Wednesday, 11 September 2019

Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)

Vulnerable Woman
(lit Easily Get Hurt Woman)



Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)
- translated by TC Lai 11 Sept 2019 (a sing-along)

OMG, my husband he's a bum
He can never ever do his sums
Run his business just like a Trump
Sooner or later we have to run

And don't talk to me about his sons
They are not twins but equally dumb
Love to chew and swallow their bubble gum
So they could fart and have some fun

They then very slowly 
Blow them out their bums
"Mom! Dad! Come quick see what we have done
But you, but you
Oh my dear sons
Will be lifted nearer towards the sun

I think my job 
As parent is over
Kids are gone and burned up by the sun
No need to wait
Eh, got my facial already booked at eight...

Now the fun has just begun
On how to get rid of that overgrown bum
Who's now staring intently at the sun
Oh why did I marry that sonofagun

<repeat>

Hold a pillow and shoot him with a gun
Or put rat poison in his fave Mac bun
Or drop him dead with a killer pun
Oh yeah, he'll miss it he's that dumb

I think my job
As wife is over
The love's gone and not a single crumb
Shud I call a lawyer and wait
Or just slam a toaster on his head

Once there was love
Or was it clothes, the business jets?
Or the jetset parties and Hollywood press
But he, but he
Promised me much 
All a sham, finances on a crutch

A suspect I shouldn't become
Maybe the NRA has ideas and then some
Invite Dick Cheney over with a gun
My hubby might get some buckshot in his bum

Damn that Putin is handsome
And a bachelor with a big big mansion
Should I ask him do to a KGB run
To make me his wife Russia's No.1

<Repeat>

La la la dee dum, oh just give me that goddamn gun....


Monday, 27 May 2019

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream



Link: Click here.

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream (不裝飾你的夢)
(Classic HK 1970s Cantonese song)

I rather heart-pain than decorate your dream
Than you flip my heart like gymnast on a beam
Rather I Trump-sad-face crawl back to my sins
Like a fart thinning out with the wind

Don't you break my heart, break like iPhone screen
Like shattered ice, bits reflecting everything.
Hot passion naivety long ago became pain
Only got what-what questions that remain

Who's Yun Yee, that fire in my loins!
Who's Yun Yee, wah lun, me sibeh gong!
Rather my heart long calendar non-stop pain
Than let you turn it into a stretchy panty game!

Each and every sigh
Goes into your cleavage dream
Each and every coy laughter
Echoes loud in your fat lip dream
But the love I had for you once
Has become failed plastic surgery in the bin

- the end (translated by TC Lai)

Thursday, 18 April 2019

Harm Sar Lei 咸沙梨

Here's a ditty from a Singapore 60s singer, Seung Kuan Lau Yun (Cantonese). Back then funny ditties set to popular 60s pop (and rock & roll) were quite the rage in HK. They also made an impact in Singapore and Malaysia. Title Harm Sai Lei, nickname of the character in the song and was actually derived from a fruit delicacy from Guangdong - Chinese pear sprinkled with a salty-sour pumice, quite like guava slices sold at today's pasar malam. This song is nostalgic as it speaks of Singapore's original satay stretch that was located along Beach Road, outside on the pavement of the St' John's Ambulance HQ. It later moved to The Esplanade (aka Queen Elizabeth Walk) as Satay Club, and then to Lao Pa Sat. Now part of it is also at The Esplanade's Makansutra Gluttons Bay. (One time was also temporary revived in Sembawang (next to SSC) as Satay Club years back).

This ditty was part of a three-song 45rpm vinyl, the cover of which is shown below. It shows the demolished National Theatre front. It also housed the popular Van Cleef Aquarium. Fort Canning.

The three-song vinyl link is here. The song begins at 4:49
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDGKj98V0w


The solo song is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7BIKpS2b5M&fbclid

Translated lyrics (by TC Lai):

My nickname is Harm Sar Lei
Three meals no diff - always with just lo-mei (stewed street food)
This year I'm 44
Still single and without a matrimonial home
One night went out to Beach Road
Was thinking of having satay
Coincidentally at the next table was a modern (stylish) and pretty girl
The more I looked, the more she resembled my decades-ago old flame
Her name was Ou-yang Molly
Speaking of Molly, she and I had a history
She was staying at one end of the street, I - the other
At times we went on dates (paktor), other times
We went to the movies
Our passion was hot, like over 100-plus degrees!
It was really fun and exciting and we cared for little else
But as the saying goes, Sorrow comes after Happiness
When you think about, it's logical
Not long after, the Japanese furiously bombed us
One day bomb here, another day bomb there
I heard a bomb fell right on Molly's house
No one knew if she was alive or dead
Now it's already over 20 years ago
Anybody would have gotten over it
But I don't know why I sooo liked her
See other women I don't want to pursue
Not Molly I don't want to marry
So when I saw Molly there (at the next table)
I rushed over and hugged her
Wanted to pine about our long-lost love
Kiss her all over and leave lovelorn tears
Suddenly out rushed some big-sized dudes
Without a word, knocked me to the ground
Some wanted to break my bones
Some wanted to skin me alive
Even if it's just a case of mis-identity
They shouldn't beat me up till so jialat
But as they say, Good deeds seldom heard
Bad deeds spread like wild fire
Word got to my lousy manager
He said I was a samseng-in-gentleman-clothing
And promptly fired me on the spot
You say lah, do I deserve that?
Do I deserve that?

- translated by TC Lai

咸沙梨 - harm sar lei - a smallish, brown skin Chinese pear with gritty but juicy flesh. Pumiced with a salt and sour plum sprinkle, hence 咸沙梨 or harm sar lei (Cantonese).


Thursday, 11 April 2019

Three Dreams


Zhang Xiao Ying - Singapore's original Queen of Ballads

- Translation: (Lyrics are a bit unusual! *wink)

Three Dreams

The first dream
You try to get into my panty
But I was wearing pants
Your hand got stuck in the zipper
All the hair came off your hand

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore a bikini the very next day
But you were far far away

Anyhoo I took a selfie of my cooch
And think to whatsapp it your way
But instead I sent it to my father
Who said COME HOME RIGHT AWAY

The second dream
You try to get into my suitcase
We had planned a honeymoon
You were a cheap bastard
Paid for one ticket and a cheap motel room

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore the ring again next day
But you were drunk outside the doorway

Anyhoo I wrote a short brief letter
But no paper I could find
Instead I used a tampon and lipstick
And pasted 'BASTARD' up your behind

The third dream
You try to get into my coffin
Seeing I was lying in missionary
Can't you see I'm already dead?
To you even that is secondary

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I left my grave the very next day
But you went and banged Mary from Amway

Anyhoo I left you a mudtrail
That leads to the backyard shed
There I sit with pail and shears
To make you bleed when you next get head

三个梦

第一个梦里
你像抹朝霞
可爱又迷人
飘渺又婆娑
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
万里迢迢关山难
我想忘却你未语悲先发
醒来时不禁泪满腮
泣无声空惆怅
第二个梦里
你像茉莉花
馥香又秀丽
清逸又多娇
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
蜂喧蝶舞闹嚷嚷
我想忘却你未语泪双双
醒来时不禁五更寒
肠欲断心彷徨
第三个梦里
你像轮明月
光彩又无私
晶莹又圣洁
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
天长路远魂飞苦
我想忘却你未语梦惊醒
愿上苍断梦能再续
莫令人催心肝

Friday, 29 March 2019

Autumn Come, Autumn Go

Here's another classic Cantonese song with attempted translation (haha).

Cao Loy Ya Cao Hue (Autumn Come, Autumn Go, Cantonese)





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt-DqvMIToc

Translation:

Autumn Come, Autumn Go


Hung hung long long Yip's dick outside my window
Flapping in the wind giving me the chills
The quiet amplify this unholy wait
Drip drip drip later into my uneasy dreamscape

At times it's Leong's scrotum
At times it is Ah Choon's scrotum
Still the dicks swing like windchimes
outside my window

Lay folks ask me why I wait
How I can long for just one dick
I say that's how you surely make
A long distance relationship stick
You cannot just flip a prata
And tuckaway at a naan with sriracha

And when those dicks make you pine
For that other continent swine
You pinch your arm to make yourself numb
The thought of you feeling so dumb
But we women are like that
Part our knees and our hearts are trapped

Chorus
Chow Loy he would come, Chow Loy he would go
(Is that his name? I forget)
Chow Loy he make my tears involuntarily flow
Chow Loy he might come, Chow Loy he might go
Chow Loy will he again make an empty show?
Chow Loy he didn't come, Chow Loy he didn't go
Chow Loy make me read his texts like a widow
Chow Loy shud he stay, or shud he go
Chow Loy sent me a dick-pic and I'm all aglow!


秋来也秋去
- sung by Sally Yeh

红红黄黄叶儿伴我窗
飘他方的你可有着凉
静问为何是你使我等待
怎么要千滴热泪滴进我梦乡
又是凉的秋 愁无尽的秋
知否当你远去后
牵挂到倦透
旁人常问何事要等
怎么可一世不爱别人
自问若忘掉你 都算应份
可惜每当叶落便念你更深
背着人心酸 人如愿相恋
推挡当世界再没秋季再算
秋来也秋去
秋风教人掉眼泪
何时才跟你可重聚
秋来也秋去
要到几多岁
方信你与我早早告吹
秋来也秋去
千千片红叶跌坠
如完成凄美的程序
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚
只有信会跟你再共对
旁人常问何事要等
自问若忘掉你 都算应份
背着人心酸 人如愿相恋
秋来也秋去
何时才跟你可重聚
秋来也秋去
要到几多岁
方信你与我早早告吹
千千片红叶跌坠
如完成凄美的程序
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚
只有信会跟你再共对
秋来也秋去 我似秋空虚

Wednesday, 26 December 2018

Row Boat Cop



RowBoatCop

Row row row my boat

Gently down the stream
Verily verily verily
Life is not what I've dreamed

Row row row my boat
I seemed to have another life
Seemingly seemingly seemingly
I had a kid and a wife

Row row row my boat
I also seemed to have a badassed gun
Boomingly boomingly boomingly
It shot up bad guys nicely on the run

Row row row my boat
My bottom's welded to the deck
Chillingly chillingly chillingly
My bionic dick is always cold and wet

Row row row my boat
Here's the unpleasant thing
Rustily rustily rustily
The salt water's getting into my seams

Row...Row...Row my boat
Oh I'm stiffening mightily
Miserably miserably miserably
I'm left stuck with no WD40

Sit sit sit in my boat
All sunbeat and weather toiled
Bobbingly bobbingly bobbingly
I've become an expensive ocean buoy

- by TC Lai, 24th Dec 2018

A poem written in response to that funny image posted to Science Fiction Singapore FB group. 

Saturday, 1 December 2018

Friend, Why So Stubborn?


[Sung to The Sound of Silence]

Hello Ho Ching my old friend
I see you're in the limelight once again
Wearing those same old blouse and pants
Dignitaries must wonder about your fashion sense
And it's a vision that's been badly seared in my brain
It still remains
Why, my dear girl, are you so stubborn?

In fashion halls you walk alone
Critics quietly throw a sartorial stone
Cause you are the PM's wife
They cannot criticise with this fake news vibe
To say how they feel and why you must see the light
With the fashion elite
But my friend, you are stubborn

Probably in the naked light you saw
One ah soh thick at waist and more
So a blouse and pants is best option
No need slim figure for a svelte cheongsam
But you know you at times look like an auntie on a sunday stroll
They look better, I am told
So please, don't be so stubborn

I know it's not tattered nor knitted poor
With slippers made by a MINDS affiliated girl
But you must know we've seen it all before
At dinners ONE, TWO, THREE and FOUR
So can you please mix it up so we need not heave nor throw up
At your sartorial sense
When your salary, can buy you a few Mercedes Benzes

You know it is quite insane
To be out always in same garment plan
What if a waitress wears the same exact garb
You gotta run and hide under a tarp
To avoid the shame you need to think more than just a little bit
Not dress like a robotic twit
So, my friend, why are you so stubborn?

Do you see me wear the same old clothes
At work, conferences or meeting my blokes
There's a time for every choice
A suitable design par for any course
So don't tell me Singapore fashion is such an utter bore
We have MOMA fashions galore
But my friend, you are stubborn

- by TC Lai

Note: Apparently the clutch bag she's holding in the pix is made by an autistic child from a Pathlight school. It is a great thing to do, but why not make it a gift to the other First Ladies?