like theirs black
Coz in their undercover operations
They can twist-pack-sling things onto their backs!

You can put one over a vacuum hose
To stop sucking up little things
Or one over a potato

To grow those chia-head novel beings

Oh panty hose, oh panty hose
What more use can you offer?
You are like that laser gun invention
Offering up solutions one after another

It's even said a panty hose
Can keep things young and fresh
Onions kept in a bead-like hold
Can last eight months, still at their best

So what if I hose myself 
From head to foot
Would I live eight times longer
Older than a ginseng root?

My my, this is worth a gamble
The way I eat and drink
In 400 years time I'll still be
Baby cherubic and looking pink!

- by TC Lai

The Way They Were....

(Sung to the tune of The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand)

Mmm, mmm....

Mammaries, stretch the corners of my mouth
Freckled, swollen mammaries...just the way they were
Trouble breathing 'cause those juggers were so tough
Squished my nose like a squashed banana
Heng... I never choked!

Can it be so gigantic then?
Or has time disillusioned my mind?
If I have a chance to look at them again
Would I? Could I?

So scary, that very thought is so scary
Trying hard to reimagine
My lo ma zi breastfeeding me like a baby!
So I stick to my Anlene
Not that I'm weaned
Whenever I see a mammary
My mouth opens automatically!


====Shakespearean Version====

Mammaries, stretcheth the corners of mi mouth
Freckled, swollen mammaries, that's 
the way they were
Trouble breathing, cuz those 
juggers were indeed tough
Squisheth my nose like a flattened pea
Happy I never choked
Can it be it was so melonus then
Or has time maketh strange my mind
If for chance I can looketh at them again, 
would I? Could I?
So scary, that thot itself is so scary
Trying hard to envisage
mi mom-lady feeding me like a baby
So I sticketh to my Anlene
Not that I'm weaned
Whenever I see a mammary
my mouth wagers hopefully

- By TC Lai

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Conscious Uncoupling

The wedding ring on the dresser
Reminds me of so many things
The courtship, the proposal
The witnesses, of putting vows to ink

The union of two lives
Trying to co-habitate as one
It started out great
But slowly got undone

Is anyone to blame?
For the rising 'disagreements'?
Were we too nice to argue
Shout, like our parents' generation?

But disagree we did
Over many a small thing
Little facets of a mirror
Reflecting slights to plain annoying

From harsh light we turned
Naturally to what's soothing
Refinding our own cubby corners
Stashed with pre-relationship things

From a minute to an hour a day
Nothing much to say
At dinner the food grew cold
The desire to tuck... get away

In bed the mood was never 'in' 
Our backs stared at each other more
when once our breathing was assuring
Now it sounds as loud as a snore

We drifted yet no one daring
To mention that dreaded D-word
For that would be so embarassing
Two adults failing to make it work

"We ought to have known better
Educated as we were to the hilt
But no one told us that a marriage
Needs polish to achieve that lovely gilt

But we are loathe to try again
Our generation just don't
We are either too smug or
Think a match is out there to bring home

Or maybe we are too social
Being friends is just fine
Male or female, sis or bro
We can be pals, a relationship not cut fine

For our worlds can still spin
Overlapping like Venn diagram sets
Just not intimate nor romantic
Continue with our own goals, a reset

So, let's just uncouple
And let go of each other's hand
We can be adult about this
No need to visit divorce dramaland

It was surprisingly easy
Only a fleeting feeling of regret
When we agreed, there was euphoria
Disagreeing, we want to take a step back

So what does that say of love?
That it is but a fleeting moment of glad?
That we are more practical of mind
No need to treasure the comfort of our bed?

Or that we want to enjoy
Every moment for till it lasts
Knowing that stuff just don't work out
Like an amusement ride grinding to rest

Hiaz, Conscious Uncoupling....
So what does that mean?
That we have come to our senses
Rising above that 'for sake of child' din?

So we are no longer a couple
Back to being friends
Till we meet a new significant other
We'll hang out like mates in a used couple den

Divorce is such a bitter word
Like a relationship "dying" by "force"
Conscious Uncoupling is like a handcuff
Deliberately released, no longer enforced

Free, to do what each other like
Free, to do what in the heart delights
No major sense of loss
No major sense of disregard

You go your way
I will go mine
But around a child we still dance
An extended family where everyone shines

Love does make fools the best of us
And love's eye is quite forever
It can never conscious uncouple
And so there's hope yet in the marriage theatre

- by TC Lai

Mother Of Mine

(A parody song for today's Mother's Day, sung to Mother Of Mine)
Mother of mine
You gave to me
This very strange look, when I was a new baby
The nurse she screamed, the doctor he gagged 
Mother, oh 'pretty' Mother of mine

Mother of mine
You cooked for me
Lungs of a bat, balls of a monkey
I ate up everything, placed in front of me
Mother, oh 'crikey' Mother of mine

Mother, you gave me much weirdness
Much more than words can say
I pray the Lord that he make straight of you
Every night and every day

Mother of mine
You sewed for me
My very own bra, and a sandpapery panty
I wore on my first date, he scuffed his hands
Mother, oh 'protective' Mother of mine

Mother, you gave me much weirdness
Much more than words can say
I pray the Lord that he make straight of you
Every night and every day

Mother of mine
You gave to me
A small bank account, of Bitcoin currency
I never took a bus, I went to virtual school
Mother, oh 'thrifty' Mother of mine

Mother of mine
Now I am grown
You have grey hairs, from armpit to groin
Time I bathe alone, crap by myself too
Mother, oh 'do-everything-together' Mother of mine

Mother of mine
How the world has changed
MRT breaking down, gahmen giving Generation Package
I missed those times, we played five stones
Mother, oh 'kidney-problem' Mother of mine 
Mother, oh, 'always-kidding lah' Mother of mine 

- by TC Lai