I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I bought a secondhand diary
Because I was just too fuck lazy
To pen down thoughts for the day

What the rain might mean
Running down the window pane
Or wilted leaves dancing in the wind

I bought a secondhand diary
Thinking to be somebody else
Who had lived a life quite extraordinary

A mountaineer who scaled The Seven Peaks
Or a diver who lunged the darkest deeps
Or a prostitute who gave out Veteran Day freebies

Oh, what stories she might tell
Of men who braved bullets in a Man-made hell
Of men who cum and weep and open-eye sleep

I bought a secondhand diary
Wondering who had held the pen
Was it a man or woman or gender-bend?

Wooing a pretty wife or handsome man
Deciding if, indeed, you were born to bend
Forever keeping closet secrets from family & friends

I bought a secondhand diary
It came with a pretty bookmark
Did that person's life ended or upended hence?

To that page I turned
And was greeted by a script
So elegant and poised, and dignity-filled

"I too had bought a secondhand diary
And compared it to my new blank one
I had not a wit, how to write one sweet

"Haphazard was the old, and bunchy
Stuffed with notes and pictures aplenty
Scribbled over lines and margins... as if life on-demand

"It was a fascinating collage
For which my life can never be
Getting messy, crazy and rules-bound free?

"I soon wrote into my new expectant diary
And decided to live my life... A little free"

I did buy that secondhand diary
And bought a new one too
Hoping someday I might give someone pause

That living the lie of a life
Might be pretty quick and easy
Impresses no one but the reader he

But I look at my new diary
With its blank pages beckoning me
Do I still have a life to script and explore?

Though my hair is white
And my nails thick and hard
And veins a little too blue and angry

I need, I need, to forge ahead
To leave this world a thing
Even if it is a half-written diary!

For a reader to continue the journey
Especially one who's thinking...

Of buying a secondhand diary

- TC Lai

Crying Sand - 哭砂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4YkHQrPt2I

Crying Sand
- Translated by TC Lai

You are my most miserable lan-sai
Make me both happy and scared of tomolo
You said you must be free like stardust
Sometimes get naughty and make me boo-hoo

Rather see me cry-cry
Than boss my "bye-bye"
Really you are more like bak sai
Than stardust in my eyes

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What's so freaking great about the ocean
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really really, you must give it a try!"

Aledy hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

Chorus:
Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my teary eyes
Heng ah, I'm Ubering on this highway so I won't die!

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my achy heart
At least can clean out those clotty, fatty plaques

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my foggy mind
Rubbing like sandpaper, an Alzheimer-ridding enzyme

Wind blow come the sand
Oh, how it makes me cry
See, it's been hinted this relationship will never ever fly

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What so freaking great about the ocean?
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really, really you must give it a try!"

Already hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

<Repeat chorus>

We Are Singapore 2018

We Are Singapore (2018 version of the 1987 one)

(or Ngoh Dei Ng Sor  (Cantonese)// We Not Dumb/Stupid)

There was a time when people said
that Singaporeans are smart, and we believed it

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

Singapore our homeland, this is where we belong
All of us united, to deny those Ah Longs
Who have used this bikeshare, so they could then launder
Millions of unmarked dollars, back to gangs in Hong Kong

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

Chorus:
This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

(Read)
We the citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves to not be stupid people
Regardless of fitness or entrepreneurship
To not perpetuate the same indignity
Based on consideration and common sense
So as to achieve orderliness,
natural beauty and no eyesore to our nation

(Repeat chorus)

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I bought a secondhand orphanage
You know, with secondhand orphans
The ones that will wring you with pity
Coz they were leftover butt uglies

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now thinking what I should do
Should I start a clothing factory
Or one that makes branded sporting shoes

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it belonged to an Asian large family
But when sister no look like brother
I knew I was suckered into something funny

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it was property fantastic
A two-storey building and garden of trees
Fruiting oranges that turned out to be plastic

I bought a secondhand orphanage
The pics of which sure looked nice
It was probably taken well before
The war took the kids parents' lives

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where things are not what they seem
The bedrooms have no beds
And the kitchen has no sink

I bought a secondhand orphanage
With no secondhand matron
She had run off with the caretaker
With promise of a Cebu Island tan

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Full of faces that have never cried
Happily they all crowd round me
Happily they too pick my pockets dry

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now missing a wallet and passport
But damn am I not having fun
Chasing kids turning crime into sport

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where we now sit and pant
Butt ugly faces with sweat and dirt
Knowing that I am their only saint

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Plainly now given a second chance
To turn these butt ugly faces
With brains that will someday charm

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That I turned into a firsthand school
Teaching hacking skills to seven year olds
By ten they turn health offical faces blue

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That carries out first-rate hacking jobs
No one is quite safe from us
Behind Anonymous is how we rob

I bought a secondhand orphanage
In a country that was once pretty rural
But the kids fancied themselves Robin Hood
Robbing the rich to give to the poor

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That is now considered Shangri-La
It sits next to a cloud
A center of cloud that is full of data

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That now trades in secondhand info
Data culled by seondhand orphans
Now coldcalling Prime Minister So-&-So

Buy back your data or the info will be sold

I bought a secondhand orphanage, yo

- by TC Lai

One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault - 一个人的寂寞两个人的错

Click for Youtube video:

Here's the somewhat literal translation of this once popular song. ;-)

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault

说好了一起走
风雨相伴不回头
爱你我愿意去等候
那怕再过几年秋

Say aledy we together go
Wind rain come we will not siam
Think of your big dick so I wait
Wait until CB drop you're never at gate

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love I alone fight
Discarding caution suspecting scam in sight
Thot love will last like day long earth old
One GE gone and you still no show

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Love another and me you conveniently forgot?
Is it backside itchy or lanjiao jio?
Alas, why I scratch and get hooked!

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
分手虽然是我先来说
又耐何躲的过心痛的折磨
这么多年生活改变却依然难过

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Break-up I say first but you never nod
Now I  kaobeh kaobu each night to cucumber
Tried a volleyball but better with vegetable

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love alone I fight
Macham like Speaker's Corner shouting my rights
Thot love last long long like ABBA song
What All Is Said And Done, you're gone

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

Someone litter whole block fault
Step outside kenna hit by chopping block
Kaneenabeh see-liao boh nang zai
Close door cry-cry over kopi-O sui dai

<Bonus lyrics>

Stupid me sompah(x2) love forever
Like govt say give back CPF if ever
Got meh? Hiaz, day long earth old
All I get is the emptiness of one big hole

One-person loneliness Internet fault
I hope Interpol find and have you caught
Put back the thousands I TT-ed over
For a dumb locket with a four-leaf clover

One-person loneliness Alzheimers fault
Potting plants, walking dogs
Or did I just walk the plant, potted the dog?
Do me a favour give me an euthansia shot

*Suck (softly)

I mean, Fuck! (surely)

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Kaneenabeh don't let me catch that bloody sod... (fade)

====

Your Perfume is Poison - 香水有毒

Youtube video

Your Perfume is Poison

- 香水有毒

- sung by Hu Yang-Lin
- translated *parody lyrics by TC Lai


Your perfume is poison
Make my tits hard for no reason
Make me cream way down south
And desirous of something in my mouth

Your perfume is poison
Chasing bedbugs onto my pillow
I dream of you as I stupidly scratch
Waking up later to a big bald patch

Your perfume is poison
Lingering over where you've been
And I know you have sinned
Judging by tissues you leave by the sink

Your perfume is poison
Making our neighour dog bark
Getting her all bothered and in heat
And it's not just the four-legged bitch

Your perfume is poison
It has oh--so tainted my nose
I can't even smell my own fart
Can only tell when folks edge apart

Your perfume is poison
No need to get me at "hello"
You got me at first whiff (and sniff)
And now I'm like mourner attached to grief

Your perfume is poison
How am I supposed to let go?
Like totally kenna led by the nose
A morning zombie to coffee and toast

Your perfume is poison
Is there no antidote?
Am I forever tagged your slave
Like that simi Anatehsai gohchap shades

Your perfume is poison
Don't think I will know any better
Take me, take me please
And put me out of my writhing misery

Your perfume is poison
Now my brother wants to know
"Sis, never see you like this before,"
"Can he buy me some from whatever store?"

Your perfume is poison
Is what I tell my brother
It will make even grandmas stalk you
And bak-chew tak star with superglue

Your perfume is poison
The only way to get out is to leave
Buy a one-way ticket to Timbuktu
Find work in some smelly safari zoo

Your perfume is poison
Working thru quantum entanglement
Crossing space-time and orbital ground
You feeling very up, I feeling very down

Your perfume is poison
The only hope is that you drown
In a vat full of wet concrete
And put away like Fukushima radioactive shit

Your perfume is poison
And I'm creaming once again.... (fade)

=======

Tsai Chin - A Lover's Tears (parody) - 情人的眼淚

The song:

Youtube video

Here's my lyric parody of Tsai Chin's Lover's Tears. Enjoy!

A Lover's Tears (Ironic)
- 情人的眼淚 
- sung by Tsai Chin

- translated by TC Lai

My lover boy he took my eye
He took my eye
My lover boy he took my eye
He made me cry
And now I cry without my eye
Without my eye I cannot cry
My lover boy he took my eye
So glass eye now I must buy

My lover boy he took my sigh
He took my sigh
He took it whilst he was
Rubbing my thigh
I burp when I should sigh
My lover boy he took my sigh
Without a sigh
Heck, where's my sex life?

Oh, how cruel is he
Oh, how patient must I be
Should I lop off a ear
To be his dear?

Oh crap is this love
Is this love
Like Juliet poison Romeo
Or Ms Piggy hitting Kermit
Or Christian whipping
Anastasia "ka-chern-jio"

My lover boy he took my dye
He took my dye
The dye I use on my hair
So younger men would care
And so now I without an eye
And not so much a sigh
And without my dye
Young men would say bye bye

And me without a sigh
Young men do not want to try

And without a physical eye
I'm always buzzed by a fly

Buzzed by a fly....(fade)

- by TC Lai, 30th April 2018