You broke my heart
When the light went out
Got a replacement bulb or not?
You got no heels
Yet you can't climb
You useless twat or what?
Light, light of my life
Why you so useless one
Can't change a light bulb to save your life
How can I depend on you to save your wife
You broke my heart
When the light went out
Groping me lustily in the dark
My dear my dear
Now I see the light
I love you for something tight
When we roll on the floor
In the darken hall
You make me scream in delight
For a confused while
I forget the light
And see stars, spangles and stripes
Light, light of my life
You actually not useless one
Can't change a light bulb to save your life
But sure can make me feel like a wanton wife
- TC Lai, first written for SBM.
Alt artwork:
(sung to the tune of A Whole New World)
I can show you my kitchen
Shining, shimmering, sibeh clean
Tell me sweet yau kui
Now when did you last let your
Stomach decide
I can open your taste buds
Bring you makan to makan
East Coast, West Coast
Or even Sembawang side
A whole world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us 'No'
Or 'Low cholesterol!'
Or say 'Why aren't you slimming?'
A whole new world
A zhichar place I never new
But when the food's up here
It's crystal clear
That I am now eating way
too much with beer
Now I am in a whole
New world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feelings
Steaming, blanching, deep frying
And powerful stir frying
A whole new world
(Don't you dare 'mai jiak')
A hundred flavors to savor
(Hold your wallet, I will pay)
I'm like a yau kui sia
I've come so far
But sibeh tu lan ah
Uncle stall never open one
(A whole new world)
Every spoonful a surprise
(With new FB posts to pursue)
Every sight, drip saliva sia
I'll chase a 'Like' everywhere
There's no time to spare
Let me share this whole
New world with you
A whole new world
(A whole new world)
That's where we'll be
(That's where we'll be)
Got no more crab
But prawn also good
For you and me
- by TC Lai (another poem inspired by a Singapura Best Makan post)
My office had a staff of 20
Now there's only five
When I complained to my boss
He said we have to "bao sua bao hai"
But but but...I protested
My plate is full!
"Then go toilet pang sai
Plate sure can take a few!"
My boss thinks he is witty
But he is actually miserly
When I am on the phone long
He'll ask if "local or IDD?"
Die lah, like this how to work?
Got brain no hands no leg
Got idea also think twice
Cook chicken gotta lay own egg
Boss says boh pian liao
When the young don't even try
Work got stress only
They tweet and say bye bye
The FTs are no better
Taichi masters in disguise
Give instruction take one year
Pretend cannot understand us guys
So Boss says work hard and smart
Or else I surely will be replaced
By a robot fella with quad-core brain
All arms, legs... but no face
They now drive our trains
Fry our Chinese fried rice
What else more in the future?
Hmm, can't be very nice
So while I am still able
I will show I can juggle ball
In this new environment
One must 'One Leg Kick All'
We must bao sua bao hai
We must one leg kick all
It's the new productivity paradigm
encouraged by gahmen some more
Who ask us to complain complain
Of too many FTs in our midst
Now gahmen limit their quota
We have to clear our own sh**
Hiaz, work work till sick
Got MC also cannot take
Might as well auction off
Some money I can make
My baby son I hardly see
From early dawn to late night
Will I die in this cubicle
His baby photo my only pride?
Oh no, department meeting soon
Where are the last meeting minutes?
Oh yes, I have to write those
Photocopy as well as other deeds
Hmm, one leg kick all
It is making me lose weight
So this regime is not bad after all
Shedding all that stuff I sinfully ate
Bao sua bao hai
SBM now my only joy
Coz stuck in my cubicle
That's the real food I can enjoy
Oh, star moon sun
You are now a tube of light
My bed is the office couch
The vending machine my food bribe
Oh dear oh dear
Meeting time is due
Who is that chairing the meeting?
Oh, it's our new tea lady Ah Kew
Bao sua bao hai
One leg kick all
Bao sua bao hai
One leg kick all...
- by TC Lai (Note: "Bao sua bao hai" is Hokkien for take hill take sea, i.e. everything also your responsibility.)
The man sees the hand-holding
And wonders the degree of love
He sees the locking of lips
Are they really two lovey dovey doves?
He sees them pause
And look into each other's eyes
He sees them touch heads
And he wonders why
He then sees the tears flow
And he is alarmed
He sees the imminent parting
And he wonders of distant times
What has passed
That caused the couple so
What has happened
That caused this scenario
But alas the hands reach out
Drawing again the two near
As cheek touched cheek
Tears from Dear to Dear
Dear, he seemed to say
Dear, she seemed to whisper
Us, is that the desire?
Or I, a couple going singular
The man he watches
And he is enthralled
The man he surmises
Going through his daily ritual
The couple soon walk away
Hand in hand as leaves fall
The couple has decided
To stay together after all
- by TC Lai
They have different names
but both are cousins
One in Sing, one in Malaysia
Hailed from an Indian province?
They liked rubbing sugar
All over their bods
And each bathed rather different
Dipping in a different sauce
They flatten out rather nicely
hugging stuff to keep
An egg, a banana, a sausage
And even single-slice cheese
So even if one cousin
Is Prata
And the other Canai
Hey, no hoo-hah
We all like our roti cuz
No matter the hour
No matter the ghee also
Only begging to savour
The same fabric of flour
flattened and smashed
And flipped like a casino coin
Itself resembling cash
Canai dollar, prata coin
Call them what you will
As long as tasty
And not too small, like a pill
- by TC Lai
I loved a girl
Who offered me much
First a raisin
Then a fleshy nut
I wondered why
She was being nice
And then she
Offered me something spiced
Ooh, I cooed
Is this going far?
She then interrupted
And gave wine from a jar
Oh man, I said
Inside my head and tipsy
This girl is doubly
Intoxicatingly lovely
Chew on this
She commanded and grinned
Hmm, is it a lemon peel
Or could it be an orange rind?
She then dangled
A shiny, brandied cherry
All I could do
Was become a helpless puppy
Into this mix
She threw in more nuts
Oh my oh my
I'm dazed, I'm lovestruck
Of course of course
That was not the end
She had to unwrap
A buttered slice with a crispy end
Steeped in molasses
Steeped in wine
Steeped in everything
Gone before that was oh, so divine
And hence from this one night
Into memories it did bake
All that I love to savour
And found inside a rich fruitcake
- by TC Lai
The last Monday of January
Is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
The thing with bubble wrap is
There is not need for imagined play
Just pop pop pop
To your hearts content
Like a cat with yarn
No need to pretend
There's no explaining why
We bubble-pop happily so
Grinning like little kids
Who will never grow old
So before the day is out
Grab a piece of BBwrap
Pop out a few
or else you'll regret
That on Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
You missed the chance
To behave like a 4-yr old
Popping the pop and fairying a happy dance!
- by TC Lai (just for a lark, heheh)
2014 Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 27th January
Bubble Wrap Game (in case you cannot find any): Click here
