Why Dig Nose

Picking your nose
Is plenty gross
But what would you 
Have me do?

Let the stuff
Build up
Like wet cardboard
Stuffed down a loo?

I rather enjoy
The pleasant toil
Of digging about
In this orifice

Not sure dry
Or like pie
Or crusty like
morning bak sai?

But a clear passage
Is a good message
That air is
Getting through

So my brain
Shall gain
Fresh insights and
Inspiration too

- by TC Lai

*bak sai - dialect for early-morning eye crusties. ;-)

A Seafood Fight

I once had a fight with an octopus
Which was rather ridiculous
He kept calling me names
that were all rather insane

"You blur like sotong!
Your mother was a whale!
Your father slept with a clam!
Your sister redlights in the kale!"

What the - F - are you on about?
Towards him I did shout
You are just a freaking fish
Destined for a restaurant dish

"I may have been taken
But I am not shaken
I'll poke anybody in the eye
I'll fight even if I have to die"

Well, sooner or later
You'll end up in some batter
So it's a foregone conclusion
That you've been tagged for consumption

The octopus he then stood
All eight legs like a fancy stool
A plump cushion he did seem
Actually I felt like hugging him!

Till his expletives began again
This time cursing my dinner gang
"You... you... buggers all!
Can't you just have fracking fish maw!!!"

A fren he felt indignant
Being rightly scolded by an octogen
"We have every right
To cook and BBQ you tonight!!!"

The octocuss he showed a sign
'Go frack yourselves if be so kind'
I think he just gave us The Finger
Although with him it was a Sucky Tentacle

Siao now, all hell did break loose
As tables turned, spilling lemon juice
The octoguy he couldn't run
Only waved his tentacles like playing drums

"Stand back, stand back"
Or I'll stab"
As he held up a knife and a fork
And also a calculator and a table clock

A funny sight it was
This octoswissknife making war
With whatever he could reach 
Shouting profanities that would shrivel a kid

Even black ink was issuing forth
Making dark the table cloth
Everyone stood and laughed
Calling the octopus on his bluff

Hahaha, scared until lao jio!
They all said, and cheohed
It only made the octopus fume
His color rising in a purple plume

Kaninabehkudasai!
Japanese issuing forth from the octoguy
It was also his final cry
As he collapsed like a heart attack guy

Octopuses, some scientists say
Cannot get too excited in this way
Their hearts are small and delicate
They'll burst like a dam's broken gate

And so we did have our sushi that night
Tako sushi to be quite precise
But it tasted mighty odd
A whole lot bitter... like of the profane sort

No one was quite surprised
After all that octopus wasn't nice
We just hoped the puffer fish
Would behave like a proper dish!

- by TC Lai

*lao jiao - dialect for urinate
*cheohed - dialect for laughed
*Kaninabehkudasai - a part dialect swear word

Paper Lantern

To Chinatown there I went
To find a wishing lantern seller
The stall was there on Trengganu Street
Manned by quite an interesting fella

"Lanterns my friend,
To send to the skies
Lanterns my friend,
So your love will never die."

I said choydakalaisee
Why your mouth so stink?
My darling will live forever
She'll last longer... than my kitchen sink!

I was flustered
Didn't know what to say
Sinks and scrubbers came to mind
From a guy selling quick fixes two stalls away

"Wah lau eh,
You compare her to a watery hole?
No wait, that's not quite right
Suggesting she has a leaky pipe!"

He seemed apologetic
So I let it go
For my gal did have incontinence
Always clawed away by some loo

Sheepishly I asked the price
Of those paper balloons in disguise
More like hot air lanterns
To be let loose into inky skies

"Last one... I give you free
Make sure you treat her nice
My own love tale is so-so only
Made dull by a lot of compromise!"

Hmm, a lot of truth in that
As I see uncle in brand new light
He may not have a silver tongue
But he sure does offer Oprah insights

So return I did to my gal
Happy as a breeze-swept tree!
Darling look, see what I got!
Wishing lanterns to bespeak our destiny!

My gal was nowhere to be seen
She's in the loo making a baking scene
"Paper, darling, paper, oh...
Stomach pain.... Food unclean!"

Oh my! Frantic did I search
But no paper roll could be seen
Painfully I had to tear the lantern up
So my girlfriend could walk out...clean 

And Still The Lanterns Rise

A lantern in the sky
Does make one cry
Of relationships past
That wishes didn't quite make last

One by one they soar
Each a face I could recall
A shy smile, a hopeful eye
All loves I believed would never die

And still the lanterns rise

The lake is placid
Disturbed only by crickets
The willows hang nearby 
I think of a girl, a tear to cry

And still the lanterns rise

The moon the same
The stars to blame
Why can't they have aligned
For a destined life of hers and mine

And still the lanterns rise

She asked a question
A kind of submission
But I was too honorable to shame
Another man's vested courting game

And still the lanterns rise

How is she now
That sparkle, that smile
That gentle touch on the arm
That slipped away coz I was dumb

And still the lanterns rise

I can only muse
Would she have refused
If I had been a lion that roared
If I had been coveting like some rich bore

And still the lanterns rise

I see the fire
Don't lose the desire!
Follow the lantern's rise
For tomorrow's always a reprise 

And still the lanterns rise

- by TC Lai

Wanton Mee

(Sung to Guantanamera)

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

I'm a just a man from Sembawang
Kenna hooked on the wanton mee there
(2 times)

It is so good I eat it white yeah!
No chilli or tomato sauce for me yeah!

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah

My words are spoken sincerely
I eat my wanton mee slowly
(2 times)

It speaks of life of yesteryear
Of a childhood that's so dear

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

I know you share my nostalgia
Of a noodle that's so familiar
(2 times)

Sold from Boon Lay to Tekka
Or Penang island to Malacca

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

- by TC Lai

The Desolation of Smog

(A food inspired tale. :-D )

Along came Towkay Brokenjeem
Looking a little worn in his torn dwarf jeans
Behind him his ragged clan and kin
Hoping Brokenjeem will mend their broken dream

They were descendants of a once proud race
Who cooked Laketown fish with assam paste
But since that stupid dragon invaded their abode
They had nothing great but sundried toad

Deep in the larder of their fortress lay 
Secrets of taste that sing and interplay
Gems of dining halls and giant plates
No present-day chef can recreate

No present-day chef can recreate
(The dwarf underlings echo thus)

And so Dandruff in a fit of hairy snow
Planned a journey they would all follow
"Dang, I haven't had a great sandwich
Since that Cuisinart fella made the switch
Instead of pure grain bread
That bugger used one with gluten instead
And so my runs had continued to this day
Ruining my magic with girls in the barnyard hay

"But these dwarf fellas seem to agree
Upon my great intuition as to pedigree
That this one Brillo Bagatausarbing
Can steal back their precious larder things"

Yes, to steal back our precious larder things
(Again the dwarf underlings echo)

Towkay Brokenjeem was a shifty crab
Didn't believe Brillo could handle a stealthy grab
"He's such a prim little Hobbit boy
Couldn't swing an axe even if it's a toy!"

But Dandruff would hear none of it
The hobbit's great with his cakes and eats
He didn't see the dwarves make a great sandwich
"I'll be damned if I'm going to survive on just toady treats!"

"But... but... that dragon Smog is a nasty one
Breathing out foul air that blocks even the sun
He's keen of sight and great at scent
"He'll pick out Brillo quicker than a count to ten!"

Yo, pick out Brillo quicker than a count to ten!
(The dwarf underlings suddenly breaking into Harlem rap)

For that stupid dragon Superslime
Is as violent as he is sublime
Make him madder than Geroge Bush in Iraq 
He'll Shock and Awe you into a sauerkraut 

Yo, he'll Shock and Awe you into a sauerkraut!
(The dwarf underlings do a Dougie swag)

The folks to suffer would be Laketown
Who is famed for their fish and wedding gowns
They are a folk who can match a bream and seam
A soonhock at the wedding, now you see the theme?

And so Towkay Brokenjeem
Led his fellas across the Misty Mountain stream
Up the slopes to a secret hole
That recipes of old had foretold

"On a windless moonlit night 
By Mid-Autumn's lantern light
Eat a mooncake and pig in cage
There you'll find the secret message"

And so the dwarves sat outside the gate and ate
All kinds of mooncakes and tausar bakes
So stuffed they were that they moaned and groaned
Even the dragon could hear them through ancient stone

And so when Brillo finally entered into the fold
He was already found out and sold
The dragon he opened an eye
And then laughed till he could die

"You little hobbit had come to steal
But you are just a fly I could easily kill.
The dwarves themselves showed no guts
Yet you still want to help them retake their stuff?"

And so the dragon swept Brillo aside
And flew off to Laketown countryside
Brillo turned, his face all ashen and stunned
"Oh no Laketown, what have I done!!!"

- to be continued (as in the movie!)

*Towkay - dialect for boss
*Brokenjeem - 'jeem' is dialect for crab*assam paste - a kind of sour curry paste (good with fish)
*tausarbing - Mandarin for a kind of green bean pastry
*soonhock - an expensive bottom-feeding food fish
*pig in cage - a popular Chinese Mid-Autumn snack

===The poem below started it all, from my baked bean posting at SBM. ;-)===
In the Land of Odor, where flatulence scatter them 
Orcs and goblins from their lair
Into the Shire they went to seek
The One Pan bearer who looked sick
From a can of doubtful beans
His face now a sheen of green
Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me Dandruff!" - the Dork!

"I have here a library book
Says your One Pan wonder is no crook
It can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella Cuisinart
Ooh, he slammed me a rotten sandwich 'other day
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even the Nine Wraiths gave up the scent
I must admit it was quite the stench
But oh well, let's sit down and make room
Of how to melt down the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway
If we don't act now
Sauron the Foul Mouth chef will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Blow up the fire under that big hill
And heat up the One Pan wonder
The non-stick, ceramic coated killer

"And sift and flap and ya-ya king
All of us will become his underlings
And be served makan from Kitchen's Hell
Until stomach upset, minds cannot tell
Our desire for great food will surely die
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

So quick, come with me on this epic journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods but first to Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called Ah Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knives and removing corn
He's walked a thousand miles you see
Like on some Makansutra spiritual journey
So he can return to his Condo a wise king
To instruct his Filippina maid about foodie things
But not till he has tested and rejected that round wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under their spell
You ought to improvise and make it your sell


- by TC Lai (A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....)

A Seed In My Shoe

I dreamed I had a seed in my shoe
It caused me to hop/walk to the loo
Needless to say I slipped and fell
Hitting my head on the side unrinal
I fell into a coma
And met Mr Schumacher 
Dude, why have you been?
I've been in a long dream
The man once from Ferrari Red said
Absentmindedly and touched his head
I am still not sure where I am
Perhaps you can share me a lamp
It's been rather dark here for very long
I am worried if I can stay strong
I took Michael by the arm
And led us to what I thought was the sun
A bright round circular light
At times dimming, at times bright
We then heard a voice entreating
Michael, Michael your heart's still beating
Come back to us
We are all waiting in earnest
Michael looked at me his eyes grateful
I think it's time for me to be wakeful
As he strode towards the light
I couldn't hide my delight
A hero to many following F1
Is finally going home to everyone
But what about me?
I am still stuck in this grey eternity
A slight bump on the head
Remembering what Cobb had said
Spin your token and then you'll know
If you are real or in levels way below
So I took my seed and spun it round
It stood for a while and fell to the ground
And here I am now in front of my comp
Typing in FB about a seed someone found

- by TC Lai

Buffet Regret

Everything so nice
Spread out so wide
More than the eye can see

I look for a plate
The plate so small
It stumped my joyful glee

But they never say
I can't take two plates
Or an extra cup of tea

So back to the table
A few more times
Catching looks from the maitre'd

Did I do a wrong?
Oh, forgot to wear a sarong
So my waistline can wobble free

A bit of Italian
A bit of Chinese
And a whole lot of Jap sushi

My plates a-brimming
Of color and shapes
My eyes glazed over greedily

I am in dreamland
At the buffet line
Like suddenly kenna big 4-D

Happy as a clam
And chomping away
Ignoring my companion's plea

'Eh, slow down bud
You got no need to rush
When the day's young, still early!'

I muffle a reply
He doesn't understand why
Coz my mouth's full of Jap moichi

And towards the end of day
When we have to pay
I am stuffed like a pregnant tee

Hand over mouth
As nausea sweeps
I want to throw up mightily

Slumped in the toilet
Down against a wall
I am regretting too easily

Coz come next buffet
Offer, deal and opp
You find me there again excitedly

So take a gun
Or a pointed knife
And put me out of my misery

For the food I waste
Is a big disgrace
To the worldwide starving humanity

- by TC Lai

Si You Si Bi

(A Lionel Ritchie Say You, Say Me parody - mostly in Hokkien. ;-)

Si you, si bi, toot tiok claypot
Jing choot bi
Si you, si bi, toot tiok bachang
Jing jiak pang

I had a dream, that was sibeh cheem
Heiko in roti, putting orh luak in curry
What I made was so indeterminate
My stomach rumbled a shout, I had to throw up

Si you si bi, toot tiok porridge
ho seng li
Si you si bi, toot tiok kiam neng
buay jing ee

As we go down life's kitchen highway
Seems the hardest thing to do is find a helper or two
That able hand or a server you'll understand
That when you order laksa mai hum
She's not going to stand there and stare, "Shen mo tilam?'

Si you si bi, toot tiok tiong-kok nang
Bo cake ki
Si you si bi, toot tiok wa nang
Poon bi bi

- by TC Lai

*si yu - soy sauce
*si bi - is rice grain
*toot tiok - meet/bump into
*jing choot bi - very flavourful
*jing jiak pang - very fragrant
*ho seng li - good business
*buay jing ee - cannot recognise
*shen mo - 'what is' in Mandarin
*tilam - pillow
*tiong-kok - PRC (mainland Chinese)
*bo cake ki - direct/ no need to be polite
*poon bi bi - blow whistle (happy like a child)  

Don't Cry For Me SBM Members

(Sung to the tune of Don't Cry For Me Argentina)

I'm not greasy
You'll think it strange
I am a mud fish with a strange smell
That may be too strong 
for the discerning amongst you
You won't believe me
All you see is a meaty fish
you once knew
That could be dressed up to the nines
With garlic, shallots and rice wine!

I had to let it to happen
You'll think it strange
When all a fish wants is to stay at sea
Avoiding predators and
mermaids with RPGs
So I chose suicide
Biting at every bait I see
But nothing impressed me at all
Except for Angeline's bait lor

Chorus:
Don't cry for me SBM members!
The truth is I don't know half of you
You cut short my wild days
My river existence
So keep your promise
Make me delicious!

As for fortune, as for fame
It depends on which joint I go
Is the chef famous and 
innovative like René Redzepi
Some are pretenders
They are not Michelin-starred
as they all claimed to be
I better not waste my time
I love you and hope you'll soon gut me!

Don't cry for me SBM members!

Chorus:
Don't cry for me SBM members!
The truth is I don't know half of you
You cut short my wild days
My river existence
So keep your promise
Make me delicious!

Have I said too much
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do 
Is look at the recipe books
And not waste my death, can you?

The End

- by TC Lai (another food inspired parody song) *SBM: Singapura Best Makan - an FB group.

The Jhok of Canton

(Sung to the Streets of London)

Have you seen the old man
In the old town market
Who cooks the jhok
That my mama used to make?
In his eyes you see the love
Like the strong fire in his stove 
Yesteryear's comfort made this morning's breakfast 

Chorus:
So now can you tell me why I'm crazy
For that old man's jhok that is so sublime
Let me take you by the hand and stir gently through those grains of porridge
Yesterday's memories return to blow the mind

Have you seen that old girl
Who also likes his porridge
She is 92, her clothes worn and old
She's no time for talking,
She just keeps on slurping
Thinking of her sweet mama of a 100 years ago

Chorus:
So now can you tell me why I'm crazy
For that old man's jhok that is so sublime
Let me take you by the hand and stir gently through those grains of porridge
Yesterday's memories return to blow the mind

In the all-night market
At a quarter past eleven
Same old man is still cooking on his own
Looking at the pot
Over the counter of his stove
The image of his one lady love
Is keeping him warm through the night

Chorus:
So now can you tell me why I'm crazy
For that old man's jhok that is so sublime
Let me take you by the hand and stir gently through those grains of porridge
Yesterday's memories return to blow the mind

Have you seen that old man
Who once used to make this porridge
His stove is quiet like the street that it stands by
In our fast paced city
Where hawker-food is dying like crazy
This one remembered porridge
Always brings a tear to my eye

Chorus:
So now can you tell me why I'm crazy
For that old man's jhok that is so sublime
Let me take you by the hand and stir gently through those grains of porridge
Yesterday's memories return to blow the mind

The End

Note: This ditty is dedicated to a 92-year old lady I met at a porridge stall in Pipit Road Market. She shared with me three Chinese medallion coins that her mom gave her when she was a young girl. They were the common talismans that mothers give their children to keep them from harm. She kept them in her purse all these years. And yes, the porridge reminded her of what her mom used to make. - TC Lai *Jhok is Cantonese for porridge. Alt spell: chok

Chaboh

(Sung to the tune of Skyfall)

This is my pants
Hold your breath and count to ten
Always the chaboh never end
See my gun they faint

For me no end
I'm speed bedding frame to frame
So overdued I owe them
So tired I snored

Let the chaboh
Don't come bother
Where's 008?
Oh how my body ache

Let the chaboh
Don't come bother
Where's 008?
Oh how my body ache!

Oh the chaboh
More the chaboh

Chaboh don't you start
You know you are not the only one
That is behaving like a tart
You can have my number, you can say my name
But you never win my heart!

Let the chaboh
Don't come bother
Where's 008?
Oh how my body ache!

Let the chaboh
Don't come bother
Where's 008?
Oh how my body ache!

Oh the chaboh

Where I go they go
When I sleep they sleep
When I pungsai they stand outside
Asking if no 1 or no 2
"Don't take too long James!
You know I haven't come
Oh James, oh James!"

OMG the chaboh
The queue never seems to end... (fade)

- by TC Lai *Chaboh - Hokkien dialect for woman/women. I use 'chaboh' in both singular and plural sense (as in native use).

Thigh Of My Own

(Sung to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a thigh, a thigh of my own
Where the skin is shiny and smooth
And when I'm alone with this thigh of my own
I could do nothing but smooch

Kiss, kiss this thigh of mine
Whether white, roasted or grilled
I will drench you in gloss that's ginger and sauce
Then my heart is happy and thrilled

Oh, give me a thigh - a thigh of  my own
Where the meat is voluptuous and thick
I know I'll be shy with this oh-so lusty thigh 
And cross my legs to deny my stick

Thigh, thigh of my own
Where the meat is tender and nice
I'll sing you a song of disco ball and thongs
And pole dance you on a carpet of rice

Oh, give me a thigh - a thigh of my own
Where the meat reminds me of an old gal
She had thunder thighs and a waxed device 
That'll make a churchman forget his bell

No, no, this thigh of mine
It is too gorgeous and true
I shall not eat but frame you up instead
My eyes on you forever be glued

- by TC Lai (another food-inspired parody song derived from Molly's salted drumstick posting.)

Steamed

(Sung to the tune of Frozen - the dim sum version (btw, food terms are in Cantonese ;-))

The steam grows hot in the basket today
not a customer to be seen. 
An eatery in isolation 
who the hell will come and eat?
The burner is howling like a swirling storm inside.
Gosh, I'm puffing up, couldn't keep it in
Please open the lid and peek inside
Take us out and then you know
We are more then just for show!

Har gau so, har gau so
G cheong fun and wu tau go
Har gau so, har gau so
Seu cheng bao and mah tai go
I don't care, what people say
Just put me on a tray and push me around

It's funny how chicken legs 
are often called fung chao
And the pork ribs refer to
some pai kuat sin or saint
It's time they call a spade a spade
so we all know what we have on our plate
No fancy names, no innuendos
We're free

Har gau so, har gau so
Go eat get wind and fly
Har gau so, har gau so
Eat the chilli sob and cry
Here I'll stay, beneath another tray
Let the steam burner rage on

My spoon flurry through my porridge
and drop onto the floor
The waiter picks it up and asks 
if I want some more
A dim sum thought crystallizes into one big bao
I'm never going back, after an Amy Yip Big Bao!

Har gau so, har gau so
I'll rise at the break of dawn
Har gau so, har gau so
That plate of g cheong fun is gone
Here I sit, happy as bird

Let the steamer hum on
Dim sum constipation never hurt anyone

- by TC Lai (another parody song inspired by an SBM post)

A Different Fly

A fly once had a miserable life
A life that was by no means different
It did all the things that flies do
Which was mostly hanging by the dumps

"Dad, do you really like this place?"
Asked the youngster fly
"Yes, of course, son,"
Nodded dad, not really wondering why

Son-fly turned up his nose
Couldn't stand the taste nor smell
"Dad, I am leaving here.
"I'll find a better place than this obnoxious hell

So son-fly flew up and onwards
Letting the wind of grass guide him
That took a while, for rubbish was everywhere
While the sight of grass was slim

When he landed at a stop
A well primmed lady sat with a hat
A hat with pinned-on flowers
A free ride for which the fly was glad

On she wandered for high tea
To the local hotel and buffet hall
Such a spread of goodies the fly had 
Never, ever seen or dreamt of before

His compound eyes grew large
His probocis flared in and out
Ooh, is this the nirvana
That flies see before lights out?

"Fly, fly to the American Pie
So damn delicious I die-die must try
Them good ole boys drink longkang jui and sai
Dang, I am hanging about here till I die
This is the day that I will die..."

And so the son-fly hummed 
As the speaker played
To that classic American anthem
Of whiskey in rye and good ole American hay

Then off he flew to the American Pie
By the sugared drinks and goods baked
Till he spied something yellow
Hmm, is that some kind of rice cake?

He settled down on the sushi bar
On a piece of sushi omelette
Ooh, cooked food and so fresh
For once no need to hide his gourmet side

Such yellow on white
Like the yolk on egg one time he found
Like the sun awaking in the morning
Something his pals never found profound

So this special fly knelt and said a little prayer
Dear Lord, thank you thank you for this trip
You have made me different
But I know now it is not a wasted trait

As the son-fly waxed lyrical of the sushi knob
A lady too was gawking at the pleasant sight
Till later she saw the son-fly on the dish
She quickly posted on FB and indicated the slight

"Would you do anything if you spotted
 A housefly rested on the sushi?"
Some said to call for the waiter
While others thought eat with the fly lor, silly

That is quite the thought
As I've found gourmands pleasant company
But not for once have I entertained
Eating one just for posterity

And I never knew what happened to Son-fly
But I doubt it survived long
I just hope it made the journey though
To that American Pie mentioned in the song

- by TC Lai *longkang jui and sai - drain water and poop/rubbish (Hokkien).