In Love with a Married Woman

In Love With A Married Woman
- by TC Lai, 11 Feb 2020

I am in love with a married woman
The way she walks the way talks
Even the way she holds her fork and spoon
Are the little things I liked of a girl long ago

You will never tire thinking back
Of how you had wanted to say hi
If she would hold your hand
Or maybe dance that dance you had in mind

The big question
The big occasion
The honeymoon

I look at this married woman and feel
All those memories
And the ones only together with kids can make
And wonder earnestly if she feels the same

I wonder too of the work I need to do
To covet what that is not mine
If I need to run her husband over with a car
Or just accost him in a dark alley

To get him to give up what is obviously
A lost cause for him
For that married woman has given me a smile
That she might climb onto this adventure

I am dreaming of and am punctuating
With lovely imagery
For the years ahead are still pretty long

Then I get smacked on the head
"Eh buddy, why are you staring at her so long?
She's your wife, ain't she?"

"No lah, just thinking of an old song," I lied,
Embarrassed, but somewhat true

Some married women are best left alone
But there's only one I'd rather keep by my side
Always.

The end

(Note: A different take on the usual Valentines Day poem. :-))

Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)

Vulnerable Woman
(lit Easily Get Hurt Woman)

Link: Click here for video

Vulnerable Woman (aka Melania's Lament)

- translated by TC Lai 11 Sept 2019 (a sing-along)

OMG, my husband he's a bum

He can never ever do his sums

Run his business just like a Trump

Sooner or later we have to run

And don't talk to me about his sons

They are not twins but equally dumb

Love to chew and swallow their bubble gum

So they could fart and have some fun

They then very slowly 

Blow them out their bums

"Mom! Dad! Come quick see what we have done

But you, but you

Oh my dear sons

Will be lifted nearer towards the sun

I think my job 

As parent is over

Kids are gone and burned up by the sun

No need to wait

Eh, got my facial already booked at eight...

Now the fun has just begun

On how to get rid of that overgrown bum

Who's now staring intently at the sun

Oh why did I marry that sonofagun

<repeat>

Hold a pillow and shoot him with a gun

Or put rat poison in his fave Mac bun

Or drop him dead with a killer pun

Oh yeah, he'll miss it he's that dumb

I think my job

As wife is over

The love's gone and not a single crumb

Shud I call a lawyer and wait

Or just slam a toaster on his head

Once there was love

Or was it clothes, the business jets?

Or the jetset parties and Hollywood press

But he, but he

Promised me much 

All a sham, finances on a crutch

A suspect I shouldn't become

Maybe the NRA has ideas and then some

Invite Dick Cheney over with a gun

My hubby might get some buckshot in his bum

Damn that Putin is handsome

And a bachelor with a big big mansion

Should I ask him do to a KGB run

To make me his wife Russia's No.1

<Repeat>

La la la dee dum, oh just give me that goddamn gun....

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream

Link: Click here.

Do Not Wish To Decorate Your Dream (不裝飾你的夢)
(Classic HK 1970s Cantonese song)

I rather heart-pain than decorate your dream
Than you flip my heart like gymnast on a beam
Rather I Trump-sad-face crawl back to my sins
Like a fart thinning out with the wind

Don't you break my heart, break like iPhone screen
Like shattered ice, bits reflecting everything.
Hot passion naivety long ago became pain
Only got what-what questions that remain

Who's Yun Yee, that fire in my loins!
Who's Yun Yee, wah lun, me sibeh gong!
Rather my heart long calendar non-stop pain
Than let you turn it into a stretchy panty game!

Each and every sigh
Goes into your cleavage dream
Each and every coy laughter
Echoes loud in your fat lip dream
But the love I had for you once
Has become failed plastic surgery in the bin

- the end (translated by TC Lai)

Harm Sar Lei 咸沙梨

Here's a ditty from a Singapore 60s singer, Seung Kuan Lau Yun (Cantonese). Back then funny ditties set to popular 60s pop (and rock & roll) were quite the rage in HK. They also made an impact in Singapore and Malaysia. Title Harm Sai Lei, nickname of the character in the song and was actually derived from a fruit delicacy from Guangdong - Chinese pear sprinkled with a salty-sour pumice, quite like guava slices sold at today's pasar malam. This song is nostalgic as it speaks of Singapore's original satay stretch that was located along Beach Road, outside on the pavement of the St' John's Ambulance HQ. It later moved to The Esplanade (aka Queen Elizabeth Walk) as Satay Club, and then to Lao Pa Sat. Now part of it is also at The Esplanade's Makansutra Gluttons Bay. (One time was also temporary revived in Sembawang (next to SSC) as Satay Club years back).

This ditty was part of a three-song 45rpm vinyl, the cover of which is shown below. It shows the demolished National Theatre front. It also housed the popular Van Cleef Aquarium. Fort Canning.

The three-song vinyl link is here. The song begins at 4:49
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDGKj98V0w

The solo song is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7BIKpS2b5M&fbclid

Translated lyrics (by TC Lai):

My nickname is Harm Sar Lei
Three meals no diff - always with just lo-mei (stewed street food)
This year I'm 44
Still single and without a matrimonial home
One night went out to Beach Road
Was thinking of having satay
Coincidentally at the next table was a modern (stylish) and pretty girl
The more I looked, the more she resembled my decades-ago old flame
Her name was Ou-yang Molly
Speaking of Molly, she and I had a history
She was staying at one end of the street, I - the other
At times we went on dates (paktor), other times
We went to the movies
Our passion was hot, like over 100-plus degrees!
It was really fun and exciting and we cared for little else
But as the saying goes, Sorrow comes after Happiness
When you think about, it's logical
Not long after, the Japanese furiously bombed us
One day bomb here, another day bomb there
I heard a bomb fell right on Molly's house
No one knew if she was alive or dead
Now it's already over 20 years ago
Anybody would have gotten over it
But I don't know why I sooo liked her
See other women I don't want to pursue
Not Molly I don't want to marry
So when I saw Molly there (at the next table)
I rushed over and hugged her
Wanted to pine about our long-lost love
Kiss her all over and leave lovelorn tears
Suddenly out rushed some big-sized dudes
Without a word, knocked me to the ground
Some wanted to break my bones
Some wanted to skin me alive
Even if it's just a case of mis-identity
They shouldn't beat me up till so jialat
But as they say, Good deeds seldom heard
Bad deeds spread like wild fire
Word got to my lousy manager
He said I was a samseng-in-gentleman-clothing
And promptly fired me on the spot
You say lah, do I deserve that?
Do I deserve that?

- translated by TC Lai

咸沙梨 - harm sar lei - a smallish, brown skin Chinese pear with gritty but juicy flesh. Pumiced with a salt and sour plum sprinkle, hence 咸沙梨 or harm sar lei (Cantonese).

Three Dreams

Zhang Xiao Ying - Singapore's original Queen of Ballads

- Translation: (Lyrics are a bit unusual! *wink)

Three Dreams

The first dream
You try to get into my panty
But I was wearing pants
Your hand got stuck in the zipper
All the hair came off your hand

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore a bikini the very next day
But you were far far away

Anyhoo I took a selfie of my cooch
And think to whatsapp it your way
But instead I sent it to my father
Who said COME HOME RIGHT AWAY

The second dream
You try to get into my suitcase
We had planned a honeymoon
You were a cheap bastard
Paid for one ticket and a cheap motel room

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I wore the ring again next day
But you were drunk outside the doorway

Anyhoo I wrote a short brief letter
But no paper I could find
Instead I used a tampon and lipstick
And pasted 'BASTARD' up your behind

The third dream
You try to get into my coffin
Seeing I was lying in missionary
Can't you see I'm already dead?
To you even that is secondary

I try to forget you
But the excitement drew me back in
So I left my grave the very next day
But you went and banged Mary from Amway

Anyhoo I left you a mudtrail
That leads to the backyard shed
There I sit with pail and shears
To make you bleed when you next get head

三个梦

第一个梦里
你像抹朝霞
可爱又迷人
飘渺又婆娑
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
万里迢迢关山难
我想忘却你未语悲先发
醒来时不禁泪满腮
泣无声空惆怅
第二个梦里
你像茉莉花
馥香又秀丽
清逸又多娇
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
蜂喧蝶舞闹嚷嚷
我想忘却你未语泪双双
醒来时不禁五更寒
肠欲断心彷徨
第三个梦里
你像轮明月
光彩又无私
晶莹又圣洁
我想追寻你
追寻来作伴
天长路远魂飞苦
我想忘却你未语梦惊醒
愿上苍断梦能再续
莫令人催心肝

Autumn Come, Autumn Go

Here's another classic Cantonese song with attempted translation (haha).

Cao Loy Ya Cao Hue (Autumn Come, Autumn Go, Cantonese)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt-DqvMIToc

Translation:

Autumn Come, Autumn Go

Hung hung long long Yip's dick outside my window
Flapping in the wind giving me the chills
The quiet amplify this unholy wait
Drip drip drip later into my uneasy dreamscape

At times it's Leong's scrotum
At times it is Ah Choon's scrotum
Still the dicks swing like windchimes
outside my window

Lay folks ask me why I wait
How I can long for just one dick
I say that's how you surely make
A long distance relationship stick
You cannot just flip a prata
And tuckaway at a naan with sriracha

And when those dicks make you pine
For that other continent swine
You pinch your arm to make yourself numb
The thought of you feeling so dumb
But we women are like that
Part our knees and our hearts are trapped

Chorus
Chow Loy he would come, Chow Loy he would go
(Is that his name? I forget)
Chow Loy he make my tears involuntarily flow
Chow Loy he might come, Chow Loy he might go
Chow Loy will he again make an empty show?
Chow Loy he didn't come, Chow Loy he didn't go
Chow Loy make me read his texts like a widow
Chow Loy shud he stay, or shud he go
Chow Loy sent me a dick-pic and I'm all aglow!


秋来也秋去
- sung by Sally Yeh

红红黄黄叶儿伴我窗
飘他方的你可有着凉
静问为何是你使我等待
怎么要千滴热泪滴进我梦乡
又是凉的秋　愁无尽的秋
知否当你远去后
牵挂到倦透
旁人常问何事要等
怎么可一世不爱别人
自问若忘掉你　都算应份
可惜每当叶落便念你更深
背着人心酸　人如愿相恋
推挡当世界再没秋季再算
秋来也秋去
秋风教人掉眼泪
何时才跟你可重聚
秋来也秋去
要到几多岁
方信你与我早早告吹
秋来也秋去
千千片红叶跌坠
如完成凄美的程序
秋来也秋去　我似秋空虚
只有信会跟你再共对
旁人常问何事要等
自问若忘掉你　都算应份
背着人心酸　人如愿相恋
秋来也秋去
何时才跟你可重聚
秋来也秋去
要到几多岁
方信你与我早早告吹
千千片红叶跌坠
如完成凄美的程序
秋来也秋去　我似秋空虚
只有信会跟你再共对
秋来也秋去　我似秋空虚

Row Boat Cop

RowBoatCop

Row row row my boat
Gently down the stream
Verily verily verily
Life is not what I've dreamed

Row row row my boat
I seemed to have another life
Seemingly seemingly seemingly
I had a kid and a wife

Row row row my boat
I also seemed to have a badassed gun
Boomingly boomingly boomingly
It shot up bad guys nicely on the run

Row row row my boat
My bottom's welded to the deck
Chillingly chillingly chillingly
My bionic dick is always cold and wet

Row row row my boat
Here's the unpleasant thing
Rustily rustily rustily
The salt water's getting into my seams

Row...Row...Row my boat
Oh I'm stiffening mightily
Miserably miserably miserably
I'm left stuck with no WD40

Sit sit sit in my boat
All sunbeat and weather toiled
Bobbingly bobbingly bobbingly
I've become an expensive ocean buoy

- by TC Lai, 24th Dec 2018

A poem written in response to that funny image posted to Science Fiction Singapore FB group. 

Friend, Why So Stubborn?

[Sung to The Sound of Silence]

Hello Ho Ching my old friend
I see you're in the limelight once again
Wearing those same old blouse and pants
Dignitaries must wonder about your fashion sense
And it's a vision that's been badly seared in my brain
It still remains
Why, my dear girl, are you so stubborn?

In fashion halls you walk alone
Critics quietly throw a sartorial stone
Cause you are the PM's wife
They cannot criticise with this fake news vibe
To say how they feel and why you must see the light
With the fashion elite
But my friend, you are stubborn

Probably in the naked light you saw
One ah soh thick at waist and more
So a blouse and pants is best option
No need slim figure for a svelte cheongsam
But you know you at times look like an auntie on a sunday stroll
They look better, I am told
So please, don't be so stubborn

I know it's not tattered nor knitted poor
With slippers made by a MINDS affiliated girl
But you must know we've seen it all before
At dinners ONE, TWO, THREE and FOUR
So can you please mix it up so we need not heave nor throw up
At your sartorial sense
When your salary, can buy you a few Mercedes Benzes

You know it is quite insane
To be out always in same garment plan
What if a waitress wears the same exact garb
You gotta run and hide under a tarp
To avoid the shame you need to think more than just a little bit
Not dress like a robotic twit
So, my friend, why are you so stubborn?

Do you see me wear the same old clothes
At work, conferences or meeting my blokes
There's a time for every choice
A suitable design par for any course
So don't tell me Singapore fashion is such an utter bore
We have MOMA fashions galore
But my friend, you are stubborn

- by TC Lai

Note: Apparently the clutch bag she's holding in the pix is made by an autistic child from a Pathlight school. It is a great thing to do, but why not make it a gift to the other First Ladies?

I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I Bought A Secondhand Diary

I bought a secondhand diary
Because I was just too fuck lazy
To pen down thoughts for the day

What the rain might mean
Running down the window pane
Or wilted leaves dancing in the wind

I bought a secondhand diary
Thinking to be somebody else
Who had lived a life quite extraordinary

A mountaineer who scaled The Seven Peaks
Or a diver who lunged the darkest deeps
Or a prostitute who gave out Veteran Day freebies

Oh, what stories she might tell
Of men who braved bullets in a Man-made hell
Of men who cum and weep and open-eye sleep

I bought a secondhand diary
Wondering who had held the pen
Was it a man or woman or gender-bend?

Wooing a pretty wife or handsome man
Deciding if, indeed, you were born to bend
Forever keeping closet secrets from family & friends

I bought a secondhand diary
It came with a pretty bookmark
Did that person's life ended or upended hence?

To that page I turned
And was greeted by a script
So elegant and poised, and dignity-filled

"I too had bought a secondhand diary
And compared it to my new blank one
I had not a wit, how to write one sweet

"Haphazard was the old, and bunchy
Stuffed with notes and pictures aplenty
Scribbled over lines and margins... as if life on-demand

"It was a fascinating collage
For which my life can never be
Getting messy, crazy and rules-bound free?

"I soon wrote into my new expectant diary
And decided to live my life... A little free"

I did buy that secondhand diary
And bought a new one too
Hoping someday I might give someone pause

That living the lie of a life
Might be pretty quick and easy
Impresses no one but the reader he

But I look at my new diary
With its blank pages beckoning me
Do I still have a life to script and explore?

Though my hair is white
And my nails thick and hard
And veins a little too blue and angry

I need, I need, to forge ahead
To leave this world a thing
Even if it is a half-written diary!

For a reader to continue the journey
Especially one who's thinking...

Of buying a secondhand diary

- TC Lai

Crying Sand - 哭砂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4YkHQrPt2I

Crying Sand
- Translated by TC Lai

You are my most miserable lan-sai
Make me both happy and scared of tomolo
You said you must be free like stardust
Sometimes get naughty and make me boo-hoo

Rather see me cry-cry
Than boss my "bye-bye"
Really you are more like bak sai
Than stardust in my eyes

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What's so freaking great about the ocean
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really really, you must give it a try!"

Aledy hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

Chorus:
Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my teary eyes
Heng ah, I'm Ubering on this highway so I won't die!

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my achy heart
At least can clean out those clotty, fatty plaques

Wind blow come the sand
Gets lodged in my foggy mind
Rubbing like sandpaper, an Alzheimer-ridding enzyme

Wind blow come the sand
Oh, how it makes me cry
See, it's been hinted this relationship will never ever fly

You are my most miserable indecision
Giving up the sea is like asking you to die
What so freaking great about the ocean?
"Can eat, can bathe, can shit...
Really, really you must give it a try!"

Already hard to come see me
Yet you are always ready to leave me
A handful of sand drop between my fingers
Do I now have to masturbate to be free?

<Repeat chorus>

We Are Singapore 2018

We Are Singapore (2018 version of the 1987 one)

(or Ngoh Dei Ng Sor  (Cantonese)// We Not Dumb/Stupid)

There was a time when people said
that Singaporeans are smart, and we believed it

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

Singapore our homeland, this is where we belong
All of us united, to deny those Ah Longs
Who have used this bikeshare, so they could then launder
Millions of unmarked dollars, back to gangs in Hong Kong

There was a time when the place was sui-sui and
awesome-neat, super slick

We allowed bike-share, many and cheap
Let people leave their bikes everywhere
On the streets and up the trees

Chorus:
This is my country, this is my street
This is my future, it's making me sick
This is my family, these are my friends
Tripped by yellow bikes, saboed by dollar rents

(Read)
We the citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves to not be stupid people
Regardless of fitness or entrepreneurship
To not perpetuate the same indignity
Based on consideration and common sense
So as to achieve orderliness,
natural beauty and no eyesore to our nation

(Repeat chorus)

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I Bought a Secondhand Orphanage

I bought a secondhand orphanage
You know, with secondhand orphans
The ones that will wring you with pity
Coz they were leftover butt uglies

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now thinking what I should do
Should I start a clothing factory
Or one that makes branded sporting shoes

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it belonged to an Asian large family
But when sister no look like brother
I knew I was suckered into something funny

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Thinking it was property fantastic
A two-storey building and garden of trees
Fruiting oranges that turned out to be plastic

I bought a secondhand orphanage
The pics of which sure looked nice
It was probably taken well before
The war took the kids parents' lives

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where things are not what they seem
The bedrooms have no beds
And the kitchen has no sink

I bought a secondhand orphanage
With no secondhand matron
She had run off with the caretaker
With promise of a Cebu Island tan

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Full of faces that have never cried
Happily they all crowd round me
Happily they too pick my pockets dry

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Now missing a wallet and passport
But damn am I not having fun
Chasing kids turning crime into sport

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Where we now sit and pant
Butt ugly faces with sweat and dirt
Knowing that I am their only saint

I bought a secondhand orphanage
Plainly now given a second chance
To turn these butt ugly faces
With brains that will someday charm

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That I turned into a firsthand school
Teaching hacking skills to seven year olds
By ten they turn health offical faces blue

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That carries out first-rate hacking jobs
No one is quite safe from us
Behind Anonymous is how we rob

I bought a secondhand orphanage
In a country that was once pretty rural
But the kids fancied themselves Robin Hood
Robbing the rich to give to the poor

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That is now considered Shangri-La
It sits next to a cloud
A center of cloud that is full of data

I bought a secondhand orphanage
That now trades in secondhand info
Data culled by seondhand orphans
Now coldcalling Prime Minister So-&-So

Buy back your data or the info will be sold

I bought a secondhand orphanage, yo

- by TC Lai

One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault - 一个人的寂寞两个人的错

Click for Youtube video:

Here's the somewhat literal translation of this once popular song. ;-)

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
One-Person Loneliness Two-Person Fault

说好了一起走
风雨相伴不回头
爱你我愿意去等候
那怕再过几年秋

Say aledy we together go
Wind rain come we will not siam
Think of your big dick so I wait
Wait until CB drop you're never at gate

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love I alone fight
Discarding caution suspecting scam in sight
Thot love will last like day long earth old
One GE gone and you still no show

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Love another and me you conveniently forgot?
Is it backside itchy or lanjiao jio?
Alas, why I scratch and get hooked!

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
分手虽然是我先来说
又耐何躲的过心痛的折磨
这么多年生活改变却依然难过

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Break-up I say first but you never nod
Now I  kaobeh kaobu each night to cucumber
Tried a volleyball but better with vegetable

为爱情孤军奋斗
抛开世俗的信守
相信真爱天长地久
到最后却一无所有

Your love alone I fight
Macham like Speaker's Corner shouting my rights
Thot love last long long like ABBA song
What All Is Said And Done, you're gone

一个人的寂寞两个人的错
爱她为何还要选择我
注定没结果还许下的承诺
让我深深陷入感情漩涡

Someone litter whole block fault
Step outside kenna hit by chopping block
Kaneenabeh see-liao boh nang zai
Close door cry-cry over kopi-O sui dai

<Bonus lyrics>

Stupid me sompah(x2) love forever
Like govt say give back CPF if ever
Got meh? Hiaz, day long earth old
All I get is the emptiness of one big hole

One-person loneliness Internet fault
I hope Interpol find and have you caught
Put back the thousands I TT-ed over
For a dumb locket with a four-leaf clover

One-person loneliness Alzheimers fault
Potting plants, walking dogs
Or did I just walk the plant, potted the dog?
Do me a favour give me an euthansia shot

*Suck (softly)

I mean, Fuck! (surely)

One-person loneliness two-person fault
Kaneenabeh don't let me catch that bloody sod... (fade)

====

Your Perfume is Poison - 香水有毒

Youtube video

Your Perfume is Poison

- 香水有毒

- sung by Hu Yang-Lin
- translated *parody lyrics by TC Lai


Your perfume is poison
Make my tits hard for no reason
Make me cream way down south
And desirous of something in my mouth

Your perfume is poison
Chasing bedbugs onto my pillow
I dream of you as I stupidly scratch
Waking up later to a big bald patch

Your perfume is poison
Lingering over where you've been
And I know you have sinned
Judging by tissues you leave by the sink

Your perfume is poison
Making our neighour dog bark
Getting her all bothered and in heat
And it's not just the four-legged bitch

Your perfume is poison
It has oh--so tainted my nose
I can't even smell my own fart
Can only tell when folks edge apart

Your perfume is poison
No need to get me at "hello"
You got me at first whiff (and sniff)
And now I'm like mourner attached to grief

Your perfume is poison
How am I supposed to let go?
Like totally kenna led by the nose
A morning zombie to coffee and toast

Your perfume is poison
Is there no antidote?
Am I forever tagged your slave
Like that simi Anatehsai gohchap shades

Your perfume is poison
Don't think I will know any better
Take me, take me please
And put me out of my writhing misery

Your perfume is poison
Now my brother wants to know
"Sis, never see you like this before,"
"Can he buy me some from whatever store?"

Your perfume is poison
Is what I tell my brother
It will make even grandmas stalk you
And bak-chew tak star with superglue

Your perfume is poison
The only way to get out is to leave
Buy a one-way ticket to Timbuktu
Find work in some smelly safari zoo

Your perfume is poison
Working thru quantum entanglement
Crossing space-time and orbital ground
You feeling very up, I feeling very down

Your perfume is poison
The only hope is that you drown
In a vat full of wet concrete
And put away like Fukushima radioactive shit

Your perfume is poison
And I'm creaming once again.... (fade)

=======

Tsai Chin - A Lover's Tears (parody) - 情人的眼淚

The song:

Youtube video

Here's my lyric parody of Tsai Chin's Lover's Tears. Enjoy!

A Lover's Tears (Ironic)
- 情人的眼淚 
- sung by Tsai Chin

- translated by TC Lai

My lover boy he took my eye
He took my eye
My lover boy he took my eye
He made me cry
And now I cry without my eye
Without my eye I cannot cry
My lover boy he took my eye
So glass eye now I must buy

My lover boy he took my sigh
He took my sigh
He took it whilst he was
Rubbing my thigh
I burp when I should sigh
My lover boy he took my sigh
Without a sigh
Heck, where's my sex life?

Oh, how cruel is he
Oh, how patient must I be
Should I lop off a ear
To be his dear?

Oh crap is this love
Is this love
Like Juliet poison Romeo
Or Ms Piggy hitting Kermit
Or Christian whipping
Anastasia "ka-chern-jio"

My lover boy he took my dye
He took my dye
The dye I use on my hair
So younger men would care
And so now I without an eye
And not so much a sigh
And without my dye
Young men would say bye bye

And me without a sigh
Young men do not want to try

And without a physical eye
I'm always buzzed by a fly

Buzzed by a fly....(fade)

- by TC Lai, 30th April 2018

The One Pan Wonder (Revisited)

One Pan To Rule Them All

- TC Lai retouched 2 May 2018
(original date of composition must be some years back!)

In the Land of Odour, 
where a mighty flatulence had soured 
Out came orcs and goblins from their lair
Into a better smelling place called the Shy-air

There lived the One Pan Bearer 
who now looked a lot sicker
He had consumed a can of doubtful beans 
His face a terrible sheen of pigeon-shit green

Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me, Dandruff the Dork!
Or Dork "the Sort" who is wise and all
A wizard who still fiddled under his overalls

"Say, I have here a library book
Tells of your One Pan Wonder and a Martha cook 
says it can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella, Cuisinart

"Ooh, Old Cui panned up something not quite swell
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even The Nine Wraiths gave up on the scent
I must admit I farted out quite the stench
But, oh well, let's go find that larder room
Whence once they forged the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway

"If we do not act LIKE NOW
Souron "the Foul Mouth chef" will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Send up oven flames from that biggen' hill

"And heat up this One Pan Wonder
A non-stick, ceramic-coated killer

"And sift and flap and he'll be a "ya-ya" king
All of us will become his spellbound underlings
And be served makan from his Kitchen's Hell
Until stomachs are upset, minds become swill

"And our desire for fab food bid bye-bye
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

"So quick, come with me on this journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods to Michelin Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called A'Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knife and removing feet corn

"See, he's walked a thousand miles hungrily
Touting Makansutra's new spiritual journey
So he could return to his Condo Land a wise king
Able to instruct his Pinoy maid exotic foodie things

"But not until tested he is with that evil rounded wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under its spell
That owning that One Pan will surely make food sell

"Did not the old songs sing?
That sumptuous meals take practice to wring
Every bit of taste and flavour
To take one's palate to a place of splendour!

"So Prodo, hurry up and pack
We from here must leave like thunder crack
And Pantwise Greedy we will bring
For he who is now outside the window listening

"Pantwise you fool! 
Words of the One Pan Wonder is not cool
Say you deny all that's been heard
That, that...old-style cooking is worth singeing a beard

"A roaring fire, an iron skillet
Is all a chef needs to muster up
What your grandmother fed your mother
And your mother is feeding you and your brother!

"Yes, yes, Dandruff the Dork
I swear I swear I'd never heard your crock
About that verily Ein-Pan-Wunder 
That seems to make meals so much easier

"I swear I'll stick to Prodo
Like an old iron skillet to sizzling bacon
And never leave his side
Just like Jack and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain

"Hey, hey Pantwise
Keep him in your pants if you must
As long as he is far far away
From Souron's Doom and Lust

And so with that and a thunder clap
Dandruff, Prodo and Pantwise left 
And of course they did bring along
Merrycock and Peepen so we could all...

Some day...

Turn their adventure into a One Pan Wonder song 

The end
(A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....Thanks to Matt Tan of SBM for reminding of this silly ditty done on a whim. ;-))

I Remember...

I am happy she is found
But finding doesn't mean meeting

I am terrible when profound
Saying things I don't really mean

I am seldom is the clown
Perhaps one day, I'll come around

I am cranky when down
So you better not hang around

I am here but not around
I much prefer to hang about town

I am senior and not sound
That is what they keep telling me

I am not yet in the ground
And still happy she is found

The end. By TC Lai

Pine Ning

I have a love
She is far away

I have a love
She burns yet very near

I have a love
I can't get to

I have a love
I can only warm inside

There is a love
That sits away

There is a love
I imagine every day

There is a love
But what will she say?

There is a love
And will she slip away?

Love is love
No matter where

Love is love
No one can say

Love is love
Coz I deem it so

Love is love
Coz you made me so

The end. - By TC Lai

Poem For An Old Love

To my darling:

When the love has grown old
And ardent kissing has stopped
What is there left to say?
When misshapened bodies in bed
Make spooning awkward
What is there left to say?
When a touch of the hair
Feels coarse and strange
What is there left to say?
When the starlight in our eyes
Has faded and dimmed
What is there left to say?
There's plenty I want to say
And I will say it with a hug
A hug that's long and silent
A hug that burns with the
warmth of my love unsaid.
For today and perhaps....
Till the next bad fart in bed.
- Much love (and advance apologies accepted!)

- by TC Lai

So This Is Christmas

(sung to the tune of So This Is Christmas)

And a so-so New Year Then when it gets better There's plenty to cheer It's already Christmas What have you done? Set up a half-assed tree With leaves aledy turning brown? Have a happy Christmas Be on your best show When toes are stepped on Rmbr, you've five more to go! A very merry Christmas Western food's a big deal From sweet honey-baked hams To cornish hens and oxtail tail stews Have a happy Christmas There's a new Force in town The war is not over And the old rebel gang is still around! And this is Christmas So drink up and sing Or stay plastered in a corner And snore till New Year rings

- by TC Lai