Which direction, I had to ask
How kinky do you want to be?
So I tried it on myself
I bent, they all fell down
I had to eat them off the floor
Next time: Lick the chocolates first
2. Nibble on Ear
Animal, Vegetable or Opposite Sex? I had to ask
The cat scratched my face
The corn had to be cooked
The gal gave me a slap when I drew blood
Next time: Try on stewed pig's ears first
3. Pen a Poem
I love your eyes
They are as big as your knockers
I love your nose
They flare up like carburettors
I love....
She crumpled the card and threw it in my face
Next time: Compliment her ass ('As big as a car wash?')
4. Buy Her Flowers
She said she loved white
So I bought her white chrysanthemums.
Go and die, she said.
Give me a chance, I said
Buy me something orange.
So I bought her Day Lillies
They killed her cat.
Next time: Buy her plastic flowers
5. Cook Something for Her
Cooked her wagyu steak
She said she was vegetarian
Made her ice cream
She was lacktose intolerant
Baked her a cake
She said she rather have salad
Made her salad
She said she wanted rojak, not Caesar's
Next time: Get her a Kopitiam voucher
6. Walk Along The Beach
They say to find a moonlit night
When the stars are out
And the waters sparkly
And the sand smooth
First, she stepped into a pothole
And sprained her ankle
When she fell she gashed herself on beer bottle glass
Lying there she got swarmed by sand flies
Next time: Try the pool
7. Read in front of a Fire
It was cozy, the fire was kindling
Throwing gentle highlights onto her cheekbones
Also cinders into her hair
It burst into a ball of flame
And sent her running, into the snow
She fell head-first into the flaky ice
Like an ostrich in the sand
I ran after her but slipped and
Buried my face into her derriere
And found hair - not singed
Next time: Skip fatt-choy during CNY
8. Dedicate a Song on the Radio
I picked the station
Selected the song
And decided on the time
I even prepared the dedication note
Everything was perfect until
The radio DJ said her name wrong
Next time: Send her an sms and an iTune
9. Buy Her a Dress
Bought her a dress
She said it was a size too small
Am I saying she's fat?
Bought her another dress
She said it was a size too big
Was it meant for another girl? she said
Bought her yet another dress
She said it was the wrong color
Bought her a scarf
She said it made her look old
Bought her a cheong sam
She said I mock her
Bought her a sarong
She said I implied she was a slut
Bought her cloth
She said I was not sincere
Next time: Bring her to H&M and just pay
10. Go to a Movie
Bought the tickets
For plush seats
Bought the gourmet popcorn Garrets
And champagne wine
The lights dim
A man named Joker came in
Threw smoke and opened fire
She screamed, I screamed
She looked a mess, I looked a mess
She's not speaking to me ever again
Next time: Rent a dog and DVD
- by TC Lai
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