I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I bought a secondhand orphanage
You know, with secondhand orphans
The ones that will wring you with pity
Coz they were leftover butt uglies

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now thinking what I should do
Should I start a clothing factory
Or one that makes branded sporting shoes

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it belonged to an Asian large family
But when sister no look like brother
I knew I was suckered into something funny

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it was property fantastic
A two-storey building and garden of trees
Fruiting oranges that turned out to be plastic

I bought a secondhand orphanage
The pics of which sure looked nice
It was probably taken well before
The war took the kids parents' lives

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where things are not what they seem
The bedrooms have no beds
And the kitchen has no sink

I bought a secondhand orphanage
With no secondhand matron
She had run off with the caretaker
With promise of a Cebu Island tan

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Full of faces that have never cried
Happily they all crowd round me
Happily they too pick my pockets dry

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now missing a wallet and passport
But damn am I not having fun
Chasing kids turning crime into sport

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where we now sit and pant
Butt ugly faces with sweat and dirt
Knowing that I am their only saint

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Plainly now given a second chance
To turn these butt ugly faces
With brains that will someday charm

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That I turned into a firsthand school
Teaching hacking skills to seven year olds
By ten they turn health offical faces blue

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That carries out first-rate hacking jobs
No one is quite safe from us
Behind Anonymous is how we rob

I bought a secondhand orphanage
In a country that was once pretty rural
But the kids fancied themselves Robin Hood
Robbing the rich to give to the poor

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That is now considered Shangri-La
It sits next to a cloud
A center of cloud that is full of data

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That now trades in secondhand info
Data culled by seondhand orphans
Now coldcalling Prime Minister So-&-So

Buy back your data or the info will be sold

I bought a secondhand orphanage, yo

- by TC Lai

One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault - 一个人的寂寞两个人的错

Click for Youtube video:

Here's the somewhat literal translation of this once popular song. ;-)

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault

说好了一起走
风雨相伴不回头
爱你我愿意去等候
那怕再过几年秋

Say aledy we together go
Wind rain come we will not siam
Think of your big dick so I wait
Wait until CB drop you're never at gate

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love I alone fight
Discarding caution suspecting scam in sight
Thot love will last like day long earth old
One GE gone and you still no show

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Love another and me you conveniently forgot?
Is it backside itchy or lanjiao jio?
Alas, why I scratch and get hooked!

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
分手虽然是我先来说
又耐何躲的过心痛的折磨
这么多年生活改变却依然难过

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Break-up I say first but you never nod
Now I  kaobeh kaobu each night to cucumber
Tried a volleyball but better with vegetable

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love alone I fight
Macham like Speaker's Corner shouting my rights
Thot love last long long like ABBA song
What All Is Said And Done, you're gone

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

Someone litter whole block fault
Step outside kenna hit by chopping block
Kaneenabeh see-liao boh nang zai
Close door cry-cry over kopi-O sui dai

<Bonus lyrics>

Stupid me sompah(x2) love forever
Like govt say give back CPF if ever
Got meh? Hiaz, day long earth old
All I get is the emptiness of one big hole

One-person loneliness Internet fault
I hope Interpol find and have you caught
Put back the thousands I TT-ed over
For a dumb locket with a four-leaf clover

One-person loneliness Alzheimers fault
Potting plants, walking dogs
Or did I just walk the plant, potted the dog?
Do me a favour give me an euthansia shot

*Suck (softly)

I mean, Fuck! (surely)

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Kaneenabeh don't let me catch that bloody sod... (fade)

====

Your Perfume is Poison - 香水有毒

Youtube video

Your Perfume is Poison

- 香水有毒

- sung by Hu Yang-Lin
- translated *parody lyrics by TC Lai


Your perfume is poison
Make my tits hard for no reason
Make me cream way down south
And desirous of something in my mouth

Your perfume is poison
Chasing bedbugs onto my pillow
I dream of you as I stupidly scratch
Waking up later to a big bald patch

Your perfume is poison
Lingering over where you've been
And I know you have sinned
Judging by tissues you leave by the sink

Your perfume is poison
Making our neighour dog bark
Getting her all bothered and in heat
And it's not just the four-legged bitch

Your perfume is poison
It has oh--so tainted my nose
I can't even smell my own fart
Can only tell when folks edge apart

Your perfume is poison
No need to get me at "hello"
You got me at first whiff (and sniff)
And now I'm like mourner attached to grief

Your perfume is poison
How am I supposed to let go?
Like totally kenna led by the nose
A morning zombie to coffee and toast

Your perfume is poison
Is there no antidote?
Am I forever tagged your slave
Like that simi Anatehsai gohchap shades

Your perfume is poison
Don't think I will know any better
Take me, take me please
And put me out of my writhing misery

Your perfume is poison
Now my brother wants to know
"Sis, never see you like this before,"
"Can he buy me some from whatever store?"

Your perfume is poison
Is what I tell my brother
It will make even grandmas stalk you
And bak-chew tak star with superglue

Your perfume is poison
The only way to get out is to leave
Buy a one-way ticket to Timbuktu
Find work in some smelly safari zoo

Your perfume is poison
Working thru quantum entanglement
Crossing space-time and orbital ground
You feeling very up, I feeling very down

Your perfume is poison
The only hope is that you drown
In a vat full of wet concrete
And put away like Fukushima radioactive shit

Your perfume is poison
And I'm creaming once again.... (fade)

=======

Tsai Chin - A Lover's Tears (parody) - 情人的眼淚

The song:

Youtube video

Here's my lyric parody of Tsai Chin's Lover's Tears. Enjoy!

A Lover's Tears (Ironic)
- 情人的眼淚 
- sung by Tsai Chin

- translated by TC Lai

My lover boy he took my eye
He took my eye
My lover boy he took my eye
He made me cry
And now I cry without my eye
Without my eye I cannot cry
My lover boy he took my eye
So glass eye now I must buy

My lover boy he took my sigh
He took my sigh
He took it whilst he was
Rubbing my thigh
I burp when I should sigh
My lover boy he took my sigh
Without a sigh
Heck, where's my sex life?

Oh, how cruel is he
Oh, how patient must I be
Should I lop off a ear
To be his dear?

Oh crap is this love
Is this love
Like Juliet poison Romeo
Or Ms Piggy hitting Kermit
Or Christian whipping
Anastasia "ka-chern-jio"

My lover boy he took my dye
He took my dye
The dye I use on my hair
So younger men would care
And so now I without an eye
And not so much a sigh
And without my dye
Young men would say bye bye

And me without a sigh
Young men do not want to try

And without a physical eye
I'm always buzzed by a fly

Buzzed by a fly....(fade)

- by TC Lai, 30th April 2018

The One Pan Wonder (Revisited)

One Pan To Rule Them All

- TC Lai retouched 2 May 2018
(original date of composition must be some years back!)

In the Land of Odour, 
where a mighty flatulence had soured 
Out came orcs and goblins from their lair
Into a better smelling place called the Shy-air

There lived the One Pan Bearer 
who now looked a lot sicker
He had consumed a can of doubtful beans 
His face a terrible sheen of pigeon-shit green

Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me, Dandruff the Dork!
Or Dork "the Sort" who is wise and all
A wizard who still fiddled under his overalls

"Say, I have here a library book
Tells of your One Pan Wonder and a Martha cook 
says it can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella, Cuisinart

"Ooh, Old Cui panned up something not quite swell
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even The Nine Wraiths gave up on the scent
I must admit I farted out quite the stench
But, oh well, let's go find that larder room
Whence once they forged the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway

"If we do not act LIKE NOW
Souron "the Foul Mouth chef" will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Send up oven flames from that biggen' hill

"And heat up this One Pan Wonder
A non-stick, ceramic-coated killer

"And sift and flap and he'll be a "ya-ya" king
All of us will become his spellbound underlings
And be served makan from his Kitchen's Hell
Until stomachs are upset, minds become swill

"And our desire for fab food bid bye-bye
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

"So quick, come with me on this journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods to Michelin Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called A'Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knife and removing feet corn

"See, he's walked a thousand miles hungrily
Touting Makansutra's new spiritual journey
So he could return to his Condo Land a wise king
Able to instruct his Pinoy maid exotic foodie things

"But not until tested he is with that evil rounded wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under its spell
That owning that One Pan will surely make food sell

"Did not the old songs sing?
That sumptuous meals take practice to wring
Every bit of taste and flavour
To take one's palate to a place of splendour!

"So Prodo, hurry up and pack
We from here must leave like thunder crack
And Pantwise Greedy we will bring
For he who is now outside the window listening

"Pantwise you fool! 
Words of the One Pan Wonder is not cool
Say you deny all that's been heard
That, that...old-style cooking is worth singeing a beard

"A roaring fire, an iron skillet
Is all a chef needs to muster up
What your grandmother fed your mother
And your mother is feeding you and your brother!

"Yes, yes, Dandruff the Dork
I swear I swear I'd never heard your crock
About that verily Ein-Pan-Wunder 
That seems to make meals so much easier

"I swear I'll stick to Prodo
Like an old iron skillet to sizzling bacon
And never leave his side
Just like Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain

"Hey, hey Pantwise
Keep him in your pants if you must
As long as he is far far away
From Souron's Doom and Lust

And so with that and a thunder clap
Dandruff, Prodo and Pantwise left 
And of course they did bring along
Merrycock and Peepen so we could all...

Some day...

Turn their adventure into a One Pan Wonder song 

The end
(A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....Thanks to Matt Tan of SBM for reminding of this silly ditty done on a whim. ;-))

I Remember...

I am happy she is found
But finding doesn't mean meeting

I am terrible when profound
Saying things I don't really mean

I am seldom is the clown
Perhaps one day, I'll come around

I am cranky when down
So you better not hang around

I am here but not around
I much prefer to hang about town

I am senior and not sound
That is what they keep telling me

I am not yet in the ground
And still happy she is found

The end. By TC Lai

Pine Ning

I have a love
She is far away

I have a love
She burns yet very near

I have a love
I can't get to

I have a love
I can only warm inside

There is a love
That sits away

There is a love
I imagine every day

There is a love
But what will she say?

There is a love
And will she slip away?

Love is love
No matter where

Love is love
No one can say

Love is love
Coz I deem it so

Love is love
Coz you made me so

The end. - By TC Lai