Thursday 27 February 2020

In Love with a Married Woman

In Love With A Married Woman
- by TC Lai, 11 Feb 2020

I am in love with a married woman
The way she walks the way talks
Even the way she holds her fork and spoon
Are the little things I liked of a girl long ago

You will never tire thinking back
Of how you had wanted to say hi
If she would hold your hand
Or maybe dance that dance you had in mind

The big question
The big occasion
The honeymoon

I look at this married woman and feel
All those memories
And the ones only together with kids can make
And wonder earnestly if she feels the same

I wonder too of the work I need to do
To covet what that is not mine
If I need to run her husband over with a car
Or just accost him in a dark alley

To get him to give up what is obviously
A lost cause for him
For that married woman has given me a smile
That she might climb onto this adventure

I am dreaming of and am punctuating
With lovely imagery
For the years ahead are still pretty long

Then I get smacked on the head
"Eh buddy, why are you staring at her so long?
She's your wife, ain't she?"

"No lah, just thinking of an old song," I lied,
Embarrassed, but somewhat true

Some married women are best left alone
But there's only one I'd rather keep by my side

The end

(Note: A different take on the usual Valentines Day poem. :-))

Wednesday 11 September 2019

Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)

Vulnerable Woman
(lit Easily Get Hurt Woman)

Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)
- translated by TC Lai 11 Sept 2019 (a sing-along)

OMG, my husband he's a bum
He can never ever do his sums
Run his business just like a Trump
Sooner or later we have to run

And don't talk to me about his sons
They are not twins but equally dumb
Love to chew and swallow their bubble gum
So they could fart and have some fun

They then very slowly 
Blow them out their bums
"Mom! Dad! Come quick see what we have done
But you, but you
Oh my dear sons
Will be lifted nearer towards the sun

I think my job 
As parent is over
Kids are gone and burned up by the sun
No need to wait
Eh, got my facial already booked at eight...

Now the fun has just begun
On how to get rid of that overgrown bum
Who's now staring intently at the sun
Oh why did I marry that sonofagun


Hold a pillow and shoot him with a gun
Or put rat poison in his fave Mac bun
Or drop him dead with a killer pun
Oh yeah, he'll miss it he's that dumb

I think my job
As wife is over
The love's gone and not a single crumb
Shud I call a lawyer and wait
Or just slam a toaster on his head

Once there was love
Or was it clothes, the business jets?
Or the jetset parties and Hollywood press
But he, but he
Promised me much 
All a sham, finances on a crutch

A suspect I shouldn't become
Maybe the NRA has ideas and then some
Invite Dick Cheney over with a gun
My hubby might get some buckshot in his bum

Damn that Putin is handsome
And a bachelor with a big big mansion
Should I ask him do to a KGB run
To make me his wife Russia's No.1


La la la dee dum, oh just give me that goddamn gun....

Monday 27 May 2019

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream

Link: Click here.

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream (不裝飾你的夢)
(Classic HK 1970s Cantonese song)

I rather heart-pain than decorate your dream
Than you flip my heart like gymnast on a beam
Rather I Trump-sad-face crawl back to my sins
Like a fart thinning out with the wind

Don't you break my heart, break like iPhone screen
Like shattered ice, bits reflecting everything.
Hot passion naivety long ago became pain
Only got what-what questions that remain

Who's Yun Yee, that fire in my loins!
Who's Yun Yee, wah lun, me sibeh gong!
Rather my heart long calendar non-stop pain
Than let you turn it into a stretchy panty game!

Each and every sigh
Goes into your cleavage dream
Each and every coy laughter
Echoes loud in your fat lip dream
But the love I had for you once
Has become failed plastic surgery in the bin

- the end (translated by TC Lai)

Thursday 18 April 2019

Harm Sar Lei 咸沙梨

Here's a ditty from a Singapore 60s singer, Seung Kuan Lau Yun (Cantonese). Back then funny ditties set to popular 60s pop (and rock & roll) were quite the rage in HK. They also made an impact in Singapore and Malaysia. Title Harm Sai Lei, nickname of the character in the song and was actually derived from a fruit delicacy from Guangdong - Chinese pear sprinkled with a salty-sour pumice, quite like guava slices sold at today's pasar malam. This song is nostalgic as it speaks of Singapore's original satay stretch that was located along Beach Road, outside on the pavement of the St' John's Ambulance HQ. It later moved to The Esplanade (aka Queen Elizabeth Walk) as Satay Club, and then to Lao Pa Sat. Now part of it is also at The Esplanade's Makansutra Gluttons Bay. (One time was also temporary revived in Sembawang (next to SSC) as Satay Club years back).

This ditty was part of a three-song 45rpm vinyl, the cover of which is shown below. It shows the demolished National Theatre front. It also housed the popular Van Cleef Aquarium. Fort Canning.

The three-song vinyl link is here. The song begins at 4:49

The solo song is here:

Translated lyrics (by TC Lai):

My nickname is Harm Sar Lei
Three meals no diff - always with just lo-mei (stewed street food)
This year I'm 44
Still single and without a matrimonial home
One night went out to Beach Road
Was thinking of having satay
Coincidentally at the next table was a modern (stylish) and pretty girl
The more I looked, the more she resembled my decades-ago old flame
Her name was Ou-yang Molly
Speaking of Molly, she and I had a history
She was staying at one end of the street, I - the other
At times we went on dates (paktor), other times
We went to the movies
Our passion was hot, like over 100-plus degrees!
It was really fun and exciting and we cared for little else
But as the saying goes, Sorrow comes after Happiness
When you think about, it's logical
Not long after, the Japanese furiously bombed us
One day bomb here, another day bomb there
I heard a bomb fell right on Molly's house
No one knew if she was alive or dead
Now it's already over 20 years ago
Anybody would have gotten over it
But I don't know why I sooo liked her
See other women I don't want to pursue
Not Molly I don't want to marry
So when I saw Molly there (at the next table)
I rushed over and hugged her
Wanted to pine about our long-lost love
Kiss her all over and leave lovelorn tears
Suddenly out rushed some big-sized dudes
Without a word, knocked me to the ground
Some wanted to break my bones
Some wanted to skin me alive
Even if it's just a case of mis-identity
They shouldn't beat me up till so jialat
But as they say, Good deeds seldom heard
Bad deeds spread like wild fire
Word got to my lousy manager
He said I was a samseng-in-gentleman-clothing
And promptly fired me on the spot
You say lah, do I deserve that?
Do I deserve that?

- translated by TC Lai

咸沙梨 - harm sar lei - a smallish, brown skin Chinese pear with gritty but juicy flesh. Pumiced with a salt and sour plum sprinkle, hence 咸沙梨 or harm sar lei (Cantonese).

Thursday 11 April 2019

Three Dreams

Zhang Xiao Ying - Singapore's original Queen of Ballads

- Translation: (Lyrics are a bit unusual! *wink)

Three Dreams

The first dream
You try to get into my panty
But I was wearing pants
Your hand got stuck in the zipper
All the hair came off your hand

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore a bikini the very next day
But you were far far away

Anyhoo I took a selfie of my cooch
And think to whatsapp it your way
But instead I sent it to my father

The second dream
You try to get into my suitcase
We had planned a honeymoon
You were a cheap bastard
Paid for one ticket and a cheap motel room

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore the ring again next day
But you were drunk outside the doorway

Anyhoo I wrote a short brief letter
But no paper I could find
Instead I used a tampon and lipstick
And pasted 'BASTARD' up your behind

The third dream
You try to get into my coffin
Seeing I was lying in missionary
Can't you see I'm already dead?
To you even that is secondary

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I left my grave the very next day
But you went and banged Mary from Amway

Anyhoo I left you a mudtrail
That leads to the backyard shed
There I sit with pail and shears
To make you bleed when you next get head



Friday 29 March 2019

Autumn Come, Autumn Go

Here's another classic Cantonese song with attempted translation (haha).

Cao Loy Ya Cao Hue (Autumn Come, Autumn Go, Cantonese)


Autumn Come, Autumn Go

Hung hung long long Yip's dick outside my window
Flapping in the wind giving me the chills
The quiet amplify this unholy wait
Drip drip drip later into my uneasy dreamscape

At times it's Leong's scrotum
At times it is Ah Choon's scrotum
Still the dicks swing like windchimes
outside my window

Lay folks ask me why I wait
How I can long for just one dick
I say that's how you surely make
A long distance relationship stick
You cannot just flip a prata
And tuckaway at a naan with sriracha

And when those dicks make you pine
For that other continent swine
You pinch your arm to make yourself numb
The thought of you feeling so dumb
But we women are like that
Part our knees and our hearts are trapped

Chow Loy he would come, Chow Loy he would go
(Is that his name? I forget)
Chow Loy he make my tears involuntarily flow
Chow Loy he might come, Chow Loy he might go
Chow Loy will he again make an empty show?
Chow Loy he didn't come, Chow Loy he didn't go
Chow Loy make me read his texts like a widow
Chow Loy shud he stay, or shud he go
Chow Loy sent me a dick-pic and I'm all aglow!

- sung by Sally Yeh

又是凉的秋 愁无尽的秋
自问若忘掉你 都算应份
背着人心酸 人如愿相恋
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚
自问若忘掉你 都算应份
背着人心酸 人如愿相恋
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚

Wednesday 26 December 2018

Row Boat Cop


Row row row my boat

Gently down the stream
Verily verily verily
Life is not what I've dreamed

Row row row my boat
I seemed to have another life
Seemingly seemingly seemingly
I had a kid and a wife

Row row row my boat
I also seemed to have a badassed gun
Boomingly boomingly boomingly
It shot up bad guys nicely on the run

Row row row my boat
My bottom's welded to the deck
Chillingly chillingly chillingly
My bionic dick is always cold and wet

Row row row my boat
Here's the unpleasant thing
Rustily rustily rustily
The salt water's getting into my seams

Row...Row...Row my boat
Oh I'm stiffening mightily
Miserably miserably miserably
I'm left stuck with no WD40

Sit sit sit in my boat
All sunbeat and weather toiled
Bobbingly bobbingly bobbingly
I've become an expensive ocean buoy

- by TC Lai, 24th Dec 2018

A poem written in response to that funny image posted to Science Fiction Singapore FB group.