The Late Goodbite

(A parody song of The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd. Enjoy! (Note: There's a bit of Singlish!)

I saw a pie fall from the sky
A saucy meatball rolling by
As my tummy grumble a missed-out dinner
I go crazy in my mind's eye

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Maybe I drink tauhuay
At Redhill or Clementi
To hawker stalls that never close
By big smelly lonkangs that run down to the sea
Under tents at East Coast beach
In jungles and NS morn
I turn, bohbian, to instant noodles at home

But, oh wait, what's left in my fridge
I cannot tell
Shud have thrown away
They're still in my tray
You dare to eat, really meh?

Many FCs I have been
Many roaches I have seen
But I don't regret
No complain no free get
All the hawkers now scared of me

Night is now falling
Must it end this way
The tummy is fiercely calling
Must I drink tauhuay
At Changi Rd or Holland V
To kopitiams that never close
By big lonkangs that run down to the sea
Of these hawkers I was told
Never mind ratings you have to go
To eat like siao before heading home

And, oh, where the calories hide in me
I sure can tell
If not the chin, then the waist
But now comes the day
To diet like siao!

Eat first lah, then diet diet like siao!

Link to the original The Last Goodbye (that The Hobbit movie end-song)

The Sound of Music Songs

These songs were written on a whim from some SBM FB posting request. The titles were actually made up in jest but since they was requested as songs, I wrote them out just for fun (thanks, Lay Lian). Hope it resonates, and have fun singing along. ;-)

Eatchapchye

(Sung to Edelweiss)

Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Every lunchtime you''ll see me
Sweet and sour, heavy or light
Just one dish won't fill me
Kung pow chicken, you are nice to know
Nice to know forever
Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Stay good-and-cheap forever!

Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Many dishes to choose from
Steamed or fried, stewed or diced
Stacked so nicely with white rice
Tapow or eat there, whatever the choice
Don't forget the chilli
Eatchapchye, Eatchapchye
Save money to marry!

- by TC Lai *Chap chye is mixed rice, or "geng jai fun" - economic rice - in Cantonese, a popular kind of food stall in food centers or kopitiams in Singapore where many dishes are cooked up for selection, often eaten with white or brown. Cost? Between $2 - $3. Some serve up plain white porridge as well. The vegetarian stalls would also have fried beehoon as an option.


So Long, Kway Teow
(Sung to So Long, Farewell)

There's a sad sort of clanging from the wok in the stall
And the plates from the kitchen too
And there at the tables is a sad customer
That's getting up to say, "Mai retire, eh sai bo, eh sai bo?"
Fed-up Ah Pek he tells us but firmly he's decided so
To say goodbye to you

So long, farewell, I won't fry your stupid kway teow
I love to go and sit down for awhile
So long, farewell, you and your phototaking
Shoo shoo, siam siam, mai come and charp me
I'm glad to go, find a retirement home to die
I'm stiff, I cough, I always have to pee
My son, he say he doesn't want to take over

So long, farewell, I won't fry your stupid kway teow
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
GOODBYE!

- by TC Lai *some words are in the Hokkien dialect. Kway teow is thick/flat, white vermicelli noodles.

Go-Reng-Mi
(Sung to the tune of Do Re Mi)

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
What you need is Indo-mie
What you get is go-reng-mi
Go-reng-mi, go-reng-mi
The first three things just happen to be
Indo-mie, sauce chilli
Cook for three minutes till ready!
Let's see if I can make it easier

Zhou, is rice, a very wet rice
Muay, is you crying into zhou 
Mee, is tame unless with gems
Far, is a stall you never tried
So, is pastry with charsiew
La, is spicy till can cry
Teh, a drink with prata bread
That will bring us back to... 

Dough, is bread, to make your own
Deh, you eat you never pay
Mee, again, you'll put on weight
Fart, is you not giving me face
Sow, is trotter in vinegar
La, is lala that you joot
Teh, a drink you must tarik
That will bring us back to dough! (Dough, dough, dough...)


Dough leave me fart so loud till dog smell me, so don't!  

- TC Lai *Note: Zhou is porridge, muay is plain watery porridge

A Fave Wanton Mee

(Sung to Bee Gees' First of May)

When I was young the wanton mee was fine
We used to eat while mommy/daddy pay;
Now we are tall and go to another stall 
The wanton mee seller he passed away

And so for a while, we ate noodle instant-style
Our memory like our taste faded away
Of that olden style we could not fathom how
Until someone recooked  from yesterday

So I am glad and neighbours are not sad
That the wanton mee is not that bad
And I recall the day I wasn't tall
When the wanton mee was perfect, see

So don't be sore the charsiew look a bore
The taste is fine and the soup's divine
The price is right won't give you a fright
And you won't choke as the wanton is quite shiok

When I was young the wanton mee was fine
Do do do do do do do do do.....

A Child Was Told

Share a happy tear and make a wish, a child was told
Because this flower rarely opens

It chanced upon your being here
And sought to show you its fleeting beauty

So bless with it your soul, my dear dear child
That you and it may be in space-time entwined

That when the flower does indeed perish shortly
Your soul its beauty be thus be made divine

And reborn a part of you once more will be, the child was told
In another place in another time

When again someone smiles upon the same flower so
Your karma will be enriched a thousand times

The End - by TC Lai

Peas in a Pod

Peas in a pod, peas in a pod

We are both peas in a pod

Married too long

Singing the same same song

We are both peas in a pod

Folks say we look alike

Walking the same same stride

We are both peas in a pod

Hope to live, hope to die

Embracing in same same desire

We are both peas in a pod

Love Me Blender

Love me blender
Love me treats
Like that ripe mango
You have made my life complete
With all things phyto

Love me blender
Love me juice
All my dreams fulfilled
For that extra kick or two
I will add a dill

Love me blender
Love its song
That sings to my heart
For PULSE or BLEND or SMOOTHIE
It is quite the art

Love me blender
Love its truth
Fruits are Nature's gift
Just like Darwin he observed
Evolution's neat! 

Love me blender
Love it near
I will not lend out
Can't chance it getting spoilt
I will then freak out

Love me blender
Love its spout
Pouring out good stuff
I hope it will last the years
I haven't juiced enough!

Durian Party Girls

I once met a girl named Ang Hae
Her face was always red and angry
And then there was Ho Lor
She was pretty but rather 'chor lor'

Along then came Cheh Phoay Kia
She macham sam seng kia
Her real name was Chow Ah Lian
But we  all called her Chow Lew Lian

I spent a week with lovely Gan Ja mei
Can't really remember what we did
We just smoked and ate durians
And played siao Jenga with the botak seeds

But guess who would walk in on us?
A girl known as Chup Yit Lao
She's skinny like two bamboo poles
Cause she's having ganja and nothing else

And who can forget Ka Pi Li
She was rather well endowed
But one side big and one side small
Pai kuah like ION Orchard Mall!

Her sister Xiao Hung was much better
Not too big and not too small
Sometimes cannot be too greedy lah
Mouth not big why ask for more???

D2 was a girl we met at disco night
Shakes her head like on Ecstasy
Also makes that "deetoo deetoo" sound
Wah lau eh, like that sibeh scary!

Ms D24 no need say one
Was a girl who blocked our view
Serving beer when we watched football
No Messi, only got mountain view!

Each drinking night we'd meet Ang Bak Kia
Who, I think, never sleeps
Walks around with her eyes red red
I think she should star in The Walking Dead!

My fave companion is Kan Bao Hung
But she can seldom sit beside me
You see, she's a hot hostess at KTV
All the lao uncle chope, I sibeh envy

So I settle for Ms Cheh Phoay 15
Ms Kan's young pretty sibling
She's rather green and inexperienced
But she worships me as her 'tuition' king

:-)

===
Glossary: (Mostly Hokkien)
- Ang Hae: red prawn
- chor lor: not graceful
- Cheh Phoay Kia: green skin kid
- macham (Malay): behaving like
- sam seng kia: gangster kid
- lew Lian: durian
- Chup Yit Lao: eleven storeys  - ganja: Heroin (drug)
- pai kuah: ugly (lit: don't look nice)
- Ang Bak Kia: red flesh kid (durian); also 'red eye kid'
- Kan Bao Hung (Cantonese): sure kenna booked
- lao: old
- sibeh: very 
- chope: to book before
- Cheh Phoay 15: Green skin No. 15 (as in KTV Girl No.15)

Working in Singlish can really mess up the grammar! ;-)

An Apron Gift

My apron is new
I've yet to wear
It's given of love
And I'm afraid it will tear

So I cook without one
Mindful of spills and leaping oils
Wondering when's a perfect time
To put it on and have it spoil

Then junior came
After a fantastic meal 
Turns me on
Turns my missus on, better still

Still the apron hangs on
Like a new suit in the wardrobe
Or like a silent mother in law
Reminding of how a husband could

Make his darling wife feel loved
Make his growing son feel safe
Make his pretty home a refuge
Make his Private Kitchen a slave

For home's not a home
Until the kitchen is broken in
For home is only a home
When folks start to dine in

I love the banter
I love the food I cook
Better yet I love
The people who enjoy my food

So, apron or not
Whatever it may think
I will pare, chop and sous vide
Embrace my cooker to the kitchen sink

For when the apron is new
The recipes will never grow cold
So that's the gift my true love gave
Our love to remain new till we are very old

- by TC Lai (a poem inspired by a D Woo clamour, SBM member)

An Ode To Panty Hoses

(Onions last for eight months when placed in a panty hose?)

Panty hoses are plenty useful
Girls roll them down to catch a man
Guys would put them on their heads
And roll them down to rob a bank

Others might be more conservative
Stretching over a cup to strain tea
Or bag a few mothballs in the cupboard
To keep away the creepy crawlies

My neighbour he uses one
On the backrack of his bike
To tie things down to prevent
Them from falling out of sight

Kidnappers buy them in the dozens
When they are on a crime spree
Coz panty hoses make excellent knots
And also helps to hide their identities

Secretaries use them after hours 
To tie their bosses down
To make a point about sexual harassament
Or to encourage another bonu$ round

My own uncle he uses one
In the bathroom like a circus fool
"A panty hose swings-dry veggies
Better than any Tupperware spinner tool!"

My kopitiam aunty uses them
To bag coins from her till
"Heheh, I used to use plastic bags
But these won't punchek and spill!"

Navy frogmen are not immune
But they like theirs black
Coz in their undercover operations
They can twist-pack-sling things onto their backs!

You can put one over a vacuum hose
To stop sucking up little things
Or one over a potato

To grow those chia-head novel beings

Oh panty hose, oh panty hose
What more use can you offer?
You are like that laser gun invention
Offering up solutions one after another

It's even said a panty hose
Can keep things young and fresh
Onions kept in a bead-like hold
Can last eight months, still at their best

So what if I hose myself 
From head to foot
Would I live eight times longer
Older than a ginseng root?

My my, this is worth a gamble
The way I eat and drink
In 400 years time I'll still be
Baby cherubic and looking pink!

- by TC Lai

The Way They Were....

(Sung to the tune of The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand)

Mmm, mmm....

Mammaries, stretch the corners of my mouth
Freckled, swollen mammaries...just the way they were
Trouble breathing 'cause those juggers were so tough
Squished my nose like a squashed banana
Heng... I never choked!

Can it be so gigantic then?
Or has time disillusioned my mind?
If I have a chance to look at them again
Would I? Could I?

So scary, that very thought is so scary
Trying hard to reimagine
My lo ma zi breastfeeding me like a baby!
So I stick to my Anlene
Not that I'm weaned
Whenever I see a mammary
My mouth opens automatically!

Mammaries... 

====Shakespearean Version====
Mm...mm....

Mammaries, stretcheth the corners of mi mouth
Freckled, swollen mammaries, that's 
the way they were
Trouble breathing, cuz those 
juggers were indeed tough
Squisheth my nose like a flattened pea
Happy I never choked
Can it be it was so melonus then
Or has time maketh strange my mind
If for chance I can looketh at them again, 
would I? Could I?
So scary, that thot itself is so scary
Trying hard to envisage
mi mom-lady feeding me like a baby
So I sticketh to my Anlene
Not that I'm weaned
Whenever I see a mammary
my mouth wagers hopefully

- By TC Lai

Conscious Uncoupling

The wedding ring on the dresser
Reminds me of so many things
The courtship, the proposal
The witnesses, of putting vows to ink

The union of two lives
Trying to co-habitate as one
It started out great
But slowly got undone

Is anyone to blame?
For the rising 'disagreements'?
Were we too nice to argue
Shout, like our parents' generation?

But disagree we did
Over many a small thing
Little facets of a mirror
Reflecting slights to plain annoying

From harsh light we turned
Naturally to what's soothing
Refinding our own cubby corners
Stashed with pre-relationship things

From a minute to an hour a day
Nothing much to say
At dinner the food grew cold
The desire to tuck... get away

In bed the mood was never 'in' 
Our backs stared at each other more
when once our breathing was assuring
Now it sounds as loud as a snore

We drifted yet no one daring
To mention that dreaded D-word
For that would be so embarassing
Two adults failing to make it work

"We ought to have known better
Educated as we were to the hilt
But no one told us that a marriage
Needs polish to achieve that lovely gilt

But we are loathe to try again
Our generation just don't
We are either too smug or
Think a match is out there to bring home

Or maybe we are too social
Being friends is just fine
Male or female, sis or bro
We can be pals, a relationship not cut fine

For our worlds can still spin
Overlapping like Venn diagram sets
Just not intimate nor romantic
Continue with our own goals, a reset

So, let's just uncouple
And let go of each other's hand
We can be adult about this
No need to visit divorce dramaland

It was surprisingly easy
Only a fleeting feeling of regret
When we agreed, there was euphoria
Disagreeing, we want to take a step back

So what does that say of love?
That it is but a fleeting moment of glad?
That we are more practical of mind
No need to treasure the comfort of our bed?

Or that we want to enjoy
Every moment for till it lasts
Knowing that stuff just don't work out
Like an amusement ride grinding to rest

Hiaz, Conscious Uncoupling....
So what does that mean?
That we have come to our senses
Rising above that 'for sake of child' din?

So we are no longer a couple
Back to being friends
Till we meet a new significant other
We'll hang out like mates in a used couple den

Divorce is such a bitter word
Like a relationship "dying" by "force"
Conscious Uncoupling is like a handcuff
Deliberately released, no longer enforced

Free, to do what each other like
Free, to do what in the heart delights
No major sense of loss
No major sense of disregard

You go your way
I will go mine
But around a child we still dance
An extended family where everyone shines

Love does make fools the best of us
And love's eye is quite forever
It can never conscious uncouple
And so there's hope yet in the marriage theatre

- by TC Lai

Mother Of Mine

(A parody song for today's Mother's Day, sung to Mother Of Mine)
Mother of mine
You gave to me
This very strange look, when I was a new baby
The nurse she screamed, the doctor he gagged 
Mother, oh 'pretty' mother of mine

Mother of mine
You cooked for me
Lungs of a bat, balls of a monkey
I ate up everything, placed in front of me
Mother, oh 'crikey' mother of mine

Chorus:
Mother, you gave me much weirdness
Much more than words can say
I pray the Lord that he make straight of you
Every night and every day

Mother of mine
You sewed for me
My very own bra, and a sandpapery panty
I wore on my first date, he scuffed his hands
Mother, oh 'protective' mother of mine

Chorus:
Mother, you gave me much weirdness
Much more than words can say
I pray the Lord that he make straight of you
Every night and every day

Mother of mine
You gave to me
A small bank account, of Bitcoin currency
I never took a bus, I went to virtual school
Mother, oh 'thrifty' mother of mine

Mother of mine
Now I am grown
You have grey hairs, from armpit to groin
Time I bathe alone, crap by myself too
Mother, oh 'do-everything-together' mother of mine

Mother of mine
How the world has changed
MRT breaking down, gahmen giving Generation Package
I missed those times, we played five stones
Mother, oh 'kidney-got-stones' mother of mine 
Mother, oh, 'always-kidding lah' mother of mine 

- by TC Lai

Lady (Bak Chang)

(Sung to the tune of Kenny Roger's Lady)

Lady, I'm your fan in opeh briefs and I love you
You have made me quite insane and I am lost
My love, there's so many colored strings... which are you wearing?
Let me guess and peek-a-boo at you some more

You have gone and made me such a fool
I pick the wrong chang again...
But oh, we're so good together 
My tummy is pointy after this song

Lady, for so many years I never had a fresh one
You have come into my life and made me moan
Forever let me wake to see you each and every breakfast
Let me masticate till chang come out of my ear....

In my eyes I see no one else but you
There's no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I'll always wait you patiently
Standing in the queue for so long

Lady, your filling is the only filling that I need
And that chilli is the sauce I'll be dressing you
'Cause, my love, your curves are so damn arresting  
Bursting flavours in my life, you're my lo-mai Lady

- by TC Lai

Why Dig Nose

Picking your nose
Is plenty gross
But what would you 
Have me do?

Let the stuff
Build up
Like wet cardboard
Stuffed down a loo?

I rather enjoy
The pleasant toil
Of digging about
In this orifice

Not sure dry
Or like pie
Or crusty like
morning bak sai?

But a clear passage
Is a good message
That air is
Getting through

So my brain
Shall gain
Fresh insights and
Inspiration too

- by TC Lai

*bak sai - dialect for early-morning eye crusties. ;-)

A Seafood Fight

I once had a fight with an octopus
Which was rather ridiculous
He kept calling me names
that were all rather insane

"You blur like sotong!
Your mother was a whale!
Your father slept with a clam!
Your sister redlights in the kale!"

What the - F - are you on about?
Towards him I did shout
You are just a freaking fish
Destined for a restaurant dish

"I may have been taken
But I am not shaken
I'll poke anybody in the eye
I'll fight even if I have to die"

Well, sooner or later
You'll end up in some batter
So it's a foregone conclusion
That you've been tagged for consumption

The octopus he then stood
All eight legs like a fancy stool
A plump cushion he did seem
Actually I felt like hugging him!

Till his expletives began again
This time cursing my dinner gang
"You... you... buggers all!
Can't you just have fracking fish maw!!!"

A fren he felt indignant
Being rightly scolded by an octogen
"We have every right
To cook and BBQ you tonight!!!"

The octocuss he showed a sign
'Go frack yourselves if be so kind'
I think he just gave us The Finger
Although with him it was a Sucky Tentacle

Siao now, all hell did break loose
As tables turned, spilling lemon juice
The octoguy he couldn't run
Only waved his tentacles like playing drums

"Stand back, stand back"
Or I'll stab"
As he held up a knife and a fork
And also a calculator and a table clock

A funny sight it was
This octoswissknife making war
With whatever he could reach 
Shouting profanities that would shrivel a kid

Even black ink was issuing forth
Making dark the table cloth
Everyone stood and laughed
Calling the octopus on his bluff

Hahaha, scared until lao jio!
They all said, and cheohed
It only made the octopus fume
His color rising in a purple plume

Kaninabehkudasai!
Japanese issuing forth from the octoguy
It was also his final cry
As he collapsed like a heart attack guy

Octopuses, some scientists say
Cannot get too excited in this way
Their hearts are small and delicate
They'll burst like a dam's broken gate

And so we did have our sushi that night
Tako sushi to be quite precise
But it tasted mighty odd
A whole lot bitter... like of the profane sort

No one was quite surprised
After all that octopus wasn't nice
We just hoped the puffer fish
Would behave like a proper dish!

- by TC Lai

*lao jiao - dialect for urinate
*cheohed - dialect for laughed
*Kaninabehkudasai - a part dialect swear word

Paper Lantern

To Chinatown there I went
To find a wishing lantern seller
The stall was there on Trengganu Street
Manned by quite an interesting fella

"Lanterns my friend,
To send to the skies
Lanterns my friend,
So your love will never die."

I said choydakalaisee
Why your mouth so stink?
My darling will live forever
She'll last longer... than my kitchen sink!

I was flustered
Didn't know what to say
Sinks and scrubbers came to mind
From a guy selling quick fixes two stalls away

"Wah lau eh,
You compare her to a watery hole?
No wait, that's not quite right
Suggesting she has a leaky pipe!"

He seemed apologetic
So I let it go
For my gal did have incontinence
Always clawed away by some loo

Sheepishly I asked the price
Of those paper balloons in disguise
More like hot air lanterns
To be let loose into inky skies

"Last one... I give you free
Make sure you treat her nice
My own love tale is so-so only
Made dull by a lot of compromise!"

Hmm, a lot of truth in that
As I see uncle in brand new light
He may not have a silver tongue
But he sure does offer Oprah insights

So return I did to my gal
Happy as a breeze-swept tree!
Darling look, see what I got!
Wishing lanterns to bespeak our destiny!

My gal was nowhere to be seen
She's in the loo making a baking scene
"Paper, darling, paper, oh...
Stomach pain.... Food unclean!"

Oh my! Frantic did I search
But no paper roll could be seen
Painfully I had to tear the lantern up
So my girlfriend could walk out...clean 

And Still The Lanterns Rise

A lantern in the sky
Does make one cry
Of relationships past
That wishes didn't quite make last

One by one they soar
Each a face I could recall
A shy smile, a hopeful eye
All loves I believed would never die

And still the lanterns rise

The lake is placid
Disturbed only by crickets
The willows hang nearby 
I think of a girl, a tear to cry

And still the lanterns rise

The moon the same
The stars to blame
Why can't they have aligned
For a destined life of hers and mine

And still the lanterns rise

She asked a question
A kind of submission
But I was too honorable to shame
Another man's vested courting game

And still the lanterns rise

How is she now
That sparkle, that smile
That gentle touch on the arm
That slipped away coz I was dumb

And still the lanterns rise

I can only muse
Would she have refused
If I had been a lion that roared
If I had been coveting like some rich bore

And still the lanterns rise

I see the fire
Don't lose the desire!
Follow the lantern's rise
For tomorrow's always a reprise 

And still the lanterns rise

- by TC Lai

Wanton Mee

(Sung to Guantanamera)

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

I'm a just a man from Sembawang
Kenna hooked on the wanton mee there
(2 times)

It is so good I eat it white yeah!
No chilli or tomato sauce for me yeah!

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah

My words are spoken sincerely
I eat my wanton mee slowly
(2 times)

It speaks of life of yesteryear
Of a childhood that's so dear

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

I know you share my nostalgia
Of a noodle that's so familiar
(2 times)

Sold from Boon Lay to Tekka
Or Penang island to Malacca

Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
Wanton and mee yeah
I want my wanton and mee yeah
(2 times)

- by TC Lai