I once had a fight with an octopus
Which was rather ridiculous
He kept calling me names
that were all rather insane
"You blur like sotong!
Your mother was a whale!
Your father slept with a clam!
Your sister redlights in the kale!"
What the - F - are you on about?
Towards him I did shout
You are just a freaking fish
Destined for a restaurant dish
"I may have been taken
But I am not shaken
I'll poke anybody in the eye
I'll fight even if I have to die"
Well, sooner or later
You'll end up in some batter
So it's a foregone conclusion
That you've been tagged for consumption
The octopus he then stood
All eight legs like a fancy stool
A plump cushion he did seem
Actually I felt like hugging him!
Till his expletives began again
This time cursing my dinner gang
"You... you... buggers all!
Can't you just have fracking fish maw!!!"
A fren he felt indignant
Being rightly scolded by an octogen
"We have every right
To cook and BBQ you tonight!!!"
The octocuss he showed a sign
'Go frack yourselves if be so kind'
I think he just gave us The Finger
Although with him it was a Sucky Tentacle
Siao now, all hell did break loose
As tables turned, spilling lemon juice
The octoguy he couldn't run
Only waved his tentacles like playing drums
"Stand back, stand back"
Or I'll stab"
As he held up a knife and a fork
And also a calculator and a table clock
A funny sight it was
This octoswissknife making war
With whatever he could reach
Shouting profanities that would shrivel a kid
Even black ink was issuing forth
Making dark the table cloth
Everyone stood and laughed
Calling the octopus on his bluff
Hahaha, scared until lao jio!
They all said, and cheohed
It only made the octopus fume
His color rising in a purple plume
Kaninabehkudasai!
Japanese issuing forth from the octoguy
It was also his final cry
As he collapsed like a heart attack guy
Octopuses, some scientists say
Cannot get too excited in this way
Their hearts are small and delicate
They'll burst like a dam's broken gate
And so we did have our sushi that night
Tako sushi to be quite precise
But it tasted mighty odd
A whole lot bitter... like of the profane sort
No one was quite surprised
After all that octopus wasn't nice
We just hoped the puffer fish
Would behave like a proper dish!
- by TC Lai
*lao jiao - dialect for urinate
*cheohed - dialect for laughed
*Kaninabehkudasai - a part dialect swear word
A fly once had a miserable life
A life that was by no means different
It did all the things that flies do
Which was mostly hanging by the dumps
"Dad, do you really like this place?"
Asked the youngster fly
"Yes, of course, son,"
Nodded dad, not really wondering why
Son-fly turned up his nose
Couldn't stand the taste nor smell
"Dad, I am leaving here.
"I'll find a better place than this obnoxious hell
So son-fly flew up and onwards
Letting the wind of grass guide him
That took a while, for rubbish was everywhere
While the sight of grass was slim
When he landed at a stop
A well primmed lady sat with a hat
A hat with pinned-on flowers
A free ride for which the fly was glad
On she wandered for high tea
To the local hotel and buffet hall
Such a spread of goodies the fly had
Never, ever seen or dreamt of before
His compound eyes grew large
His probocis flared in and out
Ooh, is this the nirvana
That flies see before lights out?
"Fly, fly to the American Pie
So damn delicious I die-die must try
Them good ole boys drink longkang jui and sai
Dang, I am hanging about here till I die
This is the day that I will die..."
And so the son-fly hummed
As the speaker played
To that classic American anthem
Of whiskey in rye and good ole American hay
Then off he flew to the American Pie
By the sugared drinks and goods baked
Till he spied something yellow
Hmm, is that some kind of rice cake?
He settled down on the sushi bar
On a piece of sushi omelette
Ooh, cooked food and so fresh
For once no need to hide his gourmet side
Such yellow on white
Like the yolk on egg one time he found
Like the sun awaking in the morning
Something his pals never found profound
So this special fly knelt and said a little prayer
Dear Lord, thank you thank you for this trip
You have made me different
But I know now it is not a wasted trait
As the son-fly waxed lyrical of the sushi knob
A lady too was gawking at the pleasant sight
Till later she saw the son-fly on the dish
She quickly posted on FB and indicated the slight
"Would you do anything if you spotted
A housefly rested on the sushi?"
Some said to call for the waiter
While others thought eat with the fly lor, silly
That is quite the thought
As I've found gourmands pleasant company
But not for once have I entertained
Eating one just for posterity
And I never knew what happened to Son-fly
But I doubt it survived long
I just hope it made the journey though
To that American Pie mentioned in the song
- by TC Lai *longkang jui and sai - drain water and poop/rubbish (Hokkien).
