Monday, 21 December 2015

So This Is Christmas

(sung to the tune of So This Is Christmas)

So this is Christmas
Shopping like a clown
Ooh, a novelty ashtray!
Is my mind still sound???

But this is Christmas
It is that kind of fun
Jostling with deranged people
On late-present runs!

A very strangely Christmas
I've grown a new ear
Listening to catch-up stories
Is cousin Henry now a queer?

And so this is Christmas
With a baby in a manger
But he's pushed off the rocker
By a cuckoo named Santa

And so happy Christmas
What's the color this time
What, gold and silver?
Is smelting ingots a serious crime?

A very merry Christmas
And a so-so New Year
Then when it gets better
There's plenty to cheer

It's already Christmas
What have you done?
Set up a half-assed tree
With leaves aledy turning brown?

Have a happy Christmas
Be on your best show
When toes are stepped on
Rmbr, you've five more to go!

A very merry Christmas
Western food's a big deal
From sweet honey-baked hams
To cornish hens and oxtail tail stews

Have a happy Christmas
There's a new Force in town
The war is not over
And the old rebel gang is still around!

And this is Christmas
So drink up and sing
Or stay plastered in a corner
And snore till New Year rings

- by TC Lai

Monday, 7 December 2015

My Banglatime

Part-time lover? Maids and their Bangla construction worker BFs.
[Sung to the tune of My Valentine, by Martina 'Pinoy' McBride and Jim 'Bangla' Brickman] ;-)

My Banglatiine

If there was no work
Free on rest day
I would want to see you
And if there were chores
Madam want to pay me more
I'd give that up for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would hold your hand
Until the end of my Maids Free Time
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

All of my dusting life
I have been waiting for
Your calloused hand on my calloused knee
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to enjoy Bangla hospitality

I've dreamed of this in my small bedspace before
But in my dreams you're a Bangla hair so blond
I will give you my heart
Until it's back to Madam Time
You're all I need (for now), my love, my Banglatine

[piano solo:]

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if your shirt still smell of grime
I would still hold your hand
Until the end of Maids Free Time
'Cause all I need is you, my Banglatine
Oh oh oh...
You're all I need, my love, my Banglatine

The end. - by TC Lai

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Malaysia Really Boleh-sia

"Malaysia Boleh" means Malaysia can...
Have a premier that walks crooked/slant
Hiding state funds right under our noses
In his own accounts like glass in the sun

How come a prime minister can act like that
He can, coz we stupid let him wear two hats
As Finance Minsiter he signs all the cheques
Like giving a fox key to the turkey nest

"Suka suka pocket a few millions
What, wife, did you say "billions"?
Oops, I must have heard wrongly
For a colored diamond does cost plenty!

"Nebermind nebermind if people ask
We'll just say it's from the land of dust
For what is a billion to these folks
And they have been longtime oil-barrel crooks

"So what if it ends in my bank account
One name is better than two names down
Like this I can spend at will
Keeping people quiet so secrets are not spilled!"

The shenanigans have long been going on
The 1MDB, vote buying, defence funds gone 
But hey, we are the rulling elite 
It is our right to make our "subjects" bleed

But not so much that they will revolt
In little, little bits so they'll continue to work
In Boleh Land, in Boleh Land
Where promises are porous like shifting sand

A prime minister stealing funds 
An AG lapdog spreading cowdung
To mask the putrid smell from Putrajaya
Blaming foreigners as avid government topplers

Who are they going trying kid?
Telling fantastical stories to 3-yr-old kids!
Oh yes, they prefer loyalty to smarts
No wonder they are closing ranks like mafia retards

Alright, so they'll keep up with pretences
Like nothing has gone very wrong
I slap you you look the other way
It's important I keep my hand and YOU walk away

This is getting from ridiculous to sublime
A whole nation defining new standards of low
Now the doors are opened and thieves let loose
All wanting to be Blameless Najibs and Ninja Jho Lows

For if the beam of the house is not straight
The doorway will lean some other way
It's a Chinese proverb that says it best
This premier will cause many many Malays to go astray

The end - by TC Lai 4 Aug 2015

Monday, 3 August 2015

Little Vase Little Dot

Lao Lee went to Lao Beijing

And met the Little Vase
He was old and ashen 
And smoking very fast

But Lee kept quiet
For he was but a guest
Knowing that a Little Dot 
Will one day put China to the test

"You speak of people owning homes
Of supermarkets full and fresh
Of flushing toilets with hinged doors
And people wanting to be their best!

"This I've got to see
How Communism is not Communism
How one party is not one party
Yet it succeeded without any Maoism!"

So Little Vase flew to Little Dot
And was offered a drink
It had lemon and sugar cane
Indeed on a warm day, truly a splendid thing

"My, my what is this terrific stuff?
Cane we surely have, but isn't it for walking?
Or smacking naughty children's behind 
When they cannot behave or stop talking?"

"Ah," said wise Old Lee, somewhat wise
"Children we have and talk they can
But not anyhow about the Thunder Folk
Or they get sued, no need any re-education camp!"

Little Vase nodded in agreement
Of how that is truly magnificent
Nobody yearns to lose money
That's hard earned and without malfeasance

"Ah, now I see, the fines and laws you have
Is to let the people understand
That what you have earned and built
Shouldn't be destroyed by some silly rant"

"It's a good way to keep loudmouths in check
Without imprisoning nor exiling them
For when the tummy is full
You are contented and not want to play the fool!"

And then Little Vase was offered
A rather rich and spicy dish in laksa
It reminded him of a troublesome place
Faraway in Tibet with a township called Lhasa

"Hmm, they are both quite the same
Making me bothered and sweating at the brow
But it is a colorful and different dish
Can China embrace this and not be selfish?"

"Heheh," smiled wise Old Lee smiling
"That has Peranakan and Indian flavors
"Of Malay and Chinese tastes...
Quite a good symbol of our struggles and labours!"

Just then an epiphany hit Little Vase
He rocked a little, lambasted by indisputable truths
"My, my, isn't this what China needs
A people together giving the dragon back its tooth?"

And so when Little Vase returned home
He threw his little red book aside
For long it has been about one man
Who had starved millions like some genocide

Who was vain and power mad
Destroyed folks in his decade-long cultural rage
When what he should have done
Is engineer a New Economic Age 

To let people work for their just rewards
Dictated not by state nor ideology
For people are best when put to the test
To make beautiful a future for their progeny

"We'll tax them and China will rise
From poverty and backwardness
To a nation of fast workers and makers
Producing hand phones to that Prada dress

And so Little Vase boarded his plane
And took one last look at Little Dot
Sometimes a mole on a face
Can indeed change a person's fate a lot!

The end - by TC Lai

Thursday, 30 July 2015

The Courtship of Jibby and Rosmah

[Sung to the tune of Don't Cry Joni - By Conway Twitty and Joni]

Najib (in earnest):

Rosmah, Rosmah will you marry me?
I'll be rich some day you'll see.
Using all my cunning just for you.
On your fingers a colored diamond or two

Rosmah (delighted):

Jibby, Jibby is that really true?
You'll work that hard till face turn blue?
Easier if you're Prime Minister
or sign the cheques as Finance Minister too.

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah you are really great
Give me ideas so I won't have to sweat
The first million I will give to you
And some commission to that fella Jho Low

Rosmah (curious):

Jibby, Jibby who is that fellow?
He always want to go shopping too
Aiyah, I buy women undies he also want to see
He always say never mind, he is your buddy! 

Najib (assuring):

Rosmah, Rosmah oh please don't fret
Jho Low's the guy who will make us set
A life of luxury beyond anyone's belief
Coz we both wear the same pair of briefs!

Rosmah (relieved):

Jibby, Jibby now I rest easy
Not many people get to see my huge panties
If Jho 'Moonface' Low is truly your pal
Anything you both do I shall not tell. 

Najib (beaming):

Rosmah, Rosmah now that's my girl
Stand by me and the world's a whirl
Of parties and cruises with Hollywood guys
The rest of Malaysia can go and die!

Rosmah (with caution):

Jibby, Jibby you must refrain
Let the world think you're an incorruptible saint!
The billions you'll take is for society
The in-bred fellas at the UMNO Party

Najib (grateful):

Rosmah, Rosmah again you speak of truth
How can I be PM without your tikus tooth
To bite and chew those who are against me
You must certainly be my First Lady!

Rosmah (shyly):

Jibby, Jibby you make me blush
I shall marry you but let's not rush
I still have a divorce to settle you know
With that Farid Emir who is so very poor

Najib (agreeing):

Rosmah, Rosmah I also same boat lah
We shall ditch our better halves and be ringgit gila
In this world of fast cars and personal jets
Who wants to remain a "kampungyet"

Rosmah (agreeing):

Jibby, Jibby you speak the truth
Having money means no aching tooth
Let's go all out to make a life for ourselves
And with this Jho Low boy who says he's the best!

(Najib and Rosmah hold hands and walk into the sunset. Jho Low, barely a toddler, follows in his diapers. That guy's a prodigy!) The end. - by TC Lai ;-)

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Any resemblance to anyone is pure coincidence.

- kampungyet - kampung monkey (literal/derogatory; meaning poor/backward folk); 

- tikus: rat - Rosmah's nickname, for when she has this mean look; 
- "share his briefs" - Cantonese saying for to be in the same boat/co-conspirator.


I think the question on everyone's mind right now in Malaysia is, what now brown cow? With Muhyiddin removed, the AG dismissed, and the media clammed down, the probe into 1MDB is pretty much dead. Najib has surrounded himself with party minions and is carrying on as if the 1MDB hoohah was nothing but a foreign stir-up. Najib is doing the "Let's carry on and not get distracted" strategy, hoping that with time (and other distractions, like another plane disappearing?) the 1MDB debacle will slowly fade from public interest. "Hey, trust me, the billions in my account is there for some good reason!" he seems to be telling his people. But if accounts of insider trading is true (the RHB takeover, with $300M pocketed), then Najib has to worry of being hauled to court once he is no longer in power. When that happens, the cards will really fall for those close to him, and the whole 1MDB affair will be laid bare. Najib can never let this happen. He and his family will have to flee Malaysia to avoid jail time! So, more the reason for him to cling to power.

Besides the "let's carry on as usual" approach, what can Najib do? Continue to be a Robin Hood to the poor and uninformed masses? Continue to give out handouts and subsidies? It has worked in the past, and this time round, with a couple of billions at his disposal, he can say, "See? I did it all for you." After all, he is the PM, FM all rolled into one. There's no accountability to hold him back. And it is a good excuse to use on the gullible. And Najib's stoic behaviour exudes that hey, I've been wronged and doing the best I can! Certainly he has shown that he is not the sort to jump up defiantly and say hey, I'm innocent! Najib has said he is a transformational leader. I bet in his private moments, he knows what is at stake and is wondering how to transform this horrid situation into something long term.

At the moment, he, Jho Low (and others) are the criminals. His party is backing him despite this fact. How long can it last, one wonders. AS LONG AS HE IS IN POWER. In some ways, it bears semblance to Saddam Hussein's rule. It's tribal, it's personal.  

But what can any right thinking politician do? Keep quiet and let things be. Najib keeping mum about 1MDB is better than seeing UMNO self-destruct and lose the next election. So the preferred line will be: the govt is under siege from forces bent on bringing it down. Close ranks and defend it. We'll sort out the 1MDB when Najib is ready (though not likely to happen). Najib has to be indicted for 1) Mismanaging the 1MDB; 2) Party to siphoning money from 1MDB to God knows where!; 3) Receiving questionable and large sums into his own private accounts (he is a civil servant, so why is this allowed? In China Xi Jinping would have him arrested already.)

But I think a HUGE moment has arrived for Malaysia. For long the bumiputra policy has not worked, the racial lines remain deep, the education of the young a misguided mess. More than ever, Malaysia needs an LKY-esque leader. Malaysia needs rebuilding, reforming, and resensing. But who will stand up? Who is capable? And in late LKY's words, Who has the gumption? - TC Lai

Additional note: The other question that begs answering is: Is Najib corrupt? Or better yet, is he corruptible? On the surface, he seem quite naive to have millions deposited in his very own name. Did he think all bank transactions are secret? Or was he thinking of just parking those millions in his account to earn temporary interest before the funds are used. If you read the reports carefully, there's been money laundering, there's been insider trading. Did he think Jho Low his "fixer" - able to move funds here and there at will? Don't forget, with someone controlling those funds, it can disappear over night, siphoned off to God knows where, converted to paper value. Maybe Najib is just one dumb thief. If he wasn't Finance Minister, I don't think this would have happened, at least not with such ease and swiftness. - TC

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Temple of the Nerd

(Or What's Really Upsetting The Fans!)

Oh Amy, what have you done
Turning these droids into porn-slave chums 
You 'chewing' on a light saber
Didn't know that was quite possible!
Are you insane?
Taking on Disney and its Star Wars gang
You will live on in infamy
They will boycott your films for an eternity
But wasn't that what you were?
A space tripping Playboy Bunny slur?
I take it you ain't all that pretty
Or even alluringly sexy
But you should have taken it slow
Polish up an affectious, angelic glow
Like, what's her name?
Renee Swollenankles Not-Looking-Same?
Yup, that gal in Bridget Jones Diary
The one that got Hugh Grant the Smarmy
But too late now
The Force Has Awaken you crazy cow!
You better run, you better hide
Or hey, do something to Vader the fans might like
Tie him up and spank him hard
Turn him into a porn-addict retard
50 Shades of Grey
Into 50 Shades of Empire Decay
That might score some points
Move you back up at the rebel joint
So, please, no more tweaky dick or finger lick
You'll drive the Star Wars fans more sick
Respect is always earned at the front of lines
With a laser blast that's always so very fine!
Not the sleaze of porn with familiar characters
It's like incest with your bros and grandfather
Cut it out, cut it out
My eyes burn to see that rot
It's not Disney I want
It's the nerd universe minus the whoring cunt
For it is the temple of the nerd
That you have sullied without a word
The Temple of the Nerd
The Holy Grail of all that academic work
So don't give it on a platter
With nerd bros that matter
Androids or not
Or a hairy bear of sorts (Chewy)
The Star Wars universe is sacrosanct
So shall the Temple of the Nerd remain at distance
The end - TC Lai