A Seafood Fight

I once had a fight with an octopus
Which was rather ridiculous
He kept calling me names
that were all rather insane

"You blur like sotong!
Your mother was a whale!
Your father slept with a clam!
Your sister redlights in the kale!"

What the - F - are you on about?
Towards him I did shout
You are just a freaking fish
Destined for a restaurant dish

"I may have been taken
But I am not shaken
I'll poke anybody in the eye
I'll fight even if I have to die"

Well, sooner or later
You'll end up in some batter
So it's a foregone conclusion
That you've been tagged for consumption

The octopus he then stood
All eight legs like a fancy stool
A plump cushion he did seem
Actually I felt like hugging him!

Till his expletives began again
This time cursing my dinner gang
"You... you... buggers all!
Can't you just have fracking fish maw!!!"

A fren he felt indignant
Being rightly scolded by an octogen
"We have every right
To cook and BBQ you tonight!!!"

The octocuss he showed a sign
'Go frack yourselves if be so kind'
I think he just gave us The Finger
Although with him it was a Sucky Tentacle

Siao now, all hell did break loose
As tables turned, spilling lemon juice
The octoguy he couldn't run
Only waved his tentacles like playing drums

"Stand back, stand back"
Or I'll stab"
As he held up a knife and a fork
And also a calculator and a table clock

A funny sight it was
This octoswissknife making war
With whatever he could reach 
Shouting profanities that would shrivel a kid

Even black ink was issuing forth
Making dark the table cloth
Everyone stood and laughed
Calling the octopus on his bluff

Hahaha, scared until lao jio!
They all said, and cheohed
It only made the octopus fume
His color rising in a purple plume

Kaninabehkudasai!
Japanese issuing forth from the octoguy
It was also his final cry
As he collapsed like a heart attack guy

Octopuses, some scientists say
Cannot get too excited in this way
Their hearts are small and delicate
They'll burst like a dam's broken gate

And so we did have our sushi that night
Tako sushi to be quite precise
But it tasted mighty odd
A whole lot bitter... like of the profane sort

No one was quite surprised
After all that octopus wasn't nice
We just hoped the puffer fish
Would behave like a proper dish!

- by TC Lai

*lao jiao - dialect for urinate
*cheohed - dialect for laughed
*Kaninabehkudasai - a part dialect swear word