A Case of New

Virgin jokes, virgin smiles

Virgin hooker tries to coax my virgin pants down

Virgin recipes, virgin meals
Virgin cook caused my virgin tummy to not sit still

Virgin cork, virgin wine
Virgin bottle turned me into a virgin swine

Virgin looks, virgin frowns
Virgin artist color me up like a virgin clown

Virgin hems, virgin sews
Virgin dress me up like a shapeless throw

Virgin strums, virgin plucks

Virgin music an ukulele with not much luck 

Virgin smiles, virgin grins
Virgin suffers from a severe case of silly mygrin

Virgin winks, virgin knows
Virgin goes thru life like a virgin crow

And guess what? That's mighty virgin fine too!

*mygrin - opposite of migraine. To be struck with a silly grin all of a sudden, and one that takes a while to go away!

Dirty Dick

Dirty Dick digged and found a dict

Trying to understand his name

For what is a Dick when called a dick

Wouldn't you wonder the same?

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

And so digged did Dirty Dick into that dict

And found did, dill, dip, dish and dice

He then saw his name under faint moonlight

And realised its meaning wasn't quite so nice

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

Dirty Dick scratched his head 

Dirty Dick scratched his crawl

So that's why they had all laughed

That's why they had all bawled

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

"Dirty Dick no girl would want!"

"Dirty Dick never washed under the sun!"

"Dirty's Dick is rotted and gone!"

"Dirty Dick's fly is open and undone!"

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

Dirty Dick he undigged the dict

Placed it back where it is hid and snug

No dog should dig nor doggerel it

The dict that gave Dirty Dick his newfound drug

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

"A word a day is what I need

From A-Z and there back again

But first a new name is in order

No more jokes, no more pain!"

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

Dirty Dick then jumped into water

He scrubbed and he doubly rinsed

He took soap to his nether regions

And washed his dirty dick clean

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

"Look look, Dirty Dick's clean!" they say

"What a whistle! Look at him gleam!"

Dirty Dick smiled and coolly announced

"I am dirty no more, I am clean!"

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

"Dirty Dick is my name no more!"

"Call me Webster Web or Thesaurus Dict"

"A word a day is my proposed cure"

"Webster T Dict, is a dict I dig."

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

"He's Webster Dict, Webster Dict!"

"Never seen a more wetter dick"

"Wetter Dick, Wetter Dick..."

"Jumped into the river to wash his dick!"

For a dict's a dict whether back to front

A dick's a dick, no matter which son of a gun

Moral of the story: Dig a Dict but Wet no Dick. A Wet Dick Did Dirty Dick no Decent Deed. Nor Did Web the Dict even if Dick Digged Dict so Dick is Dirty no More! 

Yoga Is Fun

Yoga yoga very fun

Bend down over kiss my bun
Cricked my neck got stuck like that
The whole class laughed, sneered, clapped

Stuck like that, stuck like that

Stuck like Monkey
Wearing his butt for a hat!

Yoga yoga very fun
Lift my leg and touch the sun

Kneed my eye and got black eye
The whole class laughed, all teary eyed

Banged like that, banged like that
Banged like bat
Flying into a two-inch crack!

Yoga yoga very fun
Sit on floor no need t'run
One leg here one arm there
Someone's arm, someone's hair!

Twisted like that, twisted like that
Twisted like pretzel
Me, you and who's that?

Parent

A thousand miles our fathers walk;

A thousand clothes our mothers wash;
So to put meats on the rack;
Clean clothes on our backs.

Nary a reward they ask;
Nary a complaint they voice;

The smiles of their children their joy;
Their laughter a soothing oil.

Till bones bent and muscles weak;
They see them marry and babies born;
So their mantle they pass it on;
And hum life's splendid retiring song.

What The @#$%& Snake!

The Year of the Snake
Has not been kind to me
That's how it is
Born in the Year of the Water Bunny

I traveled to Brazil
On a 32-hr flight
Got there quite sick
Looking such a terrible sight

I was pale and weak
And fever high
There was pain in my ankle
Numbness in my thigh

An eye was red
And mighty swollen too
Had to see the company doc
For hours he "siamed" me too

Oh what malaise
Made my luck go rogue
Is it the Year of the Snake
That I am "sway", so terok?

I tell myself 'You must visit
Temple upon your return
Pray, pray for luck
Burn some joss sticks in the urn!'

I then climb the stairs
And somehow stumble and fall
Bruised the back of my knee
Here, there and then some more

"Sway ah! Sway ah!"
Is all I can say
Will someone please
Make it all go away!

I then fall asleep
And wake with a ear swollen
Did a goblin come
And love-bite me such I not awaken?

What crafty beast is this
That disturbs me in such wilful ways?
I've come to Brazil to work
Not suffer like some Samsui mah-cheh!

Well, everything seems okay
And calmer now
Still I keep an eye open
For a disaster lurking somehow

If I let my guard down
For just a sec
I might just end up
Once more a total wreck

Thankfully there is a friend
To share this with
I just hope the Year of the Snake
Hasn't reached out and sent him a hiss!

Surely the heavens know by now
All that I have gone through
By and by, here and now
A little black, a lot more blue

Time for the Snake
To beat a hasty retreat
Else this fed-up Bunny
Will turn fearsome and rabid

I'll get real mad
And blow a lot of steam
Bite the snake and
And make it scream

I'll chop it up
And drink its blood
To make myself strong
To satisfy my lust

There is so much
A lass can only take
In such a faraway place
With so much that's at stake

Striking workers and
Lousy candidates
Ooh, should I come back
Again another day instead?

No more, my head warns
A bit more, my heart says
There's the beach and sunset
And a hammock that sways

Ooh, I will surely
And truly miss all that
As well as a sun tan
And a good bikini wax

Shh, not everything of me
Shall be known
Let's keep somethings
Secret, my aura unblown

After all, I am still
A sweet twenty-something
To a guy whose eyes
Are stuck with hearts or something

Eyes that saw blue when
In fact it was chiffon lilac-pink
At least he got the dress right
The shoes size and what else, me thinks

He's a funny chap
Makes me laugh when I'm a little sad
It's nice when miles away
To have someone get on daily chat

I shall have to treat him
When I return months later
To a bowl of vinegar and trotters
A new mother's meal and supper

He's weird in that way
I'm weird in my way
So we'll have to see
How weird Brazil gets all the way!

- by TC Lai

On Each Passing Mile

Ah, Moogly - the moon in my sky;
Or moon in the puddle as I cycle by;
The lights shine but reflect your smile;
The road gets pleasant by each passing mile.

The sweat that beads down on my head;
Speak of the strain that lies ahead;
Of what you understand from my blogs;
Of what you see from my previous slogs.

Engineer, journalist or PR man?
None I suspect, but it's not plain;
For in my heart lies a truer love;
Something that slips on like a velvet glove.

It is a tad sad being unable;
To pursue a love so able;
One of design, one of buildings;
One of art, one of imaginings.

So one journeys through a varied life;
Making train stops by the countryside;
For when the view is sweet and lovely;
One forgets one's true, supposed journey.

But why quibble of a tasty draught;
That neither with money nor gold be bought;
As I cycle far and again ponder;
Of the myriad loves life has to offer.

I think of Moogly and a certain wax;
Of a football place and a certain hex;
Placed on those who happen to chance her smile;
Again I am not alone along each passing mile.

- by TC Lai 

Oh Why

Do you love me? I ask
You dare not answer

Do you love me? I ask again
You look away as if in pain

DO YOU LOVE ME! I then demand
My voice level but with edge

Do you love me?! I repeat
Again wondering if at all

Do you love me? I then plead
Hoping against hope

Do you NOT love me? I sob
Filling myself with self-pity

You do love me, right? I say
Wondering if there was something wrong with me

You did love me, right? I ask
Wondering if there was love at all

You know I love you, right? I say
Trying to rescue a lost cause

We can start again, I suggest
Realising how desperate that sounds

So this is it, I say
As I prepare for the worst

So this is it, I say
As you squirm in your seat

So this is it, I say
As you try to avoid my eyes

Is this it?
Is this it?
Is this it?
I ask
But an answer I don't really want

I'm sorry, is what you say
I'm sorry, is all you say
I'm sorry, is that all?

You walk away
No, you scoot away
No, you run away

Why is it with guys
They can't tell you how they feel?
Or is it with us girls
Who simply cannot let go?

Why did it happen today? I ask
When it is a time for lovers to celebrate

Why did it happen today? I ask
When a single rose could mean so much

Why did it happen today? I ask
When I had bought him a $300 tie

Why did it happen today? I ask
When he could have continued to lie

Why did it happen today, I ask
When someone else could have made that lie

Why did it happen today, I ask
Oh why did I let it happen today???

When everything could have been
Oh, so very nice?

Why, oh why, oh why oh, why?!
Had I gotta ask???

- by TC Lai