The Desolation of Smog

(A food inspired tale. :-D )

Along came Towkay Brokenjeem
Looking a little worn in his torn dwarf jeans
Behind him his ragged clan and kin
Hoping Brokenjeem will mend their broken dream

They were descendants of a once proud race
Who cooked Laketown fish with assam paste
But since that stupid dragon invaded their abode
They had nothing great but sundried toad

Deep in the larder of their fortress lay 
Secrets of taste that sing and interplay
Gems of dining halls and giant plates
No present-day chef can recreate

No present-day chef can recreate
(The dwarf underlings echo thus)

And so Dandruff in a fit of hairy snow
Planned a journey they would all follow
"Dang, I haven't had a great sandwich
Since that Cuisinart fella made the switch
Instead of pure grain bread
That bugger used one with gluten instead
And so my runs had continued to this day
Ruining my magic with girls in the barnyard hay

"But these dwarf fellas seem to agree
Upon my great intuition as to pedigree
That this one Brillo Bagatausarbing
Can steal back their precious larder things"

Yes, to steal back our precious larder things
(Again the dwarf underlings echo)

Towkay Brokenjeem was a shifty crab
Didn't believe Brillo could handle a stealthy grab
"He's such a prim little Hobbit boy
Couldn't swing an axe even if it's a toy!"

But Dandruff would hear none of it
The hobbit's great with his cakes and eats
He didn't see the dwarves make a great sandwich
"I'll be damned if I'm going to survive on just toady treats!"

"But... but... that dragon Smog is a nasty one
Breathing out foul air that blocks even the sun
He's keen of sight and great at scent
"He'll pick out Brillo quicker than a count to ten!"

Yo, pick out Brillo quicker than a count to ten!
(The dwarf underlings suddenly breaking into Harlem rap)

For that stupid dragon Superslime
Is as violent as he is sublime
Make him madder than Geroge Bush in Iraq 
He'll Shock and Awe you into a sauerkraut 

Yo, he'll Shock and Awe you into a sauerkraut!
(The dwarf underlings do a Dougie swag)

The folks to suffer would be Laketown
Who is famed for their fish and wedding gowns
They are a folk who can match a bream and seam
A soonhock at the wedding, now you see the theme?

And so Towkay Brokenjeem
Led his fellas across the Misty Mountain stream
Up the slopes to a secret hole
That recipes of old had foretold

"On a windless moonlit night 
By Mid-Autumn's lantern light
Eat a mooncake and pig in cage
There you'll find the secret message"

And so the dwarves sat outside the gate and ate
All kinds of mooncakes and tausar bakes
So stuffed they were that they moaned and groaned
Even the dragon could hear them through ancient stone

And so when Brillo finally entered into the fold
He was already found out and sold
The dragon he opened an eye
And then laughed till he could die

"You little hobbit had come to steal
But you are just a fly I could easily kill.
The dwarves themselves showed no guts
Yet you still want to help them retake their stuff?"

And so the dragon swept Brillo aside
And flew off to Laketown countryside
Brillo turned, his face all ashen and stunned
"Oh no Laketown, what have I done!!!"

- to be continued (as in the movie!)

*Towkay - dialect for boss
*Brokenjeem - 'jeem' is dialect for crab*assam paste - a kind of sour curry paste (good with fish)
*tausarbing - Mandarin for a kind of green bean pastry
*soonhock - an expensive bottom-feeding food fish
*pig in cage - a popular Chinese Mid-Autumn snack

===The poem below started it all, from my baked bean posting at SBM. ;-)===
In the Land of Odor, where flatulence scatter them 
Orcs and goblins from their lair
Into the Shire they went to seek
The One Pan bearer who looked sick
From a can of doubtful beans
His face now a sheen of green
Whence upon the door came a knock
"Hey Prodo, it's me Dandruff!" - the Dork!

"I have here a library book
Says your One Pan wonder is no crook
It can indeed summon the deadliest arts
Much better than that Isengard fella Cuisinart
Ooh, he slammed me a rotten sandwich 'other day
Gave me the runs from Bree to Rivendell

"Even the Nine Wraiths gave up the scent
I must admit it was quite the stench
But oh well, let's sit down and make room
Of how to melt down the One Pan at Mount Doom

"For things are finally afoot
Folks are hawking hosin sauce to chinchalok
Orcs and goblins robbing foodies along the way
I tell you, things are getting sibeh sway
If we don't act now
Sauron the Foul Mouth chef will scowl
And huff and puff he will
Blow up the fire under that big hill
And heat up the One Pan wonder
The non-stick, ceramic coated killer

"And sift and flap and ya-ya king
All of us will become his underlings
And be served makan from Kitchen's Hell
Until stomach upset, minds cannot tell
Our desire for great food will surely die
Gone to the Grey Havens like those Eldar guys

So quick, come with me on this epic journey
Across the clumpy Milkwoods but first to Bree
Where a stranger of a ranger called Ah Hawthorn
Is sharpening his knives and removing corn
He's walked a thousand miles you see
Like on some Makansutra spiritual journey
So he can return to his Condo a wise king
To instruct his Filippina maid about foodie things
But not till he has tested and rejected that round wonder
That One Pan non-stick that's nothing but trouble
For recipes are no good if you are under their spell
You ought to improvise and make it your sell


- by TC Lai (A story that grew very much in the telling! Haha....)